Yeah, Bitches!: The TV Series, with DVD commentary [fic]

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Yeah, Bitches!: The TV Series, with DVD commentary [fic]

Postby Alice Macher » Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:56 pm

A sneak preview of FOX's new teen sitcom, coming this fall! From an idea by Freemage:

Freemage wrote:Dude... I'm about to start a campaign for T to launch a spin-off, starring Rich, entitled, Yeah, Bitches! It'll consist entirely of various melodramatic situations typical in story-heavy comics (possibly even featuring unsubtle cameos), which are instantly resolved when Rich arrives on his bike and tosses off his trademark line, then rides off into the sunset again, often with a female member of the cast riding on the back [...] It would, in essence, be just the good parts of Happy Days, with a post-millennial upgrade for good measure


Season 1, Episode 1: The Pilot, Bitches!

Establishing shot of a suburban high school. Cut to the auditorium, where the thickly-bespectacled, nasal-voiced principal, MR. MILQUETOAST, is addressing the bored-looking junior class.

MR. MILQUETOAST: Good morning, students.

STUDENTS (sleepily): Morning, Mr. Milquetoast.

MR. MILQUETOAST: Well, um, let me start off by, um, welcoming you all back to Schluffyville High[1] for your junior year. I hope you all had, um, a productive summer. I certainly did, hanging with my, um, homies--is that the word, "homies?"--at the South Philadelphia Philately Convention. We, um, really par-tayed down, staying up until 10:00 P.M. exchanging stories of "the stamp that got away." Ha ha.

(Silence, punctuated by stray coughs and yawns.)

MR. MILQUETOAST: Yes, well. Um. Just a reminder that although I, as your principal, try my best to mentor you promising young minds by maintaining an open door and staying on top of the, um, "happening" trends and such, I do run a tight ship. Remember, you are here to buckle down and, um, learn, to prepare for your future. As such, there will be no tomfoolery or shenanigans in my school. Um. You are all to conduct yourselves with the utmost decorum like the young ladies and gentlemen you are. --Right. Um, now I believe we have a new student transferring here from South Central Technical School. Would Mr. Richard Diggkowski please, um, stand and identify himself? ...Diggkowski? Diggkowski? Beuler--I mean Diggkowski? Oh dear, I hope he isn't, um, indisposed on his first-- (faint "vroom" sound, gradually getting louder) What the--? I don't know how many times I asked Janitor Jiminy[2] to fix the air conditioning.

(Students murmur excitedly and gradually turn to face in the direction of the "vroom" crescendo.)

MR. MILQUETOAST: Wait a minute. That's not the air conditioning; that's a--!

(The DIGG rides in on a motorcycle, up and down the aisles, then up on stage for a wheelie.)

MR. MILQUETOAST: Now s-see here, young man, you, um, s-stop this tomf-foolery at--

DIGG (flashing a "V-"sign at the students with both hands, while cornering the befuddled principal): YEAH, BITCHES!

(Students stare in open-mouthed shock, then spontaneously break into a standing ovation and cheering.)


THEME: Walk the Walk by Face to Face[3]










And Introducing RICH DIGGLE as THE DIGG



1. From the Yiddish schluffen, "to sleep." Jewish writers, y'know.

2. A shout-out to Mr. Svenson, the Riverdale High chief caretaker, whose catchphrase is "By Yiminy!" Early treatments for the series gave Mr. Jiminy an exaggerated Swedish accent as well, but the network, concerned over potential trouble with the Scandinavian-American Civil Rights League, made him a generic native-born American.

3. This mainstream-friendly skatepunk song was a compromise between Rich's suggestions--all by Suicidal Tendencies and all considered too "unmusical, alienating and extreme" by the network suits--and the network's preference, Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi," over which Rich threatened to walk out.

4. Martin as Jeffy Birmingham, American teenage everyman, whom the Digg takes under his wing because, while kind of a dork, and needing lots of help with the ladies, he has cool potential.

J'Cru as Dayton Joseph, Jeffy's "black and nerdy" best friend.

Lucy as Doreen Glick, Jeffy's tomboyish childhood friend who harbors a secret crush on him.

Divalicious diva Tina Young, in her acting debut, as Cherie DiLibbi, cheer captain who's dating the quarterback, because duh, yet can't seem to take her eyes off that dorky redhead Doreen. (The part of Cherie was originally written for Sara, but she turned it down for various personal reasons.)

