Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Kamino Neko]

...Ruin.

Ruin, of course, being a small, picturesque village just outside Paris.

The plot...was pretty lame, to be honest, so let's just ignore the movie, and go to the juicy backstage dramas.

It all began as the cast and crew (and assorted connected persons, such as Bo and Aggie) arrived in Ruin, to begin location shooting there.

'Beware!' As the cast climbed off the bus they'd been travelling on for the last several hours, a strange woman (presumably French, though she spoke flawless English with an Eastern European accent) approached them. 'Beware! Beware!'

'Can you say anything but "beware", you strange woman?' Penny peered at her.

'Of course, I can, you rude American. Didn't you hear the narrator say my English was flawless?'

'Didn't I...what?' Penny scratched her head, then hurried on. 'Ugh, I don't have time for this...'

'Do you have time for DEATH???' The strange woman followed her.

'No.'

'Well, that's OK, then, because that's not what you have to beware.'

'...' Penny stopped and peered at her. 'Is your name Winklemeyer, by any chance?'

'No.' The strange woman blinked at her.

'Never mind, then. You just reminded me of somebody I know.' Penny sighed. 'Whatever, if I'm not going to get rid of you any other way, I'll ask what you want me to beware.'

'BEWA--'

'Yes, I got the point, just get on with it.'

'If you're not careful, you will....

[Alice Macher]

...fall prey to the Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph virus, found--so far--only in this village."

Penny raised an eyebrow. "And the virus is called that unpronounceable name why, exactly?"

"Because," said the woman, sweeping her hands away from each other above her head, "that is the sound that sufferers of the disease make when they...eat their own head without removing it from their neck."

"As opposed to eating their head after having removed it from their neck, I suppose," said Penny dryly.

"Well yes, of course. Because once your head is removed from your neck you're dead and you can't eat anything. Are you simple?"

"No, but you're thirty-onederful flavours of nuts. Be seeing you." Penny turned to catch up with Aggie ahead of her, but the woman laid a chicken-foot-like hand on her shoulder.

"Nuts, am I? Seeing me, will you be?"

"Well, yeah. Either you're nuts, or you're deliberately lying in order to spook the 'simple' American visitor. Now if you'll--"

"Lying, am I? Spook, is it? If, do I? If I were lying, would I be doing this? Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph..."

Penny stood rooted to the spot as the woman unhinged her jaw wide and, somehow, some way, devoured her own head. From the outside in. Bite by bite. Leaving behind, in the end, nothing but a hole in the neck, and causing the lifeless body to collapse on the dirt path.

"Penny?" Aggie, several yards ahead and carrying her bags, stopped and turned around. "What's keeping y--OH MY GOD."

Unable to snap Penny out of her open-mouthed catatonia, Aggie gathered her resolve and--after telling Good Cyndi and the others she'd catch up with them later and please for the love of everything don't turn around, just keep walking--called the one person she knew would be best equipped to help...

[Kamino Neko]

...and, oddly enough, that wasn't Lisa.

Nope, it was Principal Armillaria. The fungus is a freakin' genius. Luckily, zie happened to be visiting Ruin hirself ('looking for truffles' was hir explanation. Given hir fungal nature, Aggie decided not to probe for details, for fear of images she'd never be able to rid herself of).

'So, Principal Armillaria, what do you think?' Aggie tended to Penny while Principal Armillaria looked at the corpse.

'Well, the bad news is, this poor woman definitely had Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph virus.' Zie wheeled over toward Penny and peered into her eyes. 'But the good news is, Penny doesn't. She was just justifiably shocked by what she saw.'

'So, what can we do for her?' Aggie squeezed Penny's hand.

'Nothing, my dear girl. She's dead. Ate her own head.' Armillaria shook hir cap. 'I would have thought you could recognize that, being a top student and a--'

'I mean Penny, Principal.'

'Oh!' Principal Armillaria stroked the underside of hir cap with a tentacle. 'Well, one thing that's always worked for me when I encounter something like this is to...

[Tamar]

...apply gentle pressure to the mastoid bone behind the ear for eight seconds. Don't ask why; just trust me that it works."

