Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Tamar]

...we should seal it up in a box and take it to the nearest hazardous waste collection centre."

"OR!" Luna leapt up from under the blanket, startling both of them. She too was now naked. "We could save both of you a trip by taking it outside, sealed up, and...

[Alice Macher]

...casting a Relego in aeturnum spell over it. No one of this Earth will see it ever again."

"So sayeth the... not badly put-together naked chick," said Penny, amused. Aggie nodded at her last six words. "I'll see if I can dig up a refrigerator crate."

Luna looked down at herself and blushed. "Oops. Thank you, Penny." She dove back under the blanket. "Oh, and also, forgive me Penny, but I do need to do this." She rummaged underneath for her wand and, finding it, pointed it straight upward. "Accio Lisa's clothes!"

Instantly, the clothes Lisa had been wearing before her transcendence reappeared in the air above her and plopped on top of her head. "Mmph. Thank you, Moonbloom," she said. She and Luna both got dressed.

Once Penny had made some calls and found a refrigerator crate they could use, and a dolly for carrying it, Aggie took the painting, still under the dropcloth, off the easel, and bound the cloth tightly to it with lots of twine. Lisa and Luna carried it downstairs and outside, with Aggie tagging along just in case. When the crate was dropped off at the back entrance, they put the painting inside and Lisa uttered a bunch of Greek and Aramaic words which sealed it up with elaborate magic seals. After testing these, they stood clear as Luna pointed her wand at the crate and said, "Relego in aeturnum. And good bloody riddance."

POP! The crate and its contents vanished. Whither? Not important. All right, to be honest, I've no idea how to spell, nor transcribe in any human writing system, where it went. The key thing is they were for all intents and purposes banished. Vamoose. Gone bye-bye from the story.

After saying goodbye to Aggie, Lisa and Luna walked to their preferred outdoor apparition place, a vacant lot that was all field. "Well, I suppose I'd better be getting back to Hogwarts," said Luna.

"Um. Before you do," said Lisa, rocking on the balls of her feet, "there's somewhere I'd like us both to go, first. Take my hand?"


CRACK! The two girls apparated along the banks of the Thom-a-Jesting River, along one of the borders between Scotland and Faerie. It was a favourite "just the two of us (except that one time Thom showed up)" getaway for both of them.

"Oh. Hello, river," said Luna. "So, Lis, in the mood for a little promenade, are we?"

"Not... exactly." Lisa swallowed and fished in her skirt pockets for a bit. Then she slapped her forehead. "Right! Of course I wouldn't have one on me, nuhoy. Hm. Ah! Luna, do you have your little scissors in your knapsack there?"

"Yes."

After a few moments' silence, Lisa raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Uh... may I, y'know, borrow them?"

"Oh! Haha, sorry, love." Blushing, Luna took them out and handed them to Lisa, who then... cut a sizeable chunk of hair from one of her pigtails. "Thanks," she said, handing the scissors back.

"Lisa! Whatever are you--?"

Lisa held up a hand for silence. She took off her hoodie and laid it on the grass, then took the bit of hair and placed it on top, braiding it into a circle as Luna watched, uncomprehending. Then Lisa pointed her index finger at it and sang the chorus of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend." POOF! The circle of Lisa-hair became a diamond ring.

Comprehension dawned on Luna's face. "Oh... Lisa..."

Lisa got on one knee. "Ow! Actually that kinda hurts when your legs are bare." So she guided Luna to sit down beside her on the grass, and took her hand.

"I... I've been kinda a late bloomer to the whole love thing," she began. "Celebrity crushes, rotated regularly like tires--nm, you wouldn't know about that--and casual kissy-gropeys with friends--well, the ones who were into that--were enough for me. Even Stan was someone I liked hanging with, and also... y'know... with, but I never saw him as someone I could love. I mean, I was real happy for Penny and Aggie, Katy-Ann and Jack, and all, but... didn't see it as my cup of meat. Er, sorry, Bob Dylan reference in those last three words. Although I suppose a cup of chunky chicken sou..." She waved her hands dismissively as Luna stifled a giggle.