Will Erixon (P&A-universe version) as Mitchell "Big Ox" Stonecutter, the dim but hunky and good-hearted quarterback and protective friend of Dayton, who's the only reason he hasn't been kicked off the team and made to repeat sophomore year, or even first grade.

Eugene Levy as Melvin Birmingham, Jeffy's dad and the Digg's guardian; old-fashioned and somewhat bewildered by "today's youth culture," but possessed of a "down-home" inner wisdom.

Rita Rudner as Melissa "Mitzi" Birmingham, Jeffy's ditzy mom whom Dayton has a not-so-secret crush on, to Jeffy's embarassment and Melvin's "no comment" eyerolling. Mitzi thinks it's "adorable," though.
Last edited by Alice Macher on Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Postby Damocles » Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:15 pm

You had me at Rita Rudner.
I'm now convinced that if you play Pat Benatar's "Crimes of Passion" over Penny and Aggie it'll totally synch up.
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Postby Alice Macher » Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:38 pm

Scene: Amir's Coffee Shop, the favourite Schluffyville teen hangout, two weeks into the semester

DAYTON: That new guy, Rich Diggkowski, sure is cool, isn't he?

JEFFY: You said it, Dayton. Maybe he could help me get a girl to go out with me, for once in my life.

DOREEN: W-ell, Jeffy, maybe that's not as hard as you think. Maybe the right girl for you is (bends forward to show cleavage) right in front of your nose? Hmm?

JEFFY: Yeah, maybe you're right, Doreen. (She brightens up.) And I'll bet he's just the guy who can help me find her.

(Fantasy sequence: DOREEN leaps on the table, rips off JEFFY's shirt and pants, and smothers him in kisses as 70s porn music plays. Then cut to her in reality, still leaning forward, shaking her head sadly.)

OX (at a nearby table): So then I'm like, "Why does Juliet say 'Wherefore art thou Romeo,' when he's totally right below her and she can hear his voice?" And then everyone laughs and freakin' Donaldson calls me an idiot and gives me extra homework. It's totally not fair, Cherie. --Cherie? Babe?

CHERIE (staring at DOREEN's cleavage): Hm? Uh sure, Ox, I could go for another double-D. I mean double-double. Thanks, sweetie.

OX: You're...welcome?

JEFFY: It's too bad Milquetoast gave him two weeks' detention. I sure could use Rich Diggkowski's help right now.

DIGG (skateboarding in): Heyyyy! The Digg doesn't do detention. (Skates up to JEFFY and friends) So...Birmingham, right? Hear you need help gettin' places with the ladies.

JEFFY: Uh--yeah. That's right, Rich.

DIGG: Whoa! First lesson, Birminghamster: The Digg don't go by his first name. That's a slave name--oh, no offence there, Dayton.

DAYTON (confused): None taken. Digg.

DIGG: Hey, 's cool. He gets it. Okay then, Jeffinator. Why'ncha step into my office an' we'll get started.

JEFFY: Your "office?" You mean the men's room?

DIGG: What the hell you talkin' about, dude? Like I'd set up shop in the crapper. I meant, my garage where I fix bikes. This way. (They start for the front door.) Hold up--somethin' I gotta do first.

(He walks over to a cute girl and snaps his fingers at the retro-fifties jukebox she's standing beside, causing it to play "Unchained Melody." She swoons into his arms and they make out for a few seconds. He then flashes a double "V-"sign at the admiring crowd and he and JEFFY finally leave.)


Later, outside the DIGG's garage

JEFFY: Wow. You got me a date with both of the Vavoomba twins Saturday night. Thanks so much, Digg. How can I ever repay you?

DIGG: 'S cool, man. The Digg doesn't do debts.

JEFFY: Well, can I at least ask my folks if you can join us for dinner tonight?

DIGG (falsetto-voiced, putting his hands to his cheeks): Meeting your parents? Already? Why, Jeffy, this is all so sudden.

JEFFY: Ha ha. No seriously, c'mon. It'll liven up our dinner table if nothing else.

DIGG: You sure know how to flatter a dude. Almost. Okay, I'm in if your folks'll have me.


Dinnertime at the Birminghams

MELVIN: So...Richard, is it? Jeffrey speaks very highly of you.

DIGG: Yeah, Mr. B., he's a good kid, what can I say. Oh, and hey, Mrs. B., this...whaddya call it again, "sa-lad?"--is bitchin'.