So Aggie did so, and Penny, after eight seconds had passed, snapped out of her shock. "Eugh dead body eugh eugh," she said, burying her face in Aggie's shoulder. "Oh Aggie, what I saw...it was the most gross thing ever..."

Aggie patted Penny on the back and kissed her head. "I know, love, I know. I saw the tail end of it myself. Um, sir, we should probably call the police or someone to have the body taken away."

"No need. Allow me." The principal extended two tendrils and, wrapping them around the corpse, carefully pulled it into hirself while leaving it intact.

"Uh, sir?" said Aggie. "Aren't you concerned you--?"

"Thank you for your concern, Aggie, but the virus doesn't affect fungi. And now I must skid off to deliver this unfortunate woman's body to the nearest morgue."

Penny lifted her head and turned to face hir. "Principal? Before you go--what should we do? The cast and crew, I mean."

"If I were in charge," zie said, "I would, no matter what the cost, relocate this production elsewhere as soon as possible. Although the Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph virus isn't, thank God, as contagious as, say, the common cold or the flu, the exact means of transmission still aren't clearly understood. So best, I think, to be on the safe side and get the Helminthosporium out of here."


"No. Out of the question," said the director, who was, unfortunately...Hilary. "I'm trying my best, I really am, because of a lesson a certain bi--best friend of yours taught me, to be respectful and nice and lalala flowers and cuddlybears to the people I work with." She leaned back against her chair in her Ruin office. "But I'm sorry, Penny, I draw the line at obliging what some...overgrown yeast-blob says and relocating the production."

"Look, Hilary," said Penny, "if it's the money, Aggie and I would be more than willing to help defray the--"

Hilary swept the air in front of her. "It's not the money. It's my directorial vision. I selected the village of Ruin not just because of the film's title, but because this berg has precisely the right atmosphere for this objet d'art."

"Objet d'art? It's a basically plotless buddy comedy." Seeing Hilary bolt forward suddenly, her face darkening, she added, "which can't, of course, help but benefit from your...unique vision, Hil. But funny you should mention atmosphere, because in the atmosphere of Ruin right now are deadly pathogens which could potentially--"

"Penny. You said Principal Armadillo--"

"Armillaria."

"Whatever. You said it told you the virus isn't contagious like the common cold or flu."

"Well, no, but there's other ways to transmit viruses: contact with sores or cuts, contaminated food or water, um..."

Hilary looked at Penny over her reading glasses. "Sex? Well, there's you and Aggie, and there's Cyndi and Bo, but unless you're planning on partner-swapping--"

"We. Are. Not."

"Okay, okay. I take it back, geez, sit down. No need to report me to the NSA as a person of interest. What I'm getting at, Penny, is that there's almost no cha--aaahaance...excuse me. Didn't slee-heep well last ni-hi-hight." Hilary was opening her mouth in a rapid series of yawns.

Or what at first looked like yawns. But Penny noticed her eyes looked increasingly alarmed, and that as Hilary continued to "yawn," she tried to force her mouth closed, first with one hand, than with two.

Penny got out her phone and started to dial. "Damn it, what's the equivalent of 911 here, I...oh crap."

Hilary unhinged her jaw and ate her head. (Hey, look, whereas even the canonical evil version of Cyndi has fans, no one likes Hilary. So why not.)

Having seen this happen once already, Penny didn't go into shock. She did, however, run out of the office and around the set wild-eyed, urging everyone to "GET THE FUCK OUTTA RUIN NOW NOW NOW NOW BEFORE I KLONK YOU ONE AND DRAG YOU OUT MYSELF." Well, she didn't say that to Aggie, not only because she loved her but because Ag already agreed with the principal's advice.


So without anyone to tell them otherwise, all the cast and crew, once Armillaria had examined them and confirmed them all Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph-free, got on the bus and went to reshoot the film in--no, not sunny, but slightly overcast...

[Kamino Neko]

...Southern Transylvania. (Which, oddly enough, is not in Romania, nor even, for that matter, south of Transylvania, but, rather, in northern France, just east of Brittany. The reason for the name is an interesting bit of history, but, fascinating though it is, rather beyond the scope of this story, so, I'm afraid I can't tell you.)

