Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Kamino Neko]

...Om-Nom-Nom-Nom-or.

And that's the story of how a mouse got the highest culinary honour the US can bestow on a sapient entity. (The highest culinary honour it can bestow on a non-sapient entity is 'yummy'.) Makes Ratatouille look boring, by comparison, doesn't it?

So, with that, we return to the present, where we see Aggie in the biology class that she had to take despite being pre-law (they called it Legal Eagles, since all the pre-law students took it), where she...

[Tamar]

...accidentally created life from scratch.

How did she manage to do this, when biochemists, after several decades of experimentation, have gotten no further than the Miller-Urey experiment of 1952 which produced amino acids?

Well, Aggie was carefully carrying a solution of water, methane, ammonia, and hydrogen cyanide to show the T.A., Rhizzie Ome, when another student tripped and reflexively grabbed her arm for support. They were both wearing woolen vests, the contact producing a static electrical spark ("And that was the only spark produced," she later told Penny, who just rolled her eyes and kissed her) which passed into the solution just as Aggie's forward momentum spilled it into Rhizzie's kid's model volcano. In yanking it away, Rhizzie hit the switch by mistake and it erupted. The spilled reddish gooey blob then split, before the class's eyes, into two. Then those two split into two, and so on. Then they each developed nuclei and flagella and began swimming along the floor.

Aggie and the clumsy classmate helped Rhizzie scoop up the oddly large unicellular organisms, and the T.A. did a molecular analysis on one of them. Then she went and got her advisor, Prof. Mony Era, who examined the results of this bizarre sequence of events.

"This is a... most atypical result for a non-science track freshman class," said the professor at last.

"Is that... a good thing?" said Aggie.

"I'm not at all sure. This from-scratch organism could be benign to humans. It could be useful to us. It could also be harmful, even deadly. And because it's so large and reproduces so quickly, we'd best contain it immediately."

"A-all right," said Aggie's classmate. "Anyway, my apologies again, Prof. Era, Rhizzie."

"Likewise," said Aggie, "but class is over, so we'd better get g--"

"Oh no," said the professor, snapping and pointing her fingers. "No one leaves until we get the local CDC folks in here to verify these buggers won't cause an epidemic of some horrible new disease. As of now, we're under quarantine."

An hour later, experts from the local Center for Disease Control office arrived and poked around at the organisms, now carefully sealed within a hood. They found that the reddish blobby creatures were in fact...

[Kamino Neko]

...gods.

Yep. Little baby gods. We'll get to the theological issues caused by this in a bit, since we know you'll want to know how they determined this. It's quite simple, really. When the godlings were examined, they...

[Alice Macher]

...appeared to have somehow garnered worshippers: ants, fruit flies, dust mites and such. Not that the lab was anywhere near swarming with such insects, but the CDC people could detect a pattern wherein these organisms were lining up to present them with gifts of food, genuflecting as they did so.

"So if these new giant cells are gods," said Aggie, rifling her hair absently, "does that make Darlene and me"--she nodded to her accidental co-inventor-- "gods as well?"

One of the CDC investigators shrugged. "I'm afraid, Ms. D'Amour, that's a theological question beyond our area of expertise. The important thing is, these godlings don't appear to be any sort of health hazard to humans, livestock or produce, so you, Ms. Danback"--by which she meant Darlene (get it now? hurr)--"Ms. Ome and Dr. Era are all free to go. As for your quandary, Ms. D'Amour, maybe you should talk to one or more of the campus chaplains? Just a suggestion."

So Aggie made an appointment to see Rev. Henrietta Highchurch, the Episcopalian chaplain, to start. Rev. Highchurch listened to Aggie's story, examined the footage she'd surreptitiously taken on her smartphone, and said, "Well, Aggie, I'd say this makes you and your classmate somewhere between...

[Kamino Neko]

...deities and parents.'

'...'

'I know, when a child's that young, parents are near-on deities, anyway, but...you even more so.'

'I think I'll just say you said "no you're not", if asked.'

'Why is that?'

'I still haven't told my girlfriend the true other-parent of the kid we're going to have, I really don't think I want to tell her I'm a parent with yet another other woman...'

The reverend looked at her.

'Long story.'

'Sounds like a fascinating one...but I won't ask. Unless you want to tell me. Don't forget about Clerical Confidence.'