"So, yes. Love--not Lisa Winklemeyer's thing. And then I met you."

"And, well, I don't need to go into the whole history of us being together, 'cause you were there, durr-hurr, and y'know, tl;dr. But I will say this: earlier today, when that painting made me 'transcend?' At first I was all, 'w00t, no more annoying fleshiness and eventual dying and shit,' only in boring, gnostic-y kinda words. And then I saw your reaction. And I remembered how I reacted the first time you had to go back to school.

"And that's when I knew I never wanted that to happen to either of us, ever again. I love you, Luna. I want us to be together all our life, and after that, too, and I'll kick the ass of any angel or demon or hungry ghost or whoever says we can't, and shove it up their ethereal...well, ass, I guess."

At this point, Lisa shut up, because Luna was all rolling-on-the-grass guffaws. She waited for her to stop (Gotta work on your comedic timing, Lis) and then, taking her hand again, popped the question.

"Nuhoy," said Luna, smiling, tears in her eyes. "As if you didn't already know, Weirdo McSpiderhair." She kissed her.

Lisa put the ring on her finger. It fit perfectly.

"Welp." Lisa slapped down on her own thighs. "What you want to do now, future Mrs. Lovegood (or whatever last name you want, doesn't matter really)?"

"I know!" Luna stood up and snapped her fingers. "Let's go tell...

[Kamino Neko]

...everybody!'

'I don't know... That's a lot of people, and a lot of ground to cover. There's, like 7 billion people on Earth alone, and then there's all the other planets, and other planes of existence, and--'

Luna giggled. 'Everybody we know, dear.'

'Ah!' If Lisa had been joking, she didn't let on. 'Much, much more reasonable. Still, that's a whole lot of people, in multiple cities in 2 countries. ... Or three. I'm not really sure how this whole United Kingdom thing works...people call Scotland and England different countries, but they've got the same Queen and Prime Minister and Minister of Magic...'

This went on for several more minutes until Luna couldn't talk for laughing.

After the silliness stopped, they decided to start with Luna's father, just because he was closer than Lisa's folks, or Penny and Aggie. Or even Neville. (Lisa wondered, briefly, why Luna felt she ought tell him before any of her other friends, but never inquired.)

Just as Luna reached for the door, it swung open, and out stepped Xenophilius Lovegood...he and his daughter almost collided and both stepped back, startled.

'Oh, hello, Daddy.' Luna waved.

'Ah, Luna, wonderful. And hello, Lisa.' Xenophilius took off the pair of Spectrespecs he'd been wearing and smiled at the girls.

'Wrackspurts again, Daddy?' Luna looked into the house.

'I'm afraid so, dear. The house is positively riddled with them. I've set a Cogito bomb to send them on their way.'

'A bomb?' Lisa peered around Xenophilius. 'Is that safe.'

'Perfectly, perfectly. So long as we're not indoors when it goes off. Then, nasty things may happen.' He stepped out, squeezing between the girls and shut the door behind him. 'Shall we have tea in the garden?' Without waiting for a reply, he headed that way, the girls trailing behind.

As the three of them settled in, Luna smiled at her father. 'Daddy, we've something to tell you.'

'Yes?' Pulling out his wand, Xenophilius pointed to the house. 'Accio tea set.'

Luna held up her hand to show the ring. 'Lisa asked me to marry her, and I said yes.'

'Actually, she said "nuhoy", but in this context, that meant "yes".'

Xenophilius looked at the girls with that. Just then there was a flash of light and a puff of smoke seemed to emanate from his head. It took Lisa by surprise, and she gaped for several seconds before she realized it was just the Cogito bomb going off.

'Sir?' She smiled awkwardly at Xenophilius who hadn't yet responded.

'Ah, yes...' He looked at her, and...