Despite being in northern France, Southern Transylvania is more like what most people picture Transylvania like than Transylvania. (There are some who believe that it, rather than the real Transylvania, is really responsible for the image of Transylvania, but that argument is, again, beyond the scope of this story.)

'This place is damn creepy.' Penny looked around, then jumped as her line was punctuated by a thunder clap. (Without associated lightning, just to make it creepier.)

'Oh, I don't know...' Aggie watched a bat go by. 'I think it's scenic, and certainly has more than its share of rare species.'

'Rare species of bats. That's creepy.' Another thunder clap. This one had a lightning strike, though, which was timed just right to cast a gigantic shadow of a bat on the pair of them. 'Uuugh, see?' More thunder. 'Oh, now, cut that out!' A thunder clap seemed to start, then abruptly cut off when Penny glared at the window.

'Come on, Penny, let's go for a walk...it'll calm your nerves.' Aggie took Penny's hand and tugged her toward the door of their hotel room.

'I don't want to be bit by a vampire, Aggie.' Penny tensed waiting for a thunder clap that didn't come, then let out a breath.

'Penny, vampires aren't that dangerous.' Aggie shrugged. 'Besides, even if they are, it might be a sparkly one. You like those books right?'

'Oh, come on, let's go...' Penny headed for the door. 'And it's not because you mentioned sparkly vampires. I'm just tired of looking at these walls. Some different creepy scenery might make things more bearable.'

She opened the door, and let out a scream as she saw...

...

... Lisa.

'Gee, thanks Penny Dreadful, it's a joy to see you, too.'

Penny sighed. 'What are you doing here, Lisa?' She mumbled to herself. 'Jeez, think I might have preferred Dracula...'

'Well, when I heard you were in the area, I just had to stop by. If you mean why I'm at your room. But if you mean why am I in Southern Transylvania, then I was just...

[Alice Macher]

...visiting the grave of Littoria Altus."

"Who--oh, yeah, your ancestor," said Aggie. "I thought she was German, though."

"Well, back when she lived, neither 'France' nor 'Germany' existed as separate countries from each other yet, at least not as we know them. It was the whole post-Charlemagne thing. Maybe that's why she's mostly known by her Latin name. Holy Roman Empire and all that."

"What was her...non-Latin name?"

"Elisheva bat Liesl was her Hebrew/Yiddish name. It's the name I used to contact her at the gravesite."

"You...raised the dead?" said Penny, sputtering. "Isn't that, like, black magic?"

"Totes. Bad mojo, mon. Which is why I didn't do that. I don't think, after like a thousand years, it'd even be possible. What would I be raising up, a decomposing skeleton? Yukkers."

"Okay, okay," said Penny, blushing. "I'm sorry. So what do you mean by 'contacting' her?"

"Well, while raising (or trying to raise) a dead body is black magic, talking to the dead dudette's soul isn't. Or, again, trying to. What you're doing, with a spell or ritual like that, is basically making a telephone call to the Afterlife, but you can't make the soul talk to you. It's up to her."

Aggie, remembering her recent chat with Melody, leaned forward eagerly. "So, did Elisheva--Littoria--whoever, talk to you?"

"Yeah. Real nice lady. Made me proud to be her descendant. If, y'know, I already weren't."

"Heh," said Penny. "So what'd you talk about? Comparative methods in annoying people, 1000-2011?"

"Hurr hurr, smartass. There was in fact something specific I needed to find out from Littoria, and that was...

[Kamino Neko]

...where she hid the gold.'

The other girls laughed until they glanced over at Lisa, who looked...confused, and a bit annoyed.

'...Not a joke. Srsly.'

'Hidden gold? It's like something out of a really, really stupid movie.' Penny shook her head.

'No, look, see, it's like this...' Lisa sat down on their bed. 'I found this out when I was researching for my role in the Hogwarts reenactment--'

'Didn't you say you were playing a...uh...a chompythingie?' Penny waved a hand.

