Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Kamino Neko]

...speak at an international volunteers convention about 'not letting the work take you over'. Because he was a speaker, his injury delayed the conference significantly - which he felt guilty about, which was made worse by the fact that he was already guilty about leaving his work behind to attend the conference.

'You'll be right as rain in no time, Mr Larson.' The nurse who was attending him smiled at him. 'You were lucky...she didn't really hit you as hard as some. Your gonads, while injured, are still where they belong.'

'I hope you're right... ...' Stan paused for a moment. 'About my being "right as rain in no time" that is, not those other poor guys' nuts being outside their nutsacks...'

The nurse chuckled. 'I knew what you meant.'

'Right. Anyway, I hope my junk is back to normal soon, since I have stuff to do...'

The nurse raised an eyebrow.

'... No, not stuff to do with my genitals.' Stan winced at the thought. 'I just can't really afford to lie around while I wait for them to heal.' He explained, briefly, what he was doing in Montreal. 'And when I return home, I plan to...

[Tamar]

...work on winning, and deserving to win, the heart of the only woman I've ever truly loved, namely...

[Kamino Neko]

...Di.'

Yes, readers, his true love was not Brandi, nor Lisa, nor even Penny, but Di.

'How can this be?,' you ask. Well, it's fairly simple. While Old Stan was capable of attachment, true love wasn't really a thing he could do, as there was far too much selfishness layered on top of everything for the love to poke through.

But, New Stan, making a connection with Di? That took.

Unfortunately for Stan, figuring out how to win Di's heart was a bit harder than it would have been for the other three (or even Yolanda). Now, he knew some of what he'd need to do, of course, and Di's not an excessively complicated young woman...she's just not quite the kind of girl he's used to.

The first step of Operation Never Say Di (...yeah, Stan, like Guy and Lisa is not allowed to name these things any more) was....

[Alice Macher]

...as Nick had done with Melody (not that Stan knew about that), finding out what mattered most to Di and helping her achieve it.

This posed something of a challenge, as he soon discovered that what Di valued most was "kicking serious fucking ass" in lacrosse, martial arts, and the number of other physical activities she enjoyed. Spindly Stan, however...although he always tried his best and acted sportsmanlike in Phys. Ed., because that was all that was needed to get a good grade in it, he was no athlete and he knew it. Back in his "street" days, he'd handled the frontin' and smack-talkin' while Rich and Jack did the heavy lifting. Or punching, whatever. So he couldn't really help Di be the best at what mattered most to her.

...Or could he? Giving it some thought, he decided he could help Di bend it like Beckham (Wait, he thought, wrong sport, isn't it?) by...

[Kamino Neko]

...purchasing as many books as he can find on tips tricks, and techniques for all her amazingly athletic activities, in order to coach her.

His favourite was Love, Life, and Lacrosse, which gave this very simple advice...

[Tamar]

..."To improve your shooting, be creative during solo practice. Shoot side-arm, behind the back, with your toes, with the wrong end of the stick, whatever you can think of. While you don't want to do all those things during a team practice or game (nuhoy*), having fun with solo practice shooting helps you become more flexible and able to think on your feet when playing attack."

"With my toes, Larson?" said Di, eyebrow raised, as he read to her in bed after a particularly good shag. (They were still sleeping together occasionally, yes. Di was sexually attracted to him--because, c'mon, Stan--but had no idea yet as to the full extent of his feelings.)

Stan shrugged. "Hey, can't hurt to try it, right? No one has to see you do it."

"I guess." She leaned over to peek at the text. "What's this about singin' opera while practicing foiling the defense? What the fuck's that about?"

"Well, according to the author, to be the best lax player possible, you need to develop and engage your right brain as well as your left brain, and one of the ways she recommends doing so is through combining music with gameplay during practice. Like I said, can't hurt to see for yourself."

So Di, against what she felt was her better judgement, tried those sorts of things while practicing both solo and with a partner as defence, and within a short time, she found...


*The author was a distant relative of...well, one guess.

[Kamino Neko]

...it worked. Not least because it made her hyper-vigilant and extra-aware of her surroundings, as she tried to make sure nobody (except Stan) saw she was being a total dork.

She also learned that she could sing like a boss. (Not The Boss, it should be noted...if she sang like Springsteen, that'd be vaguely disturbing.)

'Wow, that's quite a voice you've got.' Stan applauded.

'Mocking me is not the way to get in my pants, Larson.'

'Would I mock you, Di? Would I, at any point in my life, mock a beautiful woman?'

'I don't know about "at any point in your life", but I'll give you the rest of it.' Di rested her lacrosse stick on her shoulder. 'So, you're saying I can sing, huh?'

'Like a boss.'

'But I don't particularly like Bru--'

We take a brief break while I give our heroes a brief talking to about stealing my jokes.

...

