24 Short Films about Belleville [fic]

[Michael Ezra]

(Note: This is a departure from my usual fics. It's not so much a story as it is a series of conversation snippets, a way of clearing the dialogue-bunnies out of my head. Also: May not actually contain 24 segments.)

*****

(Scene: Belleville High. BOB and ELMER on a bench in the empty hall.)

BOB: I believe it was Kant who identified the major flaws in the ontological argument. For one, he notes that the derivation of a necessary judgement about an entity doesn't prove the necessary existence of same.

ELMER: Mm, quite, quite. Furthermore, Kant argues that including the existence of an entity in its definition yields a tautology. One might as well state that a giant pink elephant exists because existence is "necessarily" part of its essence. He then argues that "existence" cannot be an a priori predicate of something, as to say that something exists means that it is present outside of its concept, outside of thought, and is empirically--

BOB: Hold on, someone's coming. (CYNDI and MEG appear around the corner.) Huh huh, so I told the c*mwad he could suck my d**k if he called that a fair price for like five joints' worth, know'm sayin'?

ELMER: Huh huh, totally. Hey Meg! Cyndi! Rockin' those fine asses, ladies.

CYNDI: Eucch, whatev, losers.

BOB: Yeah, you know you totally want us. Huh huh. Amirite, Meg?

MEG: Pssh. I have, like, standards? I'm not that runaway dumpster slut you 'tards could only get any from 'cause she was as stupid and wasted as you. Like that's a hard thing.

ELMER: Huh huh, you said "hard."

CYNDI: Go on then, little boys, and play with your hard things. If you can find them. (High-fives MEG as they walk away.)

BOB: Whoaaa! I think we got burned, man...Go on then, old bean; I believe you were in the midst of Kant's second refutation?

*****

(CYNDI and MEG walk past the auditorium. CYNDI stops and peeks inside, where MACHRIE, FRED, BRANDI, STAN, PENNY and AGGIE are doing a read-through.)

FRED: "Eunice, I want my girl to come down with me!"

BRANDI: "Hah!" (Mimes slamming a door.)

FRED (ripping off his shirt and bending over backwards, fists out from his sides): "STELL-LAHHHHH!"

MACHRIE: Cut! Okay, that was superfantab, Fred, great playing-to-the-nosebleeders projection. But this is just a read-through, so no need to tear your shirt off just yet.

BRANDI (looking FRED up and down): I wouldn't say that. Dayum, boy. (Notices STAN looking at her quizzically) Uhhh...reminds me of your sweet sweet six-pack, baby.

PENNY: Bleeaagh, I'm so not picturing that in close-up detail right now. --Mr. Machrie, can I make a suggestion?

MACHRIE: One second. Fred, you weren't planning on going home like that, were you?

FRED: Huh? Oh, no problem, Mr. M. Plenty more where these came from. (Unzips his backpack, which opens up into a full-sized piece of wardrobe luggage. He takes out a shirt and puts it on, then neatly zips the luggage back down to size.)

MACHRIE: Boy reminds me of, well, me. Anyhoo, Penny, your suggestion?

PENNY: Yeah. You know when I come out on the landing right after Fred's, I mean Stanley's, scream, and he sinks to his knees and we hug and stuff? Well, I was thinking, there's no dialogue in that whole bit, so maybe I could come out singing?

MACHRIE: Singing.

PENNY: Yeah, I was thinking maybe "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man o' Mine" from Showboat. You know, heighten the bathos of the moment.

AGGIE (helpfully): I think you mean "pathos," Pen.

MACHRIE (rubbing his temples): This doesn't have anything to do with my not casting you as Blanche, does it? Because I thought I made it clear that part is Aggie's.

PENNY: Yeah, she'll do a great job mumbling her way through it like Eeyore on sedatives.

AGGIE: Hey!

