Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Tamar]

...right then! For you see, Darren Danforth, working in the school science lab on a food sciences experiment, had just klutzily managed not only to animate and monstrously enlarge a Rice Krispies square, but to fracture the timeline and send all of Belleville back to 1982. As Krispiezilla rampaged through the streets, an old school chum of Bowie's, Nigel "Red" Ridinghood, happened to be on the way to see his American gram, and taking a rather large quantity of milk to her. (She had a condition, you see, that necessitated her consuming that much, in order to live.)

Krispiezilla spotted him and said, "GOT MILK? GOT MILK! KRISPIEZILLA SMASH! NOT THE MILK, THE MEATBAG CARRYING IT."

Red looked up at the confectionary behemoth. "Oh...cobblers," was all he said, before he turned and ran.

Fortunately, Lisa, once she'd figured out what happened, was on the case. Quickly purchasing a pair of 1980s leg warmers and putting them on, she flew over to the chase scene and...

[Alice Macher]

...performed the number "Hot Lunch" from the original Fame movie. This distracted Krispiezilla with the promise of ready-made hot food ("KRISPIEZILLA HATE TO COOK!"), enabling Lisa to guide zir over to a fire hydrant. She duly opened this, causing the monster to go all soggy and mushy and fall apart into little bits.

"Cor, thanks," said Red. "You saved me life."

"Yeah yeah, you're welcome," said Lisa. "Now for my next number..." She grabbed a guitar out of her personal hammerspace and launched into "Paradise" by Coldplay. Most of the crowd hated it--this was 1982, after all--but she had her reasons. Namely, by anachronistically playing a song from thirty years in the future -uture -uture, she managed to repair the timeline.

Now it was February 2012 again, and just in time for Stan to plan something a little out of the ordinary for his first Valentine's Day with his first twue wuv as a real boy. And that something he had planned for Di was...

[Alice Macher]

...a horse-and-carriage ride through scenic Belleville Gardens. But since that's not very interesting to those who aren't Stan or Di, let's just say they had a lovely time and move on instead to a question I'm sure has been nagging at many a reader: What's the deal with people in this story pinching each other's lips shut all the time? Isn't that assault? Why do the pinchees put up with the pinchers?

As it turns out, there's an historical reason for that. A timely pinching of lips once saved the Mayor of Belleville's life. It all went down in 1868, when one Cynthia de Kristoff plotted to usurp the mayor's office by spreading...

[Kamino Neko]

...rumours that the mayor was a witch.

A witch?

A witch! He turned her into a [at this point the NARRATOR'S lips are pinched shut by the legal department. Killjoys.]

So, yes, in any case, Cynthia started spreading rumours that the mayor was a witch. Which he couldn't bring himself to deny, since, as it turns out, they were true. (But he was a GOOD Witch. Distant relative of Glinda, as it turns out. Long story.)

What does this have to do with lip pinching, you ask? Well...

[Tamar]

...after a few days, a crowd massed outside City Hall, calling for the mayor's removal from office and the installment, pending a new election, of Deputy Mayor de Kristoff as acting mayor (who would then, with the help of secretly hired hooligans, rogues and rakes, call for emergency powers and martial law).

However, Mayor Agustin Amore stepped outside, smiling, and, after getting the crowd to hear him out, produced charts and graphs to show that local production of widgets, gadgets and even (don't ask) Wadjets had increased 410% since he began casting spells to extend the supply of rareum, the metal pivotal to their manufacture. Mayor Amore also brought forth local veggie burger and wine cooler farmers to testify under oath that the spells they'd requested from him had increased their yield by 535% and 642%, respectively.

"Three cheers for our wonderful witch mayor!" called someone from the back of the crowd. And everyone responded with three "hip hip hoorays," followed by "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."

Cynthia, her plans foiled, turned purple in the face and, in an ironic turn of events, pulled a wand out of her dress, aimed it at the mayor, and said, "Avada Keda--." But at that very moment one Karlotta Symmes, an athletic girl of fourteen, leaped forward and pinched her lips shut before she could fully pronounce the Unforgivable Curse.

De Kristoff attempted to flail herself free. However, the potentially deadly power had already began to build within her wand, and as her flailing caused the wand to point at herself, a sudden blast rendered her permanently mute and paralyzed. Unable to do evil (or good) anymore, she would spend the rest of her days in the "cripple" (sic) section of the town jail.