'So, anyway...' Stan slipped an arm around Di's waist. 'I was thinking--'

Di grinned wickedly at him. 'I can guess what you're thinking.' She rested her hand on his rear end.

'Ah, well, yes, that, too. But after we've finished with that, we should...

[Alice Macher]

...go see Ag Rho Bringitt's seminar at Varsity Arena."

Di did a double-take. "The star first home attack for the U.S. women's lax team? Dude. The tickets are $150 a pop."*

Stan smiled. "It's on me."

"Really? Hey, thanks, Larson, that's real nice of you." She grinned. (The way the sunlight glistens off her braces... thought Stan.) "But you do realize, don't you, that men normally put out that kind of money before the woman, y'know, puts out herself."

"Heh heh. I know. Let's just say I hear this seminar has way, way more useful expert lax tips than I could give you, book or no book. And I really want to help you be the best."

"Even though I'm already boinkin' you?"

"Even though you're already boinkin' me, yes."

Di bit her lip as she looked up at him. "Wow. My cheeks feel all warm. My heart's racin'. An' I'm not in the middle of practice or a game. What...what d'you think this means?"

Stan smiled warmly as he touched her cheek. "You tell me, Di."

"I... I think I'ma let my lips do the talkin'. Wait, they do that anyway, don't they? Kinda hard t' talk without 'em." She giggled. "Ho-ly shit, I just giggled. I...y'know, no boy's ever treated me this way. Y'know, like I ( a ) wasn't a dyke and
( b ) wasn't about to sock 'im one. I...I really, really like you, Stan." She threw her arms around him and gave him a kiss, well, like a boss.

"Really, really like," huh? thought Stan. Bit Sally Field (wait, how do I know that reference?) but it's a good start.



There now, wasn't that a heartwarming story? And it's not over yet, either. But for now, let's look in at the continuing story of the Girlbots, as they experiment with...


* Women's lacrosse was very, very popular in the CtSverse, with pro players earning as much as six-figure salaries. Of course, this was a few years before the invention of smackball, and its smexy star players like Brandi, overshadowed it somewhat.

[Kamino Neko]

...lesbotis...what the hay? ... Sorry, someone mixed a dirty fanfic in with my script.

...As they experimented with...themselves? Is this another dir...ah, ok, no...they're just trying to upgrade themselves.

'Humph.' John sat, and crossed his arms. 'Isn't my work good enough for them? Ungrateful little tin-ca--'

'Come now, Sir...' The one girlbot who wasn't upgrading herself, a slightly nerdy looking one who wore spectacles for some reason, shook her head and held out a clipboard with the girlbots' planned upgrades. 'Can't you see it as a compliment that you've created girlbots who are intelligent enough to successfully upgrade themselves?'

'Ah, well...I suppose so.' John held out his hand. 'Let's see that list, Macy.' He looked it over. 'OK, that makes sense...oh, good luck on that one...I don't think it's possible to unnoodle the manifest after the requisite transformations, but if they can do it... ... OK, that one is totally Maria's idea. And...GREAT GALILEO'S GHOST!' John jumped up. 'We've got to stop them before it's too late!'

'What is it, Sir?'

'Tesla's testes, Macy, didn't you look over this list?'

'Of course I did, Sir.' She looked at it again. 'What has got you so upset?'

'This, Macy, this!' He pointed to an item on the list, as he hurried off toward the lab. 'If they do that, it could be the end of the world!'

'Sir, I don't see what's so dangerous about...

[Alice Macher]

...adding a pausitron reverserator to our particle collider systems."

"Oh, you don't, do you?" said John. "Well then, I suppose we'll just have to review our physics, shan't we? Chessica! Super Maria! Polly triplets! Get in here!"

The other girlbots filed in. "What's wrong, John?" said Chessica.

John blushed and turned his head away. "Gah! Well, first of all, ladies, I know you've needed to open your casings and such, but do put your clothes back on when I call you. My fault for making you anatomically correct. Don't know why, other than an obsession with accuracy and--"

"All right, John, all right. Relax," said Mono Polly. "We're dressed now. You can turn around."

Exhaling slowly, John turned back to face them. "Yes, that's much bett--Maria! Put your top on, too. At once."

"Hee hee, gotcha," said Maria, obeying.

"Sheesh. Now." He pointed to the last item on the clipboard. "What's this about a pausitron reverserator?"

"We wanted to experiment with miniature galaxy creation in a controlled environment," said Chessica. "Should be safe, right?"

John rubbed his temples. "Yes, it would be safe if it were a positron reverser you were using for the job. I should know; a project of mine, My Little Cluster, won last year's science fair in the physics division. A pausitron reverserator, though, has never been built by anyone, and never should be. Even God would think twice about doing so. Do you know why?"

The girlbots shook their heads.