'I thought that only applied to Catholic confessions...'

'Usually, but I also apply it to gossi...er...juic...ah...any confidences one of the students or faculty wish to bring to me. I just love to hea...er...help.'

Aggie raised an eyebrow at the reverend and decided to...

[Tamar]

...go see a more professional, less creepy chaplain.


"So you see, Rabbi Zaftig,"* said Aggie, "the reason I haven't told Penny that Lisa will be RN's father isn't that Gender-belted Lisa and I are supposed to sleep with each other. Nor is it even that Penny doesn't like Lisa, because she really does. You should've seen how hard she cried when we said goodbye to her at the airport. Anyway. The reason, I guess, is that, even with artificial insemination being involved, according to RN, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea."

"And why is that?" said the rabbi, smiling gently. (She was, like all fictional rabbis, learned in the magical applications of Kabbalah, so all this time travel / gender-bending stuff was nothing she hadn't heard of before.)

"Wellll... Lis is my best friend, y'know? Even with the in vitro factor, it just... squicks me out. So unless the future really is 100% pre-determined, I'm thinking I'd prefer to be inseminated with someone else's sperm."

"But you see, Aggie, if you did that, and assuming the time-loop isn't stable--I'm far from 100% sure myself--so that you could do it, you'd be, in effect, knowingly aborting a specific child. Now I'm not anti-choice, as I take it you're not, but still... given you've met your future son RN three times, and gotten a good idea of his character and accomplishments and all, is making it so that he might not be born really what you're prepared to do?"

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

"...Aggie?"

Aggie's eyes brimmed over. "I don't know!" Rabbi Zaftig offered her a box of tissues and waited patiently until she'd sobbed herself out.

"What... what do you think I should do, rabbi?" Aggie said at last.

The rabbi leaned forward and smiled. "I think you should talk it over with Penny. Tell her everything. You've already said you don't think it's her reaction that would be the main issue. This is a decision only you two can make for yourselves."

"I... Yes. Yes, I will." Aggie sniffled. "Thank you, rabbi."



So that afternoon, Aggie went for a walk with Penny where they could be more or less unobserved, and spit it out.

"...Wow." Penny stopped walking. "Wow wow wow. This is big. I... I'm glad you told me though, baby."

"Are you... are you mad at me?" said Aggie.

"'Course not. Not like you set up any of this to happen." Penny hugged her and they pivoted, like that, to the left and right for a few moments. "And hey. Could be much worse. The father could've been Stan."

Aggie giggled. "Aw, but you know Stan's no longer... anyway." She released herself, slowly and reluctantly, from Penny's hug and looked her plain in the eye. "What do you think we should do?"

"I think..." Penny cleared her throat. "I think we should...


*Who was, contrary to what you'd think, an A-cup. And yes, she'd heard all the jokes.

[Alice Macher]

...go for it. First, if you're that squeamish about Lisa's... genetic material being placed inside you, you can probably request a general anaesthetic for when it's done. Second, better the dev--er, kid--we know. And we do know RN turns out just fine, from what we've seen of him. Third, it was he who tipped us off about the PAlmanac, which has helped us a lot already, so I think we owe it to him to, y'know, let him exist." Penny took Aggie's hands in hers. "Whaddya say?"

"...Yes," said Aggie. She grinned widely. "You've convinced me. Yes to Lisa!Dad and yes to Robert Nicholas--RN. Our son." She hugged Penny tight. "Thank you, Penny. I love you."

"I love you, too," said Penny, hugging back. "So, assuming we get to wait at least until we've graduated to go ahead with this (I hope the PAlmanac agrees), how do we broach the subject with Lisa and make sure she's up for this?"

Aggie smacked her forehead, hitting Penny's shoulder on the way up. "D'oh, of course. --Sorry.-- We can't just show up at Lisa's one day with a belt of gender change and a turkey baster--"

"Ew, Ag!"

"Oh, c'mon. That's a familiar enough expression, if it doesn't squick me out, it shouldn't do that for you. My point is, you're right. So should we tell Lisa now, or wait a few years, or...what."

Penny considered this. "I'd say better sooner than later. But it's the sort of convo you don't wanna do over the phone or Skype, yeah?"

"Good point," said Aggie. "Maybe during Thanksgiving weekend? Or hold on, no, Christmas break. That'll give us more time."

"Makes sense. Christmas break it is."