To honour Karlotta for saving his life, the mayor introduced a municipal council bill that would exempt lip-pinching from charges of assault and battery, unless the recipient of said action had a cold or otherwise wouldn't be able to breathe. The bill passed 18 to 0 with two abstentions. Now, you'd think the state legislature might have had something to say about a municipal government presuming to amend criminal law. However, this wouldn't be the first time that had happened, and the legislators' general attitude was, "Eh, that Belleville place is weird, but they seem to know what's best for them." And so, to this day, lip-pinching in order to quiet someone is not only legal in Belleville, but socially acceptable as well.

Did I say "to quiet someone?" It's also, in fact, widely practiced as a sport. The two main rules are: no use of magic (as in other sports, except inherently magical ones like Quidditch), and no use of any pinching implements other than bare fingers (not fingernails). The 2012 city champion was, in fact, Daphne, challenger to the four-time champion...

[Kamino Neko]

...Danny 'Duckface' Dwibbley.

Duckface didn't dig Daph's daring-do. Dastardly Dwibbley did damn the dame.

'Damage!' Danny drooled, dreaming of deadly deeds done to Daphne.

Daring dirty doings, D^3 did...

[Alice Macher]

...and the next day, Daphne awoke with a scream, as she discovered her fingernails had grown so long and gnarled they twisted around each other and around her fingers, rendering her hands useless. Also, the nails had grown so thick she couldn't cut them.

Susan, who'd spent the night with her, helped her shower (no snerking now), dress and put on makeup, then took her to see Lisa.

"Any idea who could've done this dirty deed, done dirt chea--oops, sorry. Mouth gets ahead of me sometimes," said Lisa, inspecting Daph's nails. She looked at Susan. "Were you able to get a reading on it?"

"Whoever did it, appears to have put up a psychic barrier of some sort, so I can't tell at all," said Susan.

"I have a feeling," said Daphne, "it's Danny 'Duckface' Dwibbley, whom I beat in last week's Lip-Pinch-Off. He wouldn't shake my hand afterward, and kept glowering at me and muttering to himself. I don't think I'm being distrusting or judgemental when I say he's a bit of a sore loser and a prick. A--am I?"

"No, sweets," said Susan. "I think you're neither a sore loser nor a prick." She grinned at her.

Daphne, her eyes still bloodshot from having cried earlier, looked at Susan and then doubled over laughing. Lisa chortled as well. "Thanks, Sue Bear," said Daph. "I really needed that. But um, Lisa, whether we can prove it was Schmuckface or not who did this, can you reverse it?"

Lisa studied her friend's nails again for a moment. "No promises, but I'm sure I can. I'll need...

[Kamino Neko]

...your hand.' Not looking up she pulled an athame-cleaver from a drawer and kept rooting for something.

She did look up when she heard Daphne, who had fainted dead away, hit the floor. She clutched her mystic-fingerprinting kit, and blinked. 'What happened?'

Susan raised an eyebrow at Lisa. 'Really?'

After a few moments, Lisa turned red. 'Oh, right. Ah. My bad.' She coughed and got the spelling salts, and opened the bottle beneath Daph's nose. (No, that's not a typo...spelling salts are actually far more safe than smelling salts. Also, more useful for seasoning your meal in a pinch.)

'I need my hand!!!' Daphne grabbed Lisa by the collar when she came to...her fingernails digging into...uncomfortable places.

'Please...you're hurting me...' Lisa twitched (and immediately regretting it). 'I just need to get the magic fingerprints...'

'Then what was the axe for?'

'It's a cleaver, not an axe...and it was just on top of my fingerprinting kit.'

'... Oh.' Daph released Lisa, who began the process of getting the prints.

'Indeed, this is the work of Duckface...but not only him! He had help! The actual triggerman (well, not so much triggerman, but still) was...

[Alice Macher]

...Naglfar, the ship made of the fingernails and toenails of the dead. Somehow, Duckface was able to tap its magical power, even as it's still under construction, and use it to make your fingernails grow unnaturally. I think I'll be paying the gent a little visit, with Luna and Duane (who can help me with runic stuff) as backup."

Lisa began to pack a kit of road supplies: amulets, runes, pocket editions of the Eddas (Poetic and Prose), a wand made from an Yggdrasil twig, a vial of water from the icy Élivágar rivers, some trail mix ("In case I get hungry") and some rubber bands. She refused to say what the rubber bands were for, only that, more so than with any of the other tools, she hoped never to have to use them. Disregarding Daphne's and Susan's confused stares at each other, she bid them stay put and headed for Duckface's house, which she'd looked up with little difficulty.



