As long as we're sharing...
A part of me understands where Lisa is coming from, if I am indeed interpreting correctly. No, I'm not saying I wish I was abused, or molested, or ill, or anything like that. But I have, at my lowest points, thought how much easier it would be. Fortunately, my brain is constantly divided between the intellect and the emotions, so even when I'm feeling at my lowest emotionally, the intellect side is pointing out why that's shit.
I have a lot of issues. Abandonment issues, trust issues, anger issues, and even mild paranoia. But I have no legitimate reason for any of those things. My parents were good parents. Sure, we've had our disagreements and I've never seen eye-to-eye with my dad, but they've always been there for me, or tried. They let me fight my own battles, but they were always there to step in the minute I needed them to. My mom always made it clear to me that I could talk to her about anything, and if there was something I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about, I had a support network of other people that I could go to. Teachers. Relatives. Neighbors. Parents of my friends. And yet despite all that, I still can't stop being afraid of people.
I had a dream last night. I was in a stadium, or something, and a friend of mine was on the ledge above the bleachers. I wanted to go up and sit with him for awhile, but the ladder was... kinda flimsy. It didn't look like it could hold my weight. But I wanted to try. I got up a few rungs, but then I realized I wouldn't be able to get from the ladder to the ledge without a little help, and the ladder acted like it was starting to give.
The people I was with were below me, and my friend was right there, waiting. I could have kept going, asked him to help pull me onto the ledge. He'd have caught me if I slipped. I like to think he would have. My other friends would have caught me if I'd fallen. I like to think they would have. But I climbed down, because I couldn't trust them. And yes, that was a dream, but that's how I feel constantly.
But I have no legitimate reason.
It's really hard to tell your friends that you're afraid that they're going to leave you one day, that you don't trust them to catch you if you fall. It's even harder when you can't tell them why. At least if you have a reason, you can tell them why. Make them understand. But if you don't understand yourself?
Sometimes you find yourself grasping at straws. Finding little things that might explain it. And all you come up with are flimsy excuses. Small, insignificant events that just make you feel more pathetic than you already do. Because if you've let those things affect you that much? You are pathetic. And that's even worse.
So yeah, sometimes it's easy to wish that you'd been abused. Molested. Ill. Bullied. Anything. Something that would make you feel less like a pathetic loser whose biggest problem is that you don't like your Am-Lit professor very much.
And I'm not saying Lisa's attitude is right. I'm just saying that I understand it.
I'm drinking water right now. Got a small headache so I'm avoiding anything with anything in it. But I'll raise my glass to you anyway. To all of you.
A wild LeBubbles appeared!
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Hexr wrote:Also, while you are all awesome people, I would like to applaud Captain Awesome LeBubbles. Sir, you're awesome, sir!