BRANDI: Penny--

PENNY: Not enough I don't get to go to Hollywood, but I have to play second, no, third fiddle after the gerbil here--

STAN: Think you wanna dial that 'tude down a bit, Hannah Montana.

PENNY: Oh, for--she's not even a real blonde!

STAN: Whatever. Geez, just as well you're not playing Blanche, otherwise you'd probably cut up Fred's face with the broken bottle, just like you broke Aggie's--

MACHRIE: Enough! Look, milady Penelope, this isn't Glee; this is real life. If you're going to act like a prima donna, there's no place for you in this production. And unlike Rachel Berry, you won't be able to come back next week.

PENNY (looking down): I'm sorry. I'll be good.

MACHRIE (nose turned up): See that you do. All right, let's pick it up with Blanche and Mitch. Aggie, Stan--

CYNDI (still peeking) Hee hee, "Rachel Berry." Hmm...Yes, I think I can use this...


--To be continued--

[MeganKoumori]

Yeah, she'll do a great job mumbling her way through it like Eeyore on sedatives.

Worked for Brando. And Fred as Stanley Kowalski. I think Fred would be better suited to be Victoria Grant in "Victor Victoria." Once a comedy about a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman, Calvin Machrie presents a man playing a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman! Has your head exploded yet? No? It will after Machrie's final production. Thanks to his "connections" Machrie has been able to acquire the talents of one of America's most well known personalities to star in his new sweeping romantic musical about a dirty little shrew plucked from the gutters of London and transformed into an elegant lady to even the Queen herself gives approval. Forget Audrey Hepburn! This Spring, Charles Manson IS Eliza Doolittle!

I think my sleeping pill is kicking in. Please carry on.

[Michael Ezra]

I love the idea of Fred as Victoria Grant. He'd be perfect. (Victor Victoria...man, that takes me back. I saw it on laserdisc--the video equivalent of eight-track--in a hotel with my folks, back in '82.)

The idea of Charles Manson in My Fair Lady, however, terrifies me and makes it even less likely I'll get to sleep tonight. Thanks. (Hell, it terrified me when I learned that, prior to the Tate-LaBianca murders, he'd recorded hippie music. Mainly because I'm mad for hippie music, while Manson's mad, period.)

[MeganKoumori]

While I'm scaring you, how's Jeffrey Dahmer as Maria Von Trapp go for ideal casting? They have similar hair. Or, it might not be a musical, but how about Freddy Krueger as Melanie Hamilton Wilkes?

[Michael Ezra]

...I think I'm either going to have to restrain you or propose to you. Or maybe both, depending on your predilections. [j/k]

[Michael Ezra]

MEG: Cyndi? Cyndi, where'd you...?

(CYNDI, still eavesdropping, turns to look at her, mimes and mouths "Call me," and turns back to the read-through. MEG shrugs and walks on.)

MEG'S PHONE: ♫ Countin' one, two, three / Peter, Paul and Ma'ry / Gettin' down with three p / Everybody lov-- ♫

MEG: Hello? Oh hey, Tiffany. Yeah, just heading home. How's things with that Australian hottie? Still fixating on Luann DeGrossout, huh? Well, give it--Me? Oh y'know, just the usual boys, nothing serious. Who? Oh, Tina Young, yeah, I saw it on YouTube. Honestly, the lip-synch track skips one beat and she trashes like 50K of electronics in front of thousands of--Hm? Yeah, she does remind me of (ugh) Penny a bit. What? Her and Sara? God, try to keep up, girl; everyone knows now that was just a rumour. No idea who started it, no. Though if you ask me, she and, whatsername, the weirdo with the blue hair, Ani or something, have been awfully close lately. Wha--no, you didn't hear it from me, okay? God. Like I told Letramp and Felte, I'm too mature for that--ohmigod ohmigod it's him, squeeeee!, callyoubackokay? (Hangs up and quickly checks her lipstick in her compact) Oh hey, um...Omar, is it?