The two of them found a bench and sat down, then held hands and were silent for a bit.

After a few minutes, Penny said, "So apart from that... how was your day?"

"Well, in Eagles for Legals, I created life. Godlings, to be specific."

Penny looked at her, then simply nodded and went back to watching the leaves fall. "Yeah, I'd say that's about par for the course in our lives."

Aggie snickered. "Anything weird happen in your classes, then?"

"Well, in astronomy, AKA Moonrocks for Marketeers, Sara and I...

[Tamar]

...learned about the Kuiper belt."

"...And?" said Aggie.

"Do I stutter?"

"Penny, that's offensive to..." Aggie shook her head and hands. "Never mind. What I mean is, what happened when you learned about the Kuiper belt?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you and Sara somehow get transported there? Did you make a model that started spinning around? Did a personification of it walk through the door, inspiring the sitcom idea, Hangin' with Mr. Kuiper?"

"No, no, and what the fuck. Why are you asking me these things, Aggie?"

Aggie scratched her head. "Because I asked you if anything weird happened in any of your classes."

"Nope," said Penny, smiling. "And considering how our lives work, that was what was weird."

"Whoa. Heavy."

"That is such a hippie thing to say, Little Grassnonsmoker." Penny squeezed her, and the two of them rolled off the bench and through the autumn leaves, wrestling happily, until they rolled into...

[Valerie]

...a leg. They looked up to discover that the leg belonged to...

[Alice Macher]

...a goddess, dark-haired, dark-eyed, tunic-clad and rather severe-looking.

"I am Hekate, goddess of witchcraft," she said. "I seek the one known as the Thunderbolt Trickster."

"Um...no offence, Lady Hekate," said Penny, "but how'd you get on campus? There are all these anti-magic barriers, due to the problem 3Bad had with fundies some years back and--"

"SILENCE!" A blast of wind blew the girls back a couple of feet. "I care not for silly mortal bans, wards, palisades and ramparts. Now...where is she?"

Something in the deity's manner didn't make the two mortals especially eager to help her. "Well, Lady," said Aggie, "I can tell you she isn't here, due to the aforementioned palace...thingie."

"Palisade."

"Right."

Hekate folded her arms. "Well, then. My divine intuition tells me you two have some sort of connection to her, though you be not magical yourselves. Where, then, is the Thunderbolt Trickster?"

"I don't know where exactly at the moment," said Aggie, looking her in the eye and hoping this equivocation would work. "She travels a lot, and AAAAAA!"

Aggie recoiled from an energy blast emanating from the goddess's palm. "Do not even think of lying to me, lousy bit of ephemeral flesh and bones."

"Aggie!" Penny glared at Hekate. "You leave my wife alone. I don't care who you are."

Hekate chuckled. "Please. What will you do to me? Even if you were possessed of occult arts, which you are not, you couldn't harm me."

"Probably not," said a voice behind her, "but I most definitely could. So unless you want to see how, you'd best back off."

"Who dares?" Hekate turned to look, and was nonplussed to see...

[Kamino Neko]

...herself.

'Oh, Hel, not this again.'

'Hel's elsewhere - she's a busy deity - and, yes, this again. How many times do I need to remind you you're not allowed in this plane of existence.'

'Come on, I'm the one who's native to here.'

'Yes, and now, I'm the Hekate in charge of this reality, thanks to that incident with the...

[Tamar]

...wand that you tried to kill all those (mostly) blameless Artemis girls over."

"It had to be destroyed, along with all who knew of it. It was too puissant to be allowed to exist, let alone to be wielded by mortal clay."

Authorized!Hekate snorted. "Don't bullshit me, sister. You wanted the wand's power, which came from Artemis Academy itself, for your own ends, and wanted to destroy anyone who you feared might use it instead...perhaps against you. And when the Thunderbolt Trickster stopped you, where Melissa Hellrune and Tiffany Winters couldn't, you swore revenge against her."

"I never!" Unauthorized!Hekate bit her lip. "Well, mayhap a little. All right, a lot. Vile mortal non-worshipper of me."

"Holy crap," whispered Aggie.

"More like unholy crap, Agathe D'Amour," said Authorized!Hekate. She turned back to her other aspect. "And that, sister, is why, as punishment for violating your terms of exile, I must strip you here of your powers and send you back to your new plane as a mortal cleaning woman." She held out her palm and chanted Linear A Greek words as the unauthorized one...transformed.