'Yes. That doesn't mean I shouldn't research the conflict, does it?' Lisa stuck out her tongue at Penny, then continued. 'Old great-to-the-too-many-powers-Granny Littoria had a small box full of enchanted gold jewelry - rings 'n' stuff...mostly rings - but when she got into the war...well, less a war than a glorified snit...but anyway, when she got into it with Thor Sólblómi, she hid it. And after the snit, she never bothered taking it out of hiding, so it was still hidden when she passed on. And now I want to find it.'

'Why?'

'Because I don't want to worry about all those powerful rings falling into the wrong hands.' She looked at the blank, unbelieving faces of the other two. 'And one of them was really pretty and I thought it'd make a good gift for Luna.'

Aggie smiled at the sweetness, while Penny smirked at the fact they managed to get Lisa to admit her true reasons.

'But, the rings totes shouldn't be allowed to fall into the wrong hands, either.'

'Like yours?' Penny smiled way too sweetly.

'Hush.' Aggie patted her hand. 'What kinds of powers do the rings have?'

'Well, they're pretty cool, on the whole. Like the one that...

[Tamar]

...lets you walk into, through and out of Faerie unharmed. (Unless you do something really blatantly stupid, like make a dirty pun on Titania's name to her face.) Or the ring that enables the wearer to shape-shift into any animal, mundane or fantastic. (See, I can, as you know, change into a coyote just by willing it, but other kinds of transformations could be useful too.) Or the ring that cures bizarre epidemics. Or the one that allows the wearer to speak with trees, rocks, rivers, clouds and--"

"Hold on." Penny put her hand on Lisa's arm. "Run the second-last ring by me again?"

"Which, the one that cures bizarre epidemics?"

"Yeah. We need to find that box o' rings ASAP, because..." Penny took a deep breath and told Lisa what she'd seen in Ruin.

"Yikes," said Lisa. "Those poor, head-chompy townsfolk. Even Hilary, with all we saw of her crap on TV, didn't deserve that. You're right, Pen; using that ring is our first priority. And now that Great...Ancestrix Littoria has told me where to find her stash: let's find her stash!"

And where had Littoria hidden her gold jewelry stash? It was hidden in the specific location known as...

[Kamino Neko]

...the Lost Room of the Lost Palace of the Lost Lady.

Which, oddly enough, nobody knew how to find. Even Littoria (now we know why she never retrieved the box).

However, she was able to give Lisa a clue that she was never able to work out herself.

'East of West, below the ground over the clouds, and where the dry river floods. ... I have no idea what that means, and this is, you know, ME talking.' Lisa shrugged.

'Can definitely see the family resemblance...' Penny pondered the clue.

'Oh!' Aggie raised her hand. 'Maybe...

[Alice Macher]

...it means..."

Note: Unfortunately, due to unanticipated tachyon interference, the bit where they figure out the riddle's meaning has been lost. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Suffice it to say that the three girls did manage to find Littoria's jewelry box, where they found the magic rings (with their respective uses conveniently engraved on them in Latin). As agreed, they headed straight for Ruin with the "bizarre epidemic curing" ring. But not by land, because of course they didn't want to risk infection and bizarre death by head-self-eating (self-head-eating? whatever). Instead, they rented a helicopter (that part of France being somewhat lax about license enforcement), attached the ring securely to one end of a long spool of cable, and lowered it down into the centre of the village.

At that moment, in that place, a street urchin of ten was seconds away from chewing up his own wee head, when waves of light emanated from the ring. He re-hinged his jaw and said...

[Kamino Neko]

...something in French, which, roughly translated, meant 'Zut alors! My head, she is uneaten! I must go spread the word of...' He stopped when he saw the ring (which he immediately recognized as his saviour). '... Forget it, nobody would believe it.'

After doing a half dozen complete circuits of Ruin, and being completely sure they they'd wiped out all the Mg...thingie virus, they reeled in the ring and landed nearby.

'So, that cured it?' Penny peered at the village.

''Less the ring lied.' Lisa shrugged. 'The last 3 passes were just to be extra, extra, extra sure.'