OMAR (one foot up against a locker, half-smiling): What up, Blondie?

MEG (feigning annoyance): I have a name, okay? God.

OMAR: Word is, you have more than that to offer, for the right guy at least, amirite?

MEG: We-ell, I don't know. What you got to offer?

OMAR: You might say I got [innuendo].

MEG: [Innuendo?]

OMAR: [Innuendo.] So, Friday night good for you?

MEG: Well, it would really piss off Samantha, hehehe. Um, and, and, I have been looking for a grown-up man for a change.

OMAR: That's me boo, a grown-up ma--

BRANDI (behind him): Thank God that rehearsal's over. Oh hey, Omar.

OMAR: YAAAA! Get away from me! Don't hurt meeee ahuh huh huh... (Starts to run off, then stops and turns to look at MEG) Uh so, pick you up Friday at 7:00?

MEG: Pshhh. Forget it, loser. "Grown-up," my ass. Thanks, Brandi. One of you Pennies finally did something useful for once.

BRANDI: Don't...mention it?

--To be continued--

[Michael Ezra]

BRANDI (starting to walk out to the student parking lot exit): Anyway, I don't see why he's been all "Wah don't hurt me" ever since our hook-up. It's not as though the handcuff spikes were that sharp, and I only had the eggbeater on medium speed...Oh, Meg's gone. Just as well, I almost forgot we're not supposed to like each other. Meow meow. And I'm talking to myself for some reas--oh crap.

DIRK: Brandiii! Mah man! What up, yo?

BRANDI (rolling eyes): Hi Dirk.

DIRK: So how be da Queen a' da East Si-yeed, yo yo yo? Me, I'se keepin' mah jive freshizzle on da down-low, too slow--uh?

(BRANDI puts her arms on his shoulders and locks eyes with him)

BRANDI: Dirk. Listen to me. I know you love that mash-up of Shaft, Hammer, Martin Lawrence and Jay-Z goin' on in that head of yours, but in case you've forgotten, you. Are. White. And not Rich-, Jack- or even Stan-white, seeing as your dad made the Fortune 500 again last year. Get it?

DIRK: Uhhhhm...so I should lose the chest-clock here?

BRANDI: For starters, yeah. Gotta run, sorry. (Speed-walks out the door) Rrr. Thank God it's Friday. And again I'm talking to--

BRANDI'S PHONE: ♫ Ay amor es una tortura perderte / Yo sé que-- ♫

BRANDI: Hello? Oh, hey, Penny. You home yet?


(Cut to PENNY in her car, and yes, she's using a hands-free model)


PENNY: Hey Brandi. No, but I'm heading there. Aggie's making a stop at her house first; then we're both going to my place. Anyway, just wanted to make sure you're coming over tomorrow night? --Great. So I'll--yes, I'll stop calling him a gerbil if he promises to stop calling me "celebrity blonde" names. --Okay, okay, I'll stop anyway. Sheesh. Bye.


*****

(PENNY'S room. PENNY is sitting on the bed with CHARLES in her lap. AGGIE brings in FINISTER in his cage and sits down beside her.)

AGGIE: Well, here goes. You're sure Charles won't try to eat him?

PENNY: Please. He is such a diva. Or divo, whatever you call the neutered male version. He only eats Premium Extra-Moist Tuna Blend by Stuff White Cats Like®.

AGGIE: "Stuff White Ca--?"...All right. Let's just let the boys sniff each other from opposite sides of the cage for a bit.

(The two pets do so, uneventfully. PENNY looks at AGGIE, who nods and pops the cage open. FINISTER crawls out and sniffs CHARLES, then licks him. CHARLES purrs and licks him back.)

PENNY: D'awww so kyewwwt...

AGGIE: Hee. Yeah. (Beat) Hey, y'know what this reminds me of? Ever read the fantasy trilogy His Dark Materials? It's sort of like the Narnia series, only not Christian, in fact Philip Pullman said he wrote it in response to--

PENNY: Get to the point, Duane.