"Ah." John rubbed his chin for a few seconds. "Then I must've neglected to add that section, of the textbook I wrote, to your knowledge banks. Forgive my loss of temper, do. But let me show you, for future reference, what the process of pausitron reverseration would actually do. Macy?"

Macy stepped forward. "Yes, sir?"

"Stop calling me 'sir.' --Now Macy, face that wall, and...projector function, please."

A door in Macy's midriff opened, revealing a projector lens that flashed a square of light against the wall. At the same time, a lid opened on the top of her head, allowing John to insert a flash drive containing a PowerPoint presentation, which he opened. "You see, when pausitron reverseration occurs, even within a so-called contained environment, it produces lethargenergy. This is an extremely volatile form of energy that spreads rapidly, causing a chain reaction and transforming all energy and matter in its wake, making everything from the tiniest leptons to the largest galaxy clusters too lazy to move. The result, in short, is cosmos-wide maximum entropy, only within a few years (mere seconds, here on Earth) instead of 10E100 years. Does everyone understand?"

All the girlbots nodded. "We're sorry, John," said Chessica. "But you know," she said, getting up from her seat and walking toward him, "you still look awfully tense. Perhaps you could use a little...

[Kamino Neko]

...she leaned in and whispered something to him.

'Why, Chessica...I'm surprised that you would suggest such a thing...'

Chessica blushed. Yes, the girlbots can blush. John was very thorough in designing them.

'But, ah, it does sound fun, now that you bring it up. Perhaps my misgivings and prejudices about doing that may have been wrong.... Ah, but let's go somewhere where there's more privacy.'

Chessica nodded. 'Of course, it'd be embarrassing to do it somewhere not private. Your bedroom...'

'Good idea.' John and Chessica hurried off, the latter blushing even more crimson at this point, leaving the rest of the girlbots with raised eyebrows.

Shortly afterwards, unable to contain her curiosity, Macy snuck up to John's bedroom, and slowly, carefully, quietly opened the door, just a crack. Peering inside, she saw John and Chessica sitting in his bed, talking about how they should have done that LONG ago.

...

With a checker board between them. Black (probably John, given how the captured pieces were piled) had won.

'Not the most intellectually stimulating game on Earth, I admit, but it certainly has its charms.'

Chessica nodded. 'So, best two out of three?'

'Certainly!' John began setting up the board again.

Shuddering, Macy closed the door, and returned to the other girlbots to report what she'd seen. She was sure they'd never believe her.

John and Chessica weren't the only ones trying something new and exciting today, of course. We turn now to Jack and Katy, who were in the midst of...

[Tamar]

...having sex. HA! That's right. Bet you thought we were going for another subversion. Well, we're not. Jack and Katy-Ann finally decided to go for it while the going was good. "Be gentle with me, Jack," said Katy-Ann, as she lay back and he began to lick her--


****

Ladies and gentlemen, our apologies for the previous three lines. The narrator has been replaced. We now return you to our program.

Geez, we go through more of those in a year; what kind of incompetents in HR are hiring these--oh, is this thing still on? HEY! LEGGO! I DIDN'T--

****

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pete Kahn Sentence, president of Complete the Sentence Network. On behalf of everyone here, I would like to thank you for your patience and continued patronage of our programming, as we sort out some...personnel and quality control issues. Please be assured that we remain committed to only the highest standards of entertainment in this our narrative. To demonstrate that we do take your input and your concerns into consideration, we would like to introduce a new segment, Complete the Sentence Viewer Mail.

Our first letter comes from Zephaniah Hikikomori of Scranton, Pennsylvania. He writes:

Sir, -- Have Jack and Katy-Ann in fact adopted Eliza Doglittle? I ask only because we see her either at Jack's, or Katy-Ann's, or on the street. I'd hope she isn't a stray, because she's a good doggie and doesn't deserve to end up in the pound. That's why I take in stray dogs myself. I now have, at last count, twenty-two. Sure, they've eaten all my clothes, but as I fear the company of my fellow human beings, this doesn't concern me overmuch. Anyway. Can you assure this caninophile that Eliza is adequately sheltered, fed and otherwise cared for?

Well, Mr. Hikikomori, let me say that...

[Kamino Neko]

...Eliza is, in fact, adopted, but not by Jack and Katy. And, despite the resulting distance between them, DD is actually glad for that - he's had enough trouble convincing Jack and Katy not to get him fixed as is, but with his (equally unfixed) girlfriend in the same house, there'd be NO WAY. She is, in fact, owned by Good Cyndi, although with all the world travel Good Cyndi has been doing lately, she generally spends her time being chihuahuasat by...well, by Jack and Katy-Ann, actually, but since they aren't living together, yet, it's still easy to keep them separated - Katy keeps DD, and Jack Eliza. DD watches the episode of the Simpsons where Homer was supposed to get Santa's Little Helper fixed regularly for tips on avoiding it once Jack and Katy inevitably move in together.