(MELVIN stops eating and raises an eyebrow. JEFFY turns beet-red and covers his face with his hands.)

MITZI: Oh now, boys. Richard, in his own way, is complimenting me. And I think that's very sweet. (Tousles DIGG's hair.)

DIGG: Heyyy. You're a stand-up babe, Mrs. B.

MITZI (tittering): Oh, you.

MELVIN: Er, so Richard, if you don't mind my asking, how is it exactly that you've never heard of salad? Does your mother never make it at home?

DIGG (shrugging): Nah, she took off years ago with the mailman. Never heard from her since. Pass the salt, willya Jeffster?

MITZI: Oh my, I'm sorry. Does--does your father cook for you?

DIGG: Be kinda hard. He just went to jail for fifty counts' mail fraud. Man, this gravy is nice an' thick, the way I like it.

(MELVIN and MITZI exchange concerned looks.)

MELVIN: But then--how do you live? Who takes care of you?

JEFFY: Dad, mom, please, let's not--

DIGG: What is this, an interroquisition or somethin'? --Sorry. I'm sorry. Didn't mean that. (Sighs) Look, it's--the Digg takes care of himself, okay? Always has. I been squattin' in the attic above Amir's. I think he suspects but he hasn't said nothin'. As for "cookin'", I go dumpster divin' an' sometimes, when I feel like treatin' myself, order a pizza with a fake address an' wait for it to get dumped out back.

MELVIN: Oh dear Lord.

DIGG: Hey, no offence, Mr. B., but can we leave the Big Guy outta this?

JEFFY: But--I don't get it, Digg. You take a different girl out every night, practically. How do you--?

DIGG (waves hand): Oh, that. I earn a few bucks here an' there fixin' bikes an' teachin' skateboardin'. I save those bucks for the ladies. 'Cause I'm, y'know, a gennleman. And whaddya mean, "practically?"

MITZI: Mel, could I talk to you in the living room for a moment? (He nods and they leave the room.)

DIGG (quietly): Huh boy. It's "kick the hoodlum to the curb" time. I been there before. Hey, what the hell you grinnin' about, Birmingham?

JEFFY: Digg...Don't get me wrong; you know an awful lot. But you don't know my parents.


Ten minutes later. MELVIN and MITZI come back in and stand at their seats.

MITZI: Richard? Listen. You're a bit rough around the edges, but well, Melvin and I like you. And you've done so much for Jeffrey's self-confidence and social life in just a few weeks. You're a good friend to him, and that means a lot to us.

DIGG: Aw, hell...if I knew it was gonna get all mushy in here... But go on.

MELVIN: Richard... "Digg"... We hate to think of you living the way you're doing while you're still in school.

DIGG: Actually, I dropped out the other week. I can unnerstand Milquetoast not lettin' me bike into class, but he won't even let me skateboard in the freakin' schoolyard in my spare time. 'Sides, I'm apprenticin' with a mechanic, an' enterin' whatever skate competitions come up, so--

MELVIN: Yeah. Anyway, while you're preparing for your, er, future, well...Mitzi and I have had a spare room available ever since Jeffy's older brother Buck went up the stairs with his basketball years ago, and never came back down. So you're welcome to stay here as long as you need. Pay us whatever you think you can afford; it doesn't matter.

DIGG: No bullbeep?

MELVIN: No bullbeep. Welcome home, son. (Offers his hand)

DIGG (shaking MELVIN's hand) Heyyy. Thanks, Mr. B., Mrs. B. Jeff, man--your 'rents rock.

JEFFY (coming between MELVIN and MITZI and putting his arms around them): Yeah. Yeah, they do.

DIGG: 'K, so listen, before I crimp my style with manly tears an' all, I gotta take off for my date with Muffy LaBouche. Be back to bring over my stuff later; it ain't much. Thanks again. Later, dudes. (Exits. We hear the sound of his cycle revving up outside.)

JEFFY (opening the door and heading onto the porch): Hey! Hey, Digg. Aren't you forgetting something?

DIGG (turning around on his bike, with a girl seated behind him): Oh, yeah. (V-sign) YEAH, BITCHES! (Rides off into the sunset)

MELVIN (watching through the window): Yeah, bitches, Richard Diggkowski. Yeah, bitches, indeed.

And Closing Credits.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
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