AGGIE: Heh. 'K, I deserved that. Anyway, it takes place in parallel worlds, and in one of those worlds people's souls are outside their bodies, in the form of animals called daemons. Now you're not supposed to touch someone else's daemon without asking, but sometimes when two people fall in love with each other, their daemons spontaneously start nuzzling and licking each other. That's what these guys here reminded me of.

PENNY: Huh. That's pretty funny.

AGGIE: Yeah. Funny.

(Beat)

PENNY: Um. (Blushes and looks away)

AGGIE: Er. (Does the same)

PENNY: So-o-o...was it hot when Fred ripped off his shirt before, or what?

AGGIE: Oh. Oh yeah, total yummers.

PENNY: That boy's chest is so firm and taut you could bounce a quarter off it.

AGGIE: Totally. And his midriff: you could've used it as a washboard, back in the old days.

PENNY: That's already an expression. "Washboard abs." Just sayin'.

AGGIE: Oh, right.

PENNY: It's fun to drool over gay guys, isn't it?

AGGIE: Oh, yeah. 'Cause you know it's safe.

PENNY: Right. Nothing can possibly come of it, so it's okay.

BOTH: Boys are awesome.

[Michael Ezra]

PENNY: I love how boys smell.

AGGIE: I love how boys walk.

PENNY: Boys boys boys?

AGGIE: Boys boys!

BOTH: Boysboysboysboysb--

PENNY: Hold on, the strangest thing just happened. It's like this voice inside my head just yelled "Will you cut out the denial-fest already?" Oh man, I can't go psychotic now; I'm hosting a party tomorrow.

AGGIE: No no, I heard it too. Weird. Where do you suppose it's coming from? Ow! Finister, stop nipping at me.

PENNY: Ow! Charles, what are you--?

FINISTER: (Well then.)

CHARLES: (Now that we have your undivided attention.)

PENNY AND AGGIE: AAAAA!

PENNY: You--you both can talk?

CHARLES: (We're not actually talking. We lack the necessary vocal apparatus.)

FINISTER: (We're simply transmitting our thoughts via telepathy.)

AGGIE: Like--like the ferret in the webcomic Candi?

CHARLES: (Sure, sure, whatever. Now listen up. We're not really supposed to do this with you humans, but I think I speak for my esteemed colleague here when I say we're sick and tired of you two refusing to admit what everyone within a five mile radius of this town can see.)

PENNY AND AGGIE (looking at each other, then back at the pets): You mean--?

FINISTER: (Yes. And we're especially sick of all the times when one of you starts to tell the other about feelings you've been keeping pent up, and the other gets all hot and bothered, only for it turning out that the first of you was "really" talking about Stan or Britney Spears or whomever and then the other of you goes insane. It's getting old. Like something out of some nerd's bad fanfic.)

AGGIE: Uh...yeah. So, so what do you want us to do?

CHARLES: (You can start by being straight with each other. Wait, bad choice of words. Just tell each other how you really feel.)

PENNY: O-okay. (Swallows hard) Aggie...I love you.

AGGIE: I...I love you too, Penny.

(Beat)

PENNY: Welp, that was fun. Thanks, creepy telepathic pets. So, who's for heading downstairs for a rousing DDR competition?

AGGIE: Right behind y--

FINISTER: (Oh no. We're not done here. You're not leaving this room until you kiss.)

PENNY: Kiss? As in, each other?

CHARLES: (That's the idea, yes. You won't be much of a couple without it. Now come on, pucker up.)

AGGIE: Can't we send out for some wine coolers first?

FINISTER AND CHARLES: (No.)

PENNY: O-okay then, here goes. (Kisses AGGIE on the cheek.)

CHARLES: (Oh, for--. On the lips, dum-dum.)

PENNY: The--the lips? You mean, both of them at the same time? This...it's just so much at once, y'know? I've never kissed a girl before.