[Tamar]

...said, "Please. It's 'Xenophilius,' not 'sir.' You're family now, Lisa." He took her hand. "I've made an oath to myself to treat all those close to my Luna with condign warmth, affection and loyalty. Perhaps in this way I may atone for the time when I... did not." He looked down and away.

"Oh, Daddy." Luna put her hand on his arm. "Not this again. That's all in the past. They've all forgiven you; the Ministry's forgiven you, and I've forgiven you. You did, after all, do it for my sake."

Lisa blinked. "Did what?"

"I'll tell you later," Luna and her father said at the same time.

Lisa decided not to pry. She had learned something from hanging with Aggie for so long.

"Anyway," she said, fiddling with her spoon.* "I'm glad to be part of the family--Xenophilius. I definitely feel like I belong here. So would my parents and a good many of my ancestors. There's that whole intangible sense of, of..."

"Weirdness?" said Xenophilius, the twinkle back in his eye, as he offered her tea.

"Yeah," said Lisa, grinning. She put down her spoonolin and extended her teacup.


Later, the newly-engaged couple apparated chez Winklemeyer. "Hi mom! Hi dad! I brought Luna."

"We can still see, munchkin," said Leslie. "Hi, Luna. Glad you could make it."

"Pull up a chair and join us, girls," said Anita. "We're playing Scrabblylandopoly."

Luna looked at Lisa for an explanation.

"It's a hodgepodge of Scrabble, Candyland and Monopoly," said Lisa, "using all three gameboards and all the pieces and stuff."

Luna nodded. "Well, having never played any of those Muggle games even by themselves, I can only suppose it'd be less confusing for me to learn how to play them all mish-mashed together."

"I like how this girl thinks," said Leslie, rubbing Anita's ankle with his stockinged foot.

"Then--before we settle down to play--you'll, we hope, really like this," said Lisa, showing them Luna's ringed hand. "We're engaged!"

"Woohoo!" said Anita, in a Simpsons cadence.

"Excccellent," said Leslie, steepling his fingers.

"Welcome to our family, Luna darling," said Anita, holding her arms out to her. And you know what that meeaaans..."

"Aw, geez, mom, not--" said Lisa, facepalming (but not-so-secretly relishing what was to come).

"That's right," said Anita, taking Luna in her arms as her husband came forward.

"ENGAGEMENT NOOGIES!" the couple said, and proceeded to give these to Luna, who, after recovering from the surprise, said, "Actually, this...



* Which, since this is Lisa here, involved actually playing the spoon like a fiddle, with a ladyfinger as the bow. As for how she produced the conclusion of "Baba O'Riley" without strings on the spoon... magic.

[Alice Macher]

...giving of "noogies," as you call them, is very similar to the mating ritual of the Hy-Brasilian Whiffletrough. The male's mother signifies her acceptance of the female by hugging her and rubbing the knuckles of her talons on her head. This is also what starts her ovulating."

The Winklemeyers backed off rather quickly. "Ew."

Luna giggled. "Sorry. But all that is true; it isn't something I just made up to make you stop."



But speaking of "stops," Lisa's and Luna's next one, for the bringing of marital tidings, was...

[Kamino Neko]

...Lisa's distant cousin, Laurence Winkelstein-Meyer XII, wh--

... And now Lisa's giving the narrator the stink-eye through the fourth wall, so we see they really went to see the bori...er...obvious next stop, Penny and Aggie.

As Penny opened the door, and immediately spotted the ring.

'Oh. My. God.' She grabbed Luna's hand, then looked at Lisa.

Lisa grinned and nodded. Luna smiled, and retrieved her hand.

'Aggie! Co--' Penny glared at Lisa and Luna who had pinched her lips shut. 'Mmmph?!'

Lisa made a face at her. 'It's our news, let us tell her, Boopadoop.'

'Mmmphammmph?'

'Boopadoop, it was Blondie's name before she got married to Dagwoo...actually, nevermind. I think I need to start making less obscure jokes.'

'Mmmph. Mmmph, phmph phoo.'