"NOOOOOO!" said the banished deity aspect. "Noooo... eh, no, no... I need more Lemon Pledge..." And with that, she was gone.

Authorized!Hekate turned to smile at the huddled, astonished girls. "So sorry about that, Agathe, Penelope. Hm. Nice classical Greek names. Anyway, you and your friend back in your home polis--er, town--are safe now. As for me, I can hear what must be your campus's magic alert sirens going off, so I'd better head off back to my crossroads, at the foot of Olympus, and you'd best head back to your dorm before you're suspected of anything. Farewell, ladies, and may the Fates continue to weave your threads in your favour."

"Goodbye, Good Hekate," said Penny and Aggie, waving as the goddess disappeared. (It was easier for them under the circumstances to think in terms of "Good" and "Evil" personages, like with Cyndi.) Then they hightailed it back to Bechdel Quad and their room.



"So how did you stop Evil Hekate from nuking all those people over the wand?" said Aggie that evening after dinner, as she and Penny Skyped with Lisa.

"Welp," said Lisa, "first I whipped out my trusty...

[Kamino Neko]

...bullshit whip--'

'Lisa! Language!' Aggie glared.

'That's what it's called!'

'No, it's not. They're bullwhips.'

'No, those are something different.'

Aggie raised an eyebrow. 'OK, so, if...those aren't bullwhips, then what are they?'

Lisa grinned. 'A bullsssshootin' whip is...

[Alice Macher]

...a magical tool that makes something look like something other than it is. So I whipped the wand with the bullspit whip (hoping the whip would [a] work on a wand so powerful and [b] at least not get blasted to bits) and the Evil!Hekate-possessed students suddenly saw it as... a horriterriscarifying giant snake which seemed to lunge and hiss at them." Lisa chuckled. "They were so scared they snapped right out of their 'Faster Espercat Kill Kill' trance and ran off.

"Then I pulled smelling salts out of my utility belt to revive Tiffany, Melissa and Faith, and together, as a one-time, strange-bedfellows team, we faced down Evil!Hekate's inevitable arrival in person." Lisa swished her arms around as Penny and Aggie leaned forward, caught up in the excitement. "Swish! Woosh! Tiffany flipped and tumbled this way. Woosh! Swish! Repixified Mel flitted around that way. Biff! Boff! Faith did her esper thing where she appeared to be first here, then there, then here again. And as Hekate got more and more confused and flustered in trying to zap people, yours truly here grabbed the wand and...

[Tamar]

...swallowed it."

"..." said Penny and Aggie.

"You're both getting real good at pronouncing ellipses. I've taught you well."

"You...swallowed a huge-ass, crowned, ginormously powerful wand," said Penny.

Lisa shrugged. "I'm a toon. Just like you two. Only unlike you two, I've been one all my life, so I've had plenty of time to discover what's possible and impossible for me to do."

"Yeah yeah," said Aggie. "But taking into yourself all that power at once...how was that safe?"

"O I C what you mean. I created a sort of shield-aura-thingie inside myself, just before swallowing the wand, so I could safely remove it from the scene, just as Hekate finally collapsed from exhaustion. Then, grabbing Mel by the hand, I apparated just outside the school and had her show me the spot where she'd caused the school to cough up the damn thing. Then I pulled the wand out of myself, like a carnival sword-swallower, and pressed it against the building, while asking the school to take it back into itself. And maybe not to be so free with its power in the future, especially with new transfer students whom you'd think, being witches in an anti-witch school, would want to keep a low profile. Mel didn't like my saying that, but hey, I don't necessarily always say what people want to hear."

"Got that right," said Penny.

"Hurr durr," said Lisa. "Anyway, the school absorbed the wand, while I 'ported to Olympus with the unconscious Hekate. Hermes met me there and hoisted her over his shoulder. 'Yeah, this one's been a loose cannon lately,' he said. 'Zeus has been looking for an excuse finally to replace her with a less unilaterally evil aspect. Thanks, Lis.' And then he flew up the mountain with her, and I guess Zeus saw to the rest."

"...Are there any pantheons you're not on a first-name basis with?" said Aggie.

Lisa thought a moment, then Luna popped out from behind her. "Well," Luna said, "I don't believe she's ever met the...