AGGIE: And I've never kissed anyone for real before. Even if I'd kissed Darren on the lips, I'm not sure that would've counted.

PENNY: Can't we just--

FINISTER AND CHARLES: (Bok bok bok bok!)

PENNY (offended): Oh, so we're chicken, are we? Would a chicken do this? (Grabs AGGIE and smooches away.) There. How was that?

FINISTER: (Meh, not bad. I give it a 7.2. But more important is what Aggie thinks.)

PENNY: How--how was that, Ag?

AGGIE (eyes unfocused, grinning vapidly): Jubbahawhuh?

CHARLES: (There we go. Well done. Your turn, Aggie.)

AGGIE: Gleep?

PENNY (jostling her): Aggie! You're on.

AGGIE: Oh! Um, haven't those wine coolers arrived ye--oh, right. (Dips PENNY and smooches.) Mm. How was that?

PENNY: Gwibble buh-huh... (Shakes head, then locks eyes with AGGIE as their arms find each other's waists. They nod to each other and smile.) Uh...guys? A little privacy, please?

CHARLES AND FINISTER: (No problem.)

(We follow them out the door and down the hall.)

CHARLES: (Well, Fin, our work here is done.)

FINISTER: (That it is, Chas. By the way, if you don't mind my saying so, you're a right good kisser yourself.)

CHARLES: (Well, I can't say I mind that at all. Thank you. And if I may, you're a bit of all right, yourself.)

(Beat)

FINISTER (peering ahead): (I think there's a crawl-space over there just big enough to fit both of us.)

CHARLES (nodding): (After you, then?)

FINISTER: (Why, thank you.)

******

Cut to PENNY and AGGIE, an hour later, in bed and glowing.

PENNY: So. Does this mean we're lesbians?

AGGIE: No idea. Not important, really. Unless you're talking about the kind of lesbians Sara wanted to breed.

PENNY: You mean--?

AGGIE: Uh huh.

BOTH: Neiiiiiggggh! (They collapse in laughter.)

[Mr. Brightside]

Hey there, Sugarbaby, saw you twice at the pub show...

[Michael Ezra]

...I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment...

[Michael Ezra]

(Meanwhile, in Hollywood, the No Exit players make use of the "confessional cam" booth)

SARA: Woo! I am so happy (changes her earrings) with how the play's going. (Takes off earrings altogether.) This is a super-fun cast to work with (puts on lipstick) and Hilary is tough but fair. (Wipes lips clean.) I've made so many friends here on the set (sprays hair blonde) and--

CREW VOICE-OVER: Whoa whoa whoa. I see what you're trying to do here, Sara, but this is getting ridiculous. Hand over your cosmetics and jewelry, please. You'll get them back at the end of your contract. (SARA shrugs and passes the items off-camera.) And the wigs. (She does so.) And the eyepatch. (She does so.) And the nose-and-chin putty.

SARA: Aww.


*****


LUCY: Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. It's been three months since my last confession.

CREW VOICE-OVER: Uh, Lucy?

LUCY: I have broken the tenth commandment, the one about coveting thy neighbour's ass. Namely, Sara's. I never thought this could happen; I mean, I'm totally straight, but I can't stop thinking about that supple, firm tush--

CREW VOICE-OVER: Lucy.

LUCY: Father, I know it's against the Church's teachings to be a thespian. I don't want to be a thespian, but Sara's just so damn hot that I want to take her backstage and--

CREW VOICE-OVER: LUCY!

LUCY: Y-yes, Father?

CREW VOICE-OVER: Okay, first of all, I think you mean "lesbian." A "thespian" is an actor; you should probably already know that. Second, don't call me "Father." My name's Doug. I'm a camera operator, not a priest. Third, and most important, this is not a Catholic confessional. It's a confessional cam. As in camera. This is where you tell the TV viewers your thoughts and feelings on how the show rehearsals and such are going. Do you understand?