Aggie appeared at this point, wrapped in a large bath towel, hair still soapy. 'Pen, you Oka...' She spotted the three, and blinked. 'I'm not sure I want to know.'

Lisa and Luna let go of Penny.

'Hey, Ags, guess what?' Lisa grinned.

'You two are getting married?'

'...' Lisa pouted. 'God dammit.'

'... I was right?' Aggie blinked, then grinned, then grabbed Lisa and hugged her, then Luna. 'Congratulations!' Then she peered at Penny.

'Ah, hell.' Penny sighed.

'Language, Penny.' Interestingly enough, all 3 of the other girls said that at once. But Lisa and Luna started giggling, so Penny assumed they were teasing Aggie, not actually scolding her. Aggie apparently came to the same conclusion, since she made a face at them.

Penny shook her head. 'Aggie...

[Tamar]

...just go get ready so we can take these two lip-pinchers out to dinner at Le Tour d'Haut-Nez."

"Ooh, great idea, Pen," said Aggie, and she ran back to the bathroom to finish her shower.

"...Le Tour d'Haut-Nez?" said Lisa, eyes springing out momentarily from their sockets before zipping back in. "You sure, Pen? Can, can we chip in just a little plz?"

"Nope!" said Penny, arms crossed. "Our treat. Not like we can't afford it. Thank God the erotic martial arts industry is recession-proof."

"Lisa?" said Luna, once she'd stopped giggling over the eye bit. "What's the story with this Le Tour d'Haut-Nez?"

Lisa put an arm around her while gesticulating with the other hand. "Well, squoosh, it's only the finest restaurant in all of Belleville. It's where la crème de la crème of the city go to see and be seen. And to eat, of course. But not to be eaten. Because why would you go to a restaurant to be--anyway. It's home to some of the finest, most Type-A chefs and most knowledgeable and insufferable waiters in America."

"I see. French cuisine, then, is it?"

"Nope!"

"Continental, then?"

Lisa, wearing a tight-lipped smile, shook her head.

"Hm. Then what's its specialty?"

"Kosher Inuit cuisine!" said Lisa, spreading both arms out rapturously. "The finest this country has to offer south of the North Pole Habad House."

Luna, eyes narrowed, turned to Penny. "She's winding me up, isn't she?"

"Winding--?" said Penny.

"Putting me on," said Luna, translating for her.

"Much as I'd love to say so... no, she isn't. Kosher Inuit cuisine is indeed what Le Tour specializes in. Best of all, it has an optional climate-controlled ice-pond room for those who like catching their own dinner. They even provide the fishing rods."

"I... see..." said Luna.

"But don't worry." Penny laid a hand on her wrist. "They also serve a wide variety of fine cuisines. Even my Grasseater has lots to choose from in its vegetarian menu. As for... what do you call 'em... fantastic beasts, well, you'd have to ask the waiter."

Luna stiffened some. "While I'm not a vegetarian, I do not eat fantastic beasts of any kind. I consider them my friends. Even the really dangerous ones only Hagrid has the nerve (or the barminess) to handle."

"I... I'm sorry," said Penny. "Of course you wouldn't eat them. Not to worry, though, honey; I really doubt anything us Muddles haven't heard of is on the menu."


That evening, the four girls decked out in their finest (magically conjured, in Lisa's and Luna's case) headed out to Le Tour. How did they get in without a reservation, you ask? Well, Penny asked Rob, who asked his boss the V.P. of Marketing, who asked his boss the CEO, who called in a favour from...

[Kamino Neko]

...Leslie Winklemeyer? ... Why not just skip all the foofaraw, and just...no, never mind. Logic has no place in this story. Ever, you hear?

The group were ushered into the main dining room, the centrepiece of which was...

[Alice Macher]

...an ice sculpture of Rabbi/Grand Chief Amaruq Cohen, KBE, who founded the establishment in 1875. A klezmer chamber quartet, backing a katajjaq (Inuit throat singing) duo, provided suitably elegant background music.

