Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Alice Macher]

...need the golem you ladies made.>"

Sister Elisabetta reached into her robe and pulled out a test tube of grey powder. "<Just add a couple or so drops water. It's all ready, once rehydrated, to come to life and--as this is a most special sort of golem--not only mimic infantile behaviour, but also grow at the normal human rate and appear to learn. So Mama Evil Cyndi shouldn't suspect a thing. Of course, being only an automaton, the 'child' won't turn out especially brilliant, but by then it'll be too late for the mother to do much about it.">

"<Thanks, sis,>" said Lisa to the eye-rolling woman. She stored the test tube securely in her utility belt, then turned to speak to Luna in English. "Did you bring your invisibility cloak home with you on vacation?" Luna nodded. "Great. Let's bring that with. We'll also disguise ourselves as Angels of Mercy nurses, just in case."

As Luna went to fetch the cloak, Lisa said to Elisabetta, "<So once we're outta the hospital with li'l Trixie, what do we do with her?>"

"<Bring her at once to the Order's world headquarters in Ghibli Hills. We shall raise her, with love and care, to be your successor when you retire from active crimefighting duty. Also, heh, 'Trixie.' I like that. Very apropos. That's her name now.>"

"<Glad you like it. What about her SPI/magical title? If I may suggest...what d'you think of Thunderbolt Trickster II: Trick Harder?>"

"<...Why not simply Thunderbolt Trickster? You won't be using the title anymore. Also: not a movie sequel.>"

Lisa shrugged. "<Worth a shot. Ah, here's Luna with the invisibility cloak.> --Thanks, Sightfair Moon." She and Luna walked outside with Sister Elisabetta so Luna could lock up behind her. "<Well, sister, if there's nothing else, I guess we'll be off. Wish us luck.>" She took Luna's arm.

"<God be with you, Lisa. Luna. My sisters eagerly await you in Ghibli Hills.>"


With a crack, Lisa and Luna, wearing the invisibility cloak (which also helped muffle the sound), apparated in Angels of Mercy Hospital. Carefully peering out, they noted the appearance of the nurses' uniforms and, under the cloak, magically assumed them. Heading to the maternity ward, they realized they didn't have one of those I.D.-swipey-things. So they...

[Kamino Neko]

...magic-zapped the lock, which had 'open' as a failure mode, and walked on through liked they owned the place. ... Well, OK, not like the owned the place, since that would involve asking for the rent money, but you know what I mean.

All was going well, and they soon found Trixie. But, as neither Lisa nor Luna is named Mary Sue, it couldn't go too well. Just as Lisa reached for the kid, and Luna pulled out the Instant Golem, they heard an 'A-HEM!' behind them.

Turning, they saw...

[Tamar]

...a security guard with a gun trained on them.

"'A-hem?'" said Lisa. "Don't law enforcement people generally go 'FREEZE!' in this kinda situation?"

"I...didn't wanna make the babies cry," said the guard with a sheepish look. "Now c'mon, hands on your--heyyy, I know you. You're the Thunderbolt Trickster. 'Totes,' right? My son Jimmy's a big fan."

Lisa smirked. Worst. Maternity ward. Security. EVAR, she thought. "Yes, I'm the Thunderbolt Trickster. This is my girlfriend, Luna Lovegood. She's a witch. A good one. Like me, y'know?"

Luna nodded energetically.

"Well, hell," said the security dude, scratching his head. "What're you two doin' snoopin' 'round here?"

"'K, I'll tell you," said Lisa, "but first: it's a SRSLY bad idea to scratch your head with a loaded gun. I mean, geez."

"D'oh! Y'know, why don't I just put this piece away while I'm at it. Okay, go ahead."

So Lisa told him the whole story, taking time to explain any big words. Meanwhile, Luna hydrated the golem and delicately made the switch. She grinned as Trixie instinctually grabbed her finger with her tiny hand.

"Well, guess that's all in order, then," said the guard. He pulled out his phone. "Now, I'll just need you two pretty ladies to stay here for a bit while I write up an incident report."

"Er...we kinda need you to keep this a secret," said Lisa. "If this gets out, not only will I have lots of explaining to do to the LEOs I gotta work with, not only could Luna get expelled from Hogwarts for unauthorized magic use, but if this got back to Evil Cyndi somehow...eesh."

The guard folded his arms. "Gee, I'm real sorry, Ms. Winkle...whatever, but rules is rules, so even though I'm not turning you in, I still gotta report this."

"Yeah, I figured you'd say that." She looked at Luna. "On three?"

"Sure," said Luna, understanding intuitively what her partner meant. "On three. One, two, three."

The girls, concentrating, made a carefully synchronized gesture while uttering the ancient Greek for "Lights out." The guard slid to the floor, insensate, with an even dopier smile than usual.

"Nothing like a good ol' Knockout/Memory Charm combo," said Lisa.

"Indeed," said Luna. "A tricky one, though, because it needs two people in perfect synch to do it right."

"That's us, baby! And speaking of tricks and babies, you got Trixie with you?"