Penny grinned. 'Cool. Maybe we can leave spookytown and come back here, now that it's not full of self...head...eating...'

'Autocephalophagy.' Lisa dropped the ring into the box.

'Wha...?'

'Autocephalophagy. Eating one's own head. In scienterrific Greek.'

Penny blinked and looked at Aggie. 'So, what do you think? Now that there's no self-head-eating happening, will we get to film in Ruin again?'

'I don't know.' Aggie shrugged. 'Guess it depends who the new director is.'

'Hmm. Well, let's find out who that is, and ask them.' So, returning to South Transylvania, they asked about the new director.

That new director was...

[Tamar]

...Woody Allen.

Good Cyndi had in fact asked Meighan, the producer, if they could get Stan, because not only did her debut movie do unexpectedly well under his direction, but after his reform, she found she actually liked working with him too. She was, however, reluctant to broach the subject with Penny and had been putting it off. So when she learned that Stan graciously declined the offer because he was too busy running his chain of food banks and oh yeah going to school, she figured it was just as well for the sake of peace with her co-star.

"H-hi, folks," said Allen to the cast, while gesticulating wildly with his hands, on the first day of shooting, which was, yes, back in Ruin once Principal Armillaria had vetted the village as 100% Mgwuhkuhbihgrmmph-free. "I'm real excited to be working with all of you, because this is the first time I've worked with an all-teenage main cast, and I, I think it's been long enough now that the stigma of the whole Soon-Yi thing is past, not that that should matter, of course, because she was twenty-one when we first started dating. It reminds me of an old joke I heard growing up in Manhattan, y'see, there's this kosher butcher who--I'm paraphrasing--finds a talking goldfish in..."

Eventually, Allen got around to actual directing. "Okay, so Penny, Cyndi, this is the scene where you unexpectedly find yourselves in the Arab Quarter after having fallen into a truck full of black hats, black coats, and adhesive beards and earlocks. So as you climb out, and the crowd--that's you guys here--gathers around to boggle, you Penny, turn to Cyndi and say your next line, which is...

[Kamino Neko]

...'I wonder if there's somewhere to get a good bagel in this town...'

'Um, Mister Allen? Sir?' Penny raised her hand.

'Yes, Penny?'

'Isn't this taking a rather sudden and striking...ah...New York Jewish turn? ... Ah!' She waved her hands in front of herself. 'Not that there's anything wrong with being a New York Jew. Or a New Yorker that's not Jewish. Or a Jew who's not from New York. Or...help!'

Aggie patted Penny's shoulder and stepped up. 'I think what she's saying is, this movie was, up to now, not quite so...demographically specific.'

'This is true. But, and this is just my opinion, of course, but I feel that...bringing me in on this film implies that the producers want that kind of thing.'

Aggie shrugged. 'He's got a point, Pen.'

'I suppose so. Oh, well, time to learn some Yiddish, I guess.'

So, she bought an English-to-Yiddish dictionary, and decided to use it to suck up to Woody, to try to get herself a bigger part.

She wasn't sure why he chased her out of his trailer with a threat to fire her if she ever said such a thing to him again. 'All I said to him,' she sighed, leaning on Aggie's shoulder, 'was "Mr Allen, you are a meshuggeh putz", and he flipped his lid! Is it because of the Soon-Yi thing again, like he thought I was hitting on him or something?'

'Uh, Pen?' Aggie raised an eyebrow at her. 'Why would you call him that?'

'Well, I thought complimenting him would get me a bigger role!'

'Complimenting him.'

'Yes.'

'By calling him a meshuggeh pu...uh...thingie.'

'Yes. What guy doesn't like being called a handsome genius?'

Aggie blinked at her. 'Let me see your dictionary.' She looked it over. 'Penny, every other book listed from this publisher is a Hungarian-to-English phrasebook...that should have been a clue it wasn't a good choice.' She shook her head. 'And what you said means crazy...uh. Uhm....' She leaned in and whispered in Penny's ear.

'Oops.' Penny made a face, then blinked. 'You know Yiddish?'