After their waiter had recited the specials and taken their orders with impeccable snobbery (even Aggie had to admit he was good), Penny leaned towards Lisa and Luna. "This is so excitiiiiiiing ohmigod," she said with a grin.

"Inorite?" said Lisa. "Aggie, can I count on you for my best woman?"

"Only say yes if they let you wear a tux," said Penny, touching Aggie's hand. "Because rowwwrl."

The four of them laughed. "I insist Aggie wear a tux," said Lisa. "Hey, Moon Pie, who're you gonna ask?"

"Ginny," said Luna, smiling.

"One of Luna's closest Hogwarts friends," said Lisa by way of explanation. "And that fellow, Harry Potter, I've told you about? His girlfriend. De facto fiancée, really."

"Impressive," said Aggie. "I can't wait to meet her. I'm sure she'll have lots of great stories."

"Well," said Lisa, "you could just read the--oh wait, you can't nm sry j/k hahaha where's our appetizers oh here they are!" (No, we can't explain how Lisa has fourth-wall awareness of someone else's fictional mythos. She's... Lisa. It's enough.)

The others looked at her strangely for a moment, but the appetizers quickly distracted them.

"Speaking of de facto fiancées," said Luna, smiling at Penny and Aggie, "I don't mean to pry, but do you two--are you--?"

Agenny exchanged smiles. "Well, it's like this," said Penny. "Thanks to the wonders of time travel (though not by us), we already know some of our future. That we have a son, for instance. We've met him as an adult--Aggie once, us as a couple once. He told us about a book our future selves wrote, to give our present selves guidance for our future, and where to retrieve it from. Of course, someone didn't tell us straight off she could just do a one-second summoning spell to do that, and so we first had a lovely little adventure inside a cheesy music video..."

Lisa blushed and shrunk, but only slightly, as they were at a fine restaurant.

Aggie nudged Penny under the table. "Anyway, we know from the book we will be getting married, so we figured there was no need for either of us to propose and for the other to act all surprised and all."

"This is all very fascinating," said Luna. "Does the book say when the wedding will be?"

"We're still trying to decipher that," said Aggie. "You see, the relevant page says we're to marry 'when the cooler is wined.' Any idea, magickal girls, what that might mean?"

"Mmm," said Lisa, putting on an actual thinking cap, changing it to a red and black plaid pattern first to match her taffeta. "Just a hunch, and plz not to hold me responsible here, but that could refer to...

[Kamino Neko]

...one of you going to jail, and getting out.'

'Wat?' The two looked at her, faces blank.

''Splain yourself, Crabhead.' Penny raised an eyebrow.

'Well, see "cooler" - that's slang for "prison". Also jug, bighouse, pokey--'

'And "wined"?' Penny sighed.

'Well, what will you drink to celebrate when you get out?'

Penny and Aggie looked at her for a moment, then turned to Luna.

'You have any theories?' Penny ignored the face Lisa made at her.

'Well, maybe...

[Tamar]

...it refers to the Eight-Horned Kulerbeast of Omagarashid, which leaves its forest cave once every two years and lets out a furious roar that rends the fronds from the surrounding Platinum-hued Palms and stamps its iron-toenailed hooves, temporarily uncovering the underground Turkish Delight River. Then the beautiful female djinn known as the Rinj-a-Dinj-Dinjirs alight from the mountaintops and placate the Kulerbeast with their, um, 'inner juice of mystery,' which is said to be as sweet as wine. Thus the Kulerbeast can be said to, er, wine and dine upon them until, sated (and very happy), it returns to its cave."

"...I like that one a lot better," said Aggie.

"Yeah, me too," said Penny, "at least compared to the jail thing."

"Hmph," said Lisa. "Mind you, the four of us having been in jail, briefly, after that Rayne schmuck turned our protest into a riot... I can see why you'd want to avoid it."

