...apply gentle pressure to the mastoid bone behind the ear for eight seconds. Don't ask why; just trust me that it works."
So Aggie did so, and Penny, after eight seconds had passed, snapped out of her shock. "Eugh dead body eugh eugh," she said, burying her face in Aggie's shoulder. "Oh Aggie, what I saw...it was the most gross thing ever..."
Aggie patted Penny on the back and kissed her head. "I know, love, I know. I saw the tail end of it myself. Um, sir, we should probably call the police or someone to have the body taken away."
"No need. Allow me." The principal extended two tendrils and, wrapping them around the corpse, carefully pulled it into hirself while leaving it intact.
"Uh, sir?" said Aggie. "Aren't you concerned you--?"
"Thank you for your concern, Aggie, but the virus doesn't affect fungi. And now I must skid off to deliver this unfortunate woman's body to the nearest morgue."
Penny lifted her head and turned to face hir. "Principal? Before you go--what should we do? The cast and crew, I mean."
"If I were in charge," zie said, "I would, no matter what the cost, relocate this production elsewhere as soon as possible. Although the Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph virus isn't, thank God, as contagious as, say, the common cold or the flu, the exact means of transmission still aren't clearly understood. So best, I think, to be on the safe side and get the Helminthosporium out of here."
"No. Out of the question," said the director, who was, unfortunately...Hilary. "I'm trying my best, I really am, because of a lesson a certain bi--best friend of yours taught me, to be respectful and nice and lalala flowers and cuddlybears to the people I work with." She leaned back against her chair in her Ruin office. "But I'm sorry, Penny, I draw the line at obliging what some...overgrown yeast-blob says and relocating the production."
"Look, Hilary," said Penny, "if it's the money, Aggie and I would be more than willing to help defray the--"
Hilary swept the air in front of her. "It's not the money. It's my directorial vision. I selected the village of Ruin not just because of the film's title, but because this berg has precisely the right atmosphere for this objet d'art."
"Objet d'art? It's a basically plotless buddy comedy." Seeing Hilary bolt forward suddenly, her face darkening, she added, "which can't, of course, help but benefit from your...unique vision, Hil. But funny you should mention atmosphere, because in the atmosphere of Ruin right now are deadly pathogens which could potentially--"
"Penny. You said Principal Armadillo--"
"Whatever. You said it told you the virus isn't contagious like the common cold or flu."
"Well, no, but there's other ways to transmit viruses: contact with sores or cuts, contaminated food or water, um..."
Hilary looked at Penny over her reading glasses. "Sex? Well, there's you and Aggie, and there's Cyndi and Bo, but unless you're planning on partner-swapping--"
"We. Are. Not."
"Okay, okay. I take it back, geez, sit down. No need to report me to the NSA as a person of interest. What I'm getting at, Penny, is that there's almost no cha--aaahaance...excuse me. Didn't slee-heep well last ni-hi-hight." Hilary was opening her mouth in a rapid series of yawns.
Or what at first looked like yawns. But Penny noticed her eyes looked increasingly alarmed, and that as Hilary continued to "yawn," she tried to force her mouth closed, first with one hand, than with two.
Penny got out her phone and started to dial. "Damn it, what's the equivalent of 911 here, I...oh crap."
Hilary unhinged her jaw and ate her head. (Hey, look, whereas even the canonical evil version of Cyndi has fans, no one likes Hilary. So why not.)
Having seen this happen once already, Penny didn't go into shock. She did, however, run out of the office and around the set wild-eyed, urging everyone to "GET THE FUCK OUTTA RUIN NOW NOW NOW NOW BEFORE I KLONK YOU ONE AND DRAG YOU OUT MYSELF." Well, she didn't say that to Aggie, not only because she loved her but because Ag already agreed with the principal's advice.
So without anyone to tell them otherwise, all the cast and crew, once Armillaria had examined them and confirmed them all Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph-free, got on the bus and went to reshoot the film in--no, not sunny, but slightly overcast...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.
Go ask Alice; I think she'll know.