LUCY: Y...eah, I think so. So, Doug, um, how many Hail Marys do I gotta say?

(Pan over to DOUG, banging his head against the wall and cracking the plaster in the process.)

[Michael Ezra]

(SARA tiptoes through the theater during a break from rehearsal.)

SARA: (Heh, heh. They thought they confiscated all my makeup and accessories, the fools. But they didn't know about my secret stash in the walk-in utility closet behind the break room.)

(She opens the closet door ever so slowly and quietly, only to find partway that there are others hiding out in there.)

LUCY (like the others, not noticing SARA): It's okay, Hilary.

HILARY (sniffling): You're very kind, Lucy, but it's not okay. I can't help but feel guilty spending only two evenings a week reading to bedridden orphans and only one a week working to save the spotted owl. I wish I weren't so damned selfish. (Sobs quietly into her handkerchief.)

LUCY: Oh Hil, I do wish you'd consider the ramifications of your last statement. There's a valuable paper on misplaced guilt and its treatment in the latest issue of Analytische Psychologie. I can translate it for you if you--

MEIGHAN (popping out from behind a shelf): Hold on, girls; we have a Code Blue. Shield your eyes. (They do so as MEIGHAN produces one of those memory-wiping devices from Men in Black and points it at the too-shocked-to-react SARA.) Sorry, sugar-tush, this is in everyone's best interest. (Wipes SARA's memory of the last minute, then ducks back behind the shelf.)

SARA: Huh? Wha? What just happened?

HILARY: I'll tell you what's going to happen. You're gonna get your smalltown-hick ass back on stage is what's gonna happen. (To LUCY) You too, curling-gel-for-brains. Break time's over.

LUCY: But I'm not from that small a--

HILARY: I. Can't. Deal. With. This. AMATEURISM!

LUCY: A-all right, I'm going, I'm going.

(They file out, after which MEIGHAN emerges, exhales through her mouth and wipes her forehead.)

MEIGHAN: That was close. Too close.


*****

(Meanwhile, across the continent, in an even less likely scenario than the above, let's check in on the latest rehearsal for A Streetcar Named Desire. Remember: AGGIE as BLANCHE, PENNY as STELLA. Only, something's...different, more intense, about their performance since before the weekend. Can't imagine why.)

AGGIE: "Well, I never had your...beautiful self-control. I am going to take (air-nips up PENNY's neck) just one lit-tle ti-ny nip more, sort of to put the stopper on, so to speak. Then put the bottle away so I won't be...tempted. I want you to look at my figure!"

PENNY (licking her lips): "It's just...incredible. Blanche, how well you're looking."

(Outside the auditorium, CYNDI is snooping through the partially-open door as before, and beginning to gnaw her knuckles.)

PENNY: "I can hardly stand it when he is away for a night."

AGGIE (moving closer): "Why, Stella!"

PENNY: "When he's away for a week I nearly go wild!" (Purrs like a tiger at AGGIE)

AGGIE: "Gracious! I guess that is what is meant by being in (stroking PENNY's neck) lo-o-o-ve..."

MACHRIE: Cut! Cut! Okay. Um, girls, you're definitely working more in, um, sync, and that's good, and you're putting real...passion into your performance. There's just one thing, though. You're supposed to be sisters, and yet you're giving this scene a...subtext that I don't think Williams quite intended. Did I say "subtext?" It's practically supertext. Also, once curtain goes up on opening night, we do have the parents' sensibilities, not to mention your principal's, to think of. Possibly the vice squad's as well. So...once more, with less feeling? Please? Oh, and you can let go of and step away from each other a bit, if you don't mind.

MEG (meeting CYNDI at the door): Oho! Up to your usual snooping, eh, Cyn? Cyndi?

CYNDI: I am so totally turned on right now I've almost forgotten about what's-her-name in Hollywood.