"Precisely so," said Penny. "So, Luna, how does one find out when the Kulerbeast-wining has taken place? Does the Omagarashid Daily News tweet about it or something? Is there an e-mail list you can subscribe to for updates?"

"Oh, Nimue's knickers, no," said Luna. "You'd have to either go witness it for yourself, or know someone trustworthy who can do it for you and report back."

"I... see," said Penny. "Any idea when the last reported sighting of this event was?"

"Mm...oh yes. I remember when my Uncle Xenophanes sent me the holophotos from his trip. They were taken... let's see... carry the four... two years ago this coming weekend."

Agenny's eyes widened like saucers. Well, okay, saucers don't widen; they got as big as saucers. They looked at each other.

"Penny," said Aggie, taking her hand, "do you think...

[Kamino Neko]

...we could go to Omagarashid?' She paused. 'Oh, but we don't even know where that is...'

'I didn't know where Omaha was until my parents dragged me there, either...'

'Yeah, bu--' Aggie blinked. 'Omaha?'

'You know, in Nebraska?'

'Yes, I know where it is, but...I mean...I'm not sure which shocks me more, that you didn't know where it was, or that you went there for some reason.'

'Focus, Aggie...for God's sake, don't turn into Lisa on me...'

'Hey!' Lisa and Luna both responded at the same time. Luna seemed a bit more offended by it.

'ANYway...' Penny shook her head. 'Luna presumably knows...'

'Of course. Though I'm not sure you'd want to go, it's...

[Alice Macher]

...beyond the Yard of Birds, in the Crown dependency of British Sikeedelya, just southwest of the Isle of Man. The climate's not the most temperate, I'll admit. A real hothouse, that Omagarashid."

"Long as we're not talking flowing lava everywhere we go, I think we can handle heat," said Aggie. "Right, Pen?"

Penny's lower lip quivered. "But... my hair... IIII mean of course, baby, anything for love, right?"

Aggie smirked. "Right you are, princess. As in 'Well, excuse me, princess.'" Lisa covered her mouth and giggled.

Penny rolled her eyes. "Mockery of perfectly reasonable hair-care concerns aside... is there anyone thereabouts who can show us around, Luna?"

"Yes," said Luna, picking a teeny tiny frost flea out of her gazpacho. "His name's Roger the Engineer. Very knowledgeable in both magic and Muggle technology. I can get his contact information from my dad."


That Friday, Penny and Aggie took a plane to Glasgow International Airport, and from there a ferry to British Sikeedelya, where they met up with Roger. He was dressed smartly but plainly for the jungle, and looked somewhat like John Cleese (with moustache). "Righto," he said, "let's be off, shall we?"

As, trekking through the Platinum Palm trees, they neared the fabled cave, Roger said, "Now, gels, the most important precaution to take in observing the Eight-Horned Kulerbeast's emergence is...

[Kamino Neko]

...don't look them in the horns.'

'Don't you mean "don't look them in the eyes"?'

'No. The eyes are safe. More than safe, in fact. Kulerbeasts - especially the 8-horned variety - are very shy. Looking them in the eye just makes them get bashful, and wander away.'

'Well, we don't want them to wander away. The Rinj-a-Dinj-Dinjirs probably won't show up if they do.'

'Oh, well, then, don't look them in the eye then, either. But, you see, the 8-horned type are quite sensitive about their horns, which are rather smaller and less numerous than other kinds of Kulerbeasts, and if you look at them, the Kulerbeast thinks you're making fun of them, and charges.'

'That's...strange.' Penny blinked.

'And dangerous.' Roger nodded.

'Are they trying to prove their horns are just as good as the more-than-eight-horned Kulerbeasts' horns by goring you with them?' Penny smirked. 'They are definitely boys...'

'No, no, nothing like that. In fact, they keep their horns entirely away from the action and...

[Tamar]

...fire their tusks at you, at a rate of 150 km per hour."

"...How many tusks does one of 'em have?" said Aggie.

"Oh, it varies." Roger shrugged. "Generally between thirty and forty. They grow more of them, too."