Aggie shrugged. 'A bit. Daddy really, really likes Mel Brooks movies, so I picked some up...' Aggie snorted. 'Mostly dirty stuff, so I couldn't tell you what to say to suck up, but I can steer you away from stuff like what you said.'

'OK, from now on you're my Yiddish coach.'

'But I told you, I only know dirty words...which you know I don't like saying...'

'OK, good point. I'll ask Lisa!' She paused. 'Oh, God, what has become of me?' But, misgivings aside, she did ask Lisa. (Who was still in France, questing for truffles with Principal Armillaria. Aggie still wasn't probing for details.)

So, after some coaching from Lisa (who mostly repeated long rambling stories her grandfather had told her), she went to the set. After apologising to Woody, profusely, and giving him puppydog eyes until he relented, they began filming, and Penny, still trying to get the spotlight, adlibbed a monologue in mixed Yiddish and English about...

[Alice Macher]

...her wanting to help her (hypothetical) uncle shtup her (hypothetical) aunt's knish.

Vocabulary and syntax-wise, Penny had said nothing wrong. Shtupen means "to stuff," and a knish is a baked or fried dumpling filled with meat and/or potato. However, there are certain slang meanings, for both words, not found in the standard dictionaries. That fact, combined with the "uncle and aunt" context and Penny's repeated use of words like "hot" and "tight," caused Allen, as well as the crew members who knew Yiddish, to blush beet-red.

"What," said Penny. "What'd I say this time?"

"Penny..." said Aggie, who'd hurriedly texted Lisa for an explanation. She whispered in her ear.

"Oh. My God," said Penny. "I, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Um...Mr. Allen? Woody? Like, shalom? Say something? Please?"

Before she knew it, Allen, as well as the aforementioned crew members, were rolling on the floor, clutching their sides, tears streaming down their faces as they laughed so hard they didn't make a sound.

"Okay," said Allen once he'd gotten back on his feet. "That's going in the script. Well done, my Gentile friend."


As it turned out, most of the humour in Road to Ruin came from Penny's innocent-but-not-so-much Yiddish. So when Allen screened the film for Hollywood insiders (who were either Jewish or "might as well be, since they'd been in Hollywood so long"), Penny soon found herself in demand as a comedy writer for the Catskills, Jewish radio programs, Jewish seniors' homes, and such.

"Gah!" she said to Aggie back home. "I'm not even Jewish." She clawed at her hair. "What'm I gonna do? Even Lisa, by her own admission, isn't 'that' Jewish. Nor Jack. Nor Stan. WhatdoIdowhatdoIDO?"

"Well, first of all," said Aggie, "you can ease up your grip on my shoulders juuuust a little, since I'm not in Tae Kwon Do Me or Krave Muffa 'defence' mode right now...Thanks, Fiddler-Made-A-Goof. Second, I think we should get Lisa--"

"But I just said--"

"Let me finish, Pen. We should get Lisa to help us dream-consult Jack's...

[Kamino Neko]

...Great-uncle Herschel Kerchberger, or, as he was usually known professionally, Harry Kay, who's act was--'

'I'm lost. Dream what? Great whatsit?'

'Oh, right.' Aggie shrugged. 'You don't talk to Lisa as much, so you never heard that story. Anyway, Lisa had a conversation with one of Jack's dead ancestors (which was kind of a long story, but...). Ah, not Great-uncle Herschel, though, but his father, Rabbi Yankev, who--'

'OK, if I want to hear the story, I'll just ask Lisa. Why do you think we should do this with Jack's uncle Harry?'

'Uncle Hersch...he only went by Harry on sta--'

'Not the point, Aggie.'

'Right. Anyway. OK, Uncle Hersch was a great vaudeville comedian, whose act was...well, doing deliberately what you did accidentally. So, I was thinking we could contact him, and he could give you some tips. Or maybe decide to hang around on this plane of existence and...ah...ghost write for you.' Aggie giggled a bit too hard at her own joke.

'That's a great idea, Ags. Just one question.'

'Yeah?'

'How the heck do you know so much about Jack's family history?'

'Oh, well, you see....