MEG: What was that?

CYNDI: Nothing.

MEG: O...kay. So, we hitting the mall?

CYNDI: Sure, sure. I just have to use the ladies' room to, um, touch up my makeup. (Well, touch something up, in any case...)

[Michael Ezra]

(One week later. MEG and CYNDI in a coffee shop.)

MEG: So I'm like, "Yuh?", and she's like "Duh!", and I'm all "Nuh-uh,", and she's all "Nuh-huh!" and then I acknowledged her superior rhetorical skills, and then--Cyndi? Cyn? Are you listening?

CYNDI: ...

MEG: Oh I'm sorry, am I boring you all of a sudden? ...Cyndi? (Thinks) KATE GOSSELIN'S GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH JOHN BUT THEY'RE GIVING UP THE KIDS!

CYNDI: Ohmigod no way really?

MEG: No. I just wanted to get your attention. What's with you, girl? Never seen you so zoned out.

CYNDI: Aw, it's just...I know she's been away for weeks now, but I can't get her out of my mind.

MEG: Who?

CYNDI: Sara.

MEG: Still? I've never known you to lust after anyone this hard.

CYNDI: It's not lust. I...is there a word for when you really care about someone and you're not just faking it to mess with her or get something out of her and stuff?

MEG: "Love?"

CYNDI: That's it. Meg, I luh, I luh...love Sara Velte.

MEG: You um, you know she's still with, whatsername, Drusilla.

CYNDI: Daphne. Yes, I'm painfully aware of that. And in the last few weeks I've tried everything I can think of to sabotage their relationship. First I tried to get the Buffy-wannabe to be unfaithful.


*****

(Cut to CYNDI, in disguise as a milkmaid with blond pigtails and low-cut blouse, approaching DAPHNE in the school hall.)

CYNDI: Ja, hellö? I am, how yü say, føreign exchänge stüdent from Sweeeden? Und I could ÿûse a nice... (bends over and touches DAPHNE'S shoulder) freundly girl tö shø me araund, ja?

DAPHNE: Yeah, nice try, Cyndi. And FYI, it's Swiss women who are usually stereotyped as milkmaids. Figures you can't even get basic bigotry right.

*****

CYNDI: Then I tried to make her think Sara was cheating.

*****

(Cut to CYNDI in the lunchroom, getting hit upside the head with a paper airplane with writing on it. She unfolds it and reads.)


DAPHNE VOICE-OVER: "Dear 'Anonymous Friend': Thank you for the 'press clipping,' which you slipped in my locker, of Sara french-kissing and feeling up Lindsay Lohan at the Roxy. A few points:

1. Lindsay's hair hasn't been that color in five years.
2. Sara is not left-handed.
3. Learn how to use the f***ing clone-stamp tool.

Regards,

Daphne (Sara's gf, i.e. NOT YOU)

P.S. Hey, Cyndi, been meaning to ask you since that first popsicle party--those are implants, right?"


CYNDI: [Language deleted for fear of crashing the entire Internet]

***

CYNDI: So that's it, Meg. I've used up my arsenal of brilliant and--so I thought--foolproof stratagems. Violence is out of the question, because I don't wanna go to jail or worse, and besides getting rough isn't my style unless there's a safety word involved. Therefore, there's only one thing left to do.

MEG: Accept that she'll never be yours and move on? (Takes a sip of coffee)

CYNDI: What are you, nuts? No. It's time for Cyndi Kristoffer to cross the final frontier. Sara is a good person, so if I want her to love me someday, even if not right now, I must...become good myself!

MEG: (Epic spit-take)


--To be continued--

[Michael Ezra]

(A few days later. KATY-ANN kneels in the dark, head bowed, hands clasped.)

KATY-ANN: I...I just don't know what to do. So I've come to you for guidance because, even though people sometimes knock you for being silent, your wisdom and love are what keep me going.