"OI! Come out and face me, Danny 'Duckface' Dwibbley," said Lisa in her "magical command" voice, "if that is your real name. Which it isn't, because it's actually...

[Kamino Neko]

...Loki Farbautisson, am I right?'

Duckface peered at her for a few moments, then shrugged. 'And if I am?'

'Isn't messing with a random teenager over the outcome of a sporting event kind of below the station of a trickster god?'

Loki shrugged. 'Hey, get back to me when you're a few thousand years old, and then you can bitch about what I do to relieve the boredom.'

'Why not just go to the Ash and Mountain? When me and Luna were there, we heard Thor talking about all the good times you two had drinking. ... And something about you needing to learn to shave your legs before he lets you near a miniskirt again...'

'Ah, yes, well, I'm not allowed in there, any more.' Loki rubbed the bridge of his nose and coughed.

'Why not?'

'There was...an incident.'

'Oh, the Baldr thing?'

'Ah, no, no, they've forgiven me for that (turns out he's not quite so dead after all, but...ah, no, long story). This time, it was...

[Tamar]

...the result of my telling the owner that Ymir's piss would taste better than the mead he'd served me. I may also have made an unflattering comment about the size of Freyja's tits when she started dancing on the table and flashing everyone. It's all a bit fuzzy now, but that would explain why I recall her husband Óðr pummelling me and a free-for-all breaking out. So...yeah. I get my kicks where I can, now."

"I see," said Lisa. "Be that as it may, though, would you mind releasing my friend from her fingernail curse? She kinda needs those hands of hers."

Loki raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I never work for free. What'll you give me in exchange...fire-hair?" He winked at her.

Lisa cleared her throat. "K, first, these are so not my hair's natural colours. Second, I have a fiancée and I am totes not sleeping with you. So... hm. Let's take a looksee." She rifled through her magic kit. "Ah! Perhaps you'd be interested in this here...

[Alice Macher]

...magic whoopie cushion, which does totes more than make fart noises (although it does that, too--can't mess with the classics). It also...

[Kamino Neko]

...sings the Macarena.' She blew it up, dropped it on the ground, and stomped. It did exactly what she said. And everybody (including Luna, who until this point, had no freaking clue what the Macarena was), did the dance.

'What in Fafnir's name just happened?' Loki raised an eyebrow as he removed his hands from his bottom.

'Oh, yeah, forgot that part.' Lisa grinned. Did she forget, or was she just messing with him? The answer, of course, is yes.

'Well, that...could be fun. Once or twice. A little...' Loki stroked his beard, which had appeared over the course of the conversation.

'So, is it a deal?'

'Not yet. What else you got?' Loki sat down...on the air.

'Hmm.' Lisa began rooting in her bag again. 'Well, I've also got...

[Tamar]

...this trick boutonnière that squirts not only water, but also--without your having to fill it beforehand--milk, beer, chocolate syrup, pomegranate juice, ouzo--"

"And acid?" said Loki, rubbing his hands, a twinkle in his eye.

"Pshya, right," said Lisa, rolling her eyes, "like I'd give you something that could seriously hurt or kill someone."

Loki pouted. "Figures. Goody-goody super-powered individuals. Well, what else you got?"

Lisa fished around in her kit bag some more, then gave up and pulled something from behind her ear. It was a horn of...

[Kamino Neko]

...toad. No, not horned toad. A real toad, the kind that's not really a lizard. The kind that don't really have horns.

Despite all this, Loki knew exactly what it was, and leaned forward. 'Is that...?'

'Yep.'

'... Where'd you get it?'

'Would it be a good negotiating tool if I told you my source?'

'... Deal. Gimme!'

Lisa handed over the horn and the whoopie cushion, and Loki snapped his fingers.

'OK, it's done, your friend's fingernails are back to normal.' With a giggle, Loki ran off.

Everyone else looked at Lisa.

'So, uh, what was that all about?' Duane blinked.

Lisa shrugged. 'The horns of toads are very rare...mostly because they don't exist.'

'So you lied to him?'

'No, that's exactly what that was.'

'But you said--'

'Just because it doesn't exist doesn't make it not real.' Lisa wagged a finger at him.

'Yes it do--'

'Doesn't. Sheesh.'

Duane sighed. 'Right. So, what does this extant, but non-existent toad horn actually do?'

'Toad horns, as all rare-through-non-existence items are, are very powerful. They can...