Thank you for your letter, in any case, Mr Hikikomori. And now, back to our story, where Jack and Katy, are, in fact, having their first time. Or, rather, just finished it.

---

Jack leaned back, in the bed, having pulled his pants back on. 'That was...good. That thing you did about halfway through...I wasn't expecting that, but...wow.'

Katy slipped into her top (having put her underwear on while Jack was putting on his pants), and slid back into the bed next to him. 'I...' She turned a bit red. 'I asked Brandi for some tips...' She glanced up at Jack, who'd suddenly turned very red and gotten a vacant, glassy eyed gaze. '... No, Jack, she didn't demonstrate that way.' She shook her head, and chuckled quietly at him.

'Sssh....let me finish the thought before destroying the fantasy.' Jack yelped as she pinched him lightly, then the two of them burst into laughter.

'So do--' Whatever Katy was going to ask Jack, as it turned out, was going to have to wait, as a frantic scratching came at the door.

Katy sighed and went to answer the door, to see DD standing there. (Bet you're surprised about that.)

DD looked up at Katy in her partial state of undress, then craned to see Jack in the bed. 'Blimey. I'm interruptin' somefin' I prob'ly don't wanna see, in't I? I'll come back, later.'

Katy picked him up. 'No, you're not interrupting, DD...and it seemed urgent when you were scratching. What is it?'

'Well, see....

[Alice Macher]

...there's a snake in me li'l 'ouse."

"Yeeks. Well, we'd better call Animal Control, then," said Katy-Ann. "They'll take care of it."

"I got this," said Jack, and picked up the phone on Katy's nighttable. But she laid a hand on his arm to stop him. "What's up?"

"Thought I heard a voice just out front of the house. A girl's voice."

The three of them listened, and sure enough, they heard someone calling, "Seth! Seth! Where are you, boy? ...Damn. Where's that stupid snake? ...Wait, Seth, if you heard that, I'm sorry; you're not stupid... You're a smart snake... Come to mommy..."

So Jack put down the phone and the three of them--well, two of them; DD doesn't wear clothes--got dressed hurriedly and went outside. There was a girl of fourteen, going on fifteen, with short green hair, on the Williams' lawn. "Oh, hey," she said when she saw the couple with their dog. "Sorry to trespass; I'm just trying to track down my snake, Seth. A mongoose fell off a truck and scared him right off my neck, where he's usually coiled. (What a truck with a mongoose would be doing around here, I've no clue.)"

"Try me 'ouse," said DD, pointing to his doghouse.

"Good idea." She got on her knees and poked her head inside. "There you are. Ssss, ssss, it's okay, baby. No one's gonna hurt you. Ssss, ssss. The nasty ol' mongoose is gone. That's it, just wrap yourself 'round mommy's neck. Ssss. That's a good boy." With Seth safely around her neck, she kissed him on the head.

"This is...disturbin'ly arousing," said Jack to DD in an undertone. But not enough of an undertone to escape Katy-Ann, who smacked his arm.

"I'm so sorry about this, Mr.---?" said the girl to DD.

"Diamond Dog's th' name, an' don't worry none. It di'in't bite me or nothin'. Oh, an' these are me mates, Jack an' Katy-Ann. Katy-Ann's th' gel."

"Yeah, never gets old, that one," said Jack, rolling his eyes.

"Hey," said the girl, smiling. "I'm Brooke."

Inside Katy-Ann's head, the gears turned (metaphorically, since she wasn't a cyborg on this Earth). "Brooke...wait, are you Brooke Lynn? Friends, at one point or another, with Lisa, Brandi and Stan?"

"Suuure, 'friends,' let's go with that," said Brooke, blushing. "They friends of yours?"

Jack and Katy-Ann nodded.

"Huh. Small world. So um, I kinda lost touch with them, and well, there was something I kinda was thinking I'd like to talk to Lisa about."

Katy-Ann smiled at her. "Just so you know, she has a serious girlfriend now. Lisa spends almost all her spare time with her."

Brooke blushed deeper still. "Oh! No, I didn't want to, for that reason. It's just...there are things I'm still kinda...confused about, and I thought, if anyone understood, it'd be her."

"I understand," said Katy. "But I'm honestly not sure whether she's in Scotland now, or England, or--"


CRACK...

[Kamino Neko]

...the sound of somebody apparating in predictably came next.

Lisa...wasn't the one who apparated. It wasn't even Luna. It was... ... I actually don't know. A strange man - clearly a wizard, even ignoring the fact that he apparated, due to his clothing - looked around the garden. 'Ah, she's not here.' With a crack, he apparated out again. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of him, but not just now.

For now, Katy cleared her throat. 'Ah, yes.' She shook her head. 'In any case, Lisa's not--'

And another crack came from behind her. She turned to see...