STRONG YET GENTLE VOICE: No need for flattery, Katy-Ann. But thank you. What's troubling you?

KATY-ANN: Well, a few days ago at school, during lunch, I got a request for help from the last person I ever expected.

*****

CYNDI: K-Katy-Ann? This seat taken?

KATY-ANN (coldly): Hello...Cyndi.

CYNDI: Um, look, I know you don't like me. I don't blame you. But I really need your help, and it's not for something bad, I promise. Mind...mind if I sit down?

(KATY-ANN shrugs, not looking at her.)

CYNDI: I'll take that as a yes. (Sits across from her.) Listen, I don't have to tell you I've done some bad things over the last year. So I know this'll be hard to believe, but I want to stop all that. I want to change. To be a better person.

KATY-ANN: Uh-huh. Heard you tried that line on Duane once. The same day you tried to seduce half of the Macbeth cast and crew, including my boyfriend. But it was all a joke to you, so that's all right, I suppose.

CYNDI: Oh, heh, you heard about that--okay. Okay. Yeah, I was playing around that day. But I'm serious now. I need you to teach me how to be good. For real. I'm not trying to get into your pants or anything.

KATY-ANN (blushing): Thank Heaven for that. Ew. So, whose pants are you trying to get into?

CYNDI (sighs): You know me too well.

KATY-ANN: Wish I didn't. So?

CYNDI: I'd...rather not say. But believe me when I say this isn't (just) about the sex. I'm in love, Katy-Ann. For the first time ever. I want to be with, to hold, to share with, to give to this person. But that won't ever happen unless I show I can be good, like she is.

KATY-ANN: So you want to be good, for an ulterior motive?

CYNDI: Isn't that better than nothing?

KATY-ANN: I don't...look, why should I believe you? How do I know you aren't just gonna toy with her, or with me?

CYNDI: All right. (Lifts her backpack on to the table and zips it open.) Recently, in Medieval History, in a lecture on China, we learned about this guy who, according to legend, came to the first Zen patriarch, asking to be his student. The patriarch doubted he was sincere. So the guy pulled out a knife, hacked off his own arm, and handed it to the patriarch, who accepted him on the spot. As for me... (pulls out a knife)

KATY-ANN (grabbing CYNDI's arm): SWEET JESUS, NO!

CYNDI: What? I'm offering to part with something too, to prove my sincerity. (Pulls out a tinfoil package, unwraps it to reveal a pie, and cuts slices in it.) It's my nana's secret recipe, which I've never shared with anyone before. Try it: it's strawberry-rhubarb.

KATY-ANN (clutching her chest): Huh-uh huh-uh huh-uh...

*****

STRONG YET GENTLE VOICE IN THE DARKNESS: So then what happened?

KATY-ANN: I told her I'd think about it and get back to her. So...what should I do? On the one hand, all this time she's totally been someone who can't be trusted. She fooled Daphne into thinking she was gay, so she could flirt with Marshall instead. She fooled Penny into thinking she was her friend. She made Michelle sick. She flirted with...well, I don't have to tell you the whole story. But on the other hand, she says she wants to change her ways. Could I really call myself a good Christian if I turned her down, if I squandered the opportunity to make a new person out of her? Could I face you if I did that, you who are so wise, so understanding, so benevolent, my rock and my--

VOICE: Enough. Listen, Katy-Ann, you know as well as I do that this is a decision you have to make yourself. Look within your heart and I know you'll find the right answer. Just know that, whatever you choose, wherever you go, I'm at your side, always. I love you.

KATY-ANN (tearing up): Oh Lord. I love you too. Now can we please turn on a light in here? It's nighttime already.

VOICE: Sure. (Light comes on, revealing JACK standing in front of her.)

JACK: And by the way, no need to kneel before me, unless...heh heh...you were thinking of--

KATY-ANN (blushing deep red): Oh, you! (Smacks him in the shin.)

[sun tzu]

*slow clap*