"'K GOING HOME NOW PLEASE," said Penny, turning about-face. However, Aggie simply grabbed her waistband and held her fast.

"Hey. Hey, c'mon now," said Aggie, smiling as Penny turned to glare at her. "Don't be a baby, baby. If we just keep our eyes down, well past the dude's head, it won't hurt us. Right, Roger?"

"Right-right!"

Penny sighed. "You had me at 'Don't be a baby.' Damn it, Alfalfa Sprout, you know me and my pride too well." And she kneeled beside Aggie once more, watching the cave.

Soon, there was a rustling sound from within. A shadow poked outside the cave mouth, followed in short order by the beast attached to it.

"It's... beautiful," said Aggie in a whisper.

"Remember, gels, keep your eyes down," said Roger.

Penny squinted. "Those... those long, thick things sticking out of its upper thighs--are those its tusks?"

"No," said Roger. "The tusks are hidden in a pocket below its neck. What you're looking at are the creature's... organs of generation."

Penny boggled. "EWWWWWWWW..."

"Shhhh!" said the other two.

"Sorry."

The Kulerbeast looked around in place, and then threw back its head and roared. Penny and Aggie held hands to calm each other as palm fronds ripped off the trees and the earth directly in front of the cave split open to reveal the Turkish Delight River."

"Mmm..." Penny, still keeping her head down, took in the smell of the Turkish Delight, which calmed her, and her partner, down considerably. (This was, of course, nothing new to Roger.) "Smells so good... but I know to stay put."

"Good thing it ain't a sweet potato ice cream river," said Aggie. "Oh wait, you don't like that anymore."

Roger looked quizzically at the two of them, who smiled and shrugged. Yanks, he thought, shaking his head.

At last, from the surrounding mountains, there flew down the Rinj-a-Dinj-Dinjirs. As the djinn neared the beast, Aggie could see they were indeed very beautiful. And very naked.

"Huminahuminahuminahumina..."

Penny tittered. "Be strong, my dykeish darling," she said as she rubbed her back.

Roger looked at Penny. "Aren't the both of you--?"

"Aggie's my exception." She winked at Roger, who went back to shaking his head and watching.

In the interest of decorum and work-safeness (work-safeness??), we'll skip over the "placating the beast with their 'inner juices of mystery'" part. Just know that it was done. (You can be sure Aggie in particular paid rapt attention, despite not knowing whether to be aroused or squicked.) You're welcome.

At length, the Kulerbeast, now sated and pacified, turned and, with a yawn, returned to its cave, not to emerge for another two years.

"Welp," said Penny, standing up and stretching, "Guess that's that. Now we've seen that... spectacle, little Juicemaster, you and I can go back home and get--"

"Hang on," said Roger, tapping her shoulder. "I forgot to tell you. Don't step out into the open just yet. Wait until the djinn have all... oh bugger, they've spotted us."

"Look, sisters!" said a djinni, pointing. "Mortals."

"Indeed," said another. "God has blessed us today with additional lovers. Three of them, to be precise."

"Ah... Good afternoon, noble djinn," said Roger, tipping his Tilley hat. "We'd love to oblige in that capacity, but we really must be moving along. Shuttle bus to catch, you know. Real bother if we miss--"


Three precisely-aimed shots of mouth-darts to their necks, and our three intrepid adventurers blacked out. The next thing they knew, they were dressed in 1001 Nights-type harem garb (even Roger), in an opulent chamber high up within a mountain cave.

"I... I take it," said Aggie with an unsteady voice, "that when we've had enough of... whatever fragrant oil that is you're rubbing into our skins, getting our old clothes back and leaving is not an option?"

"You assume correctly, O pulchritudinous piece of... something good starting with a 'p,'" said the Head Rinj-a-Dinj-Dinjir.


Oh no! What a sexy, er, arousing, er, hawt... TERRIBLE! Terrible predicament our heroes were in. Why, their only hope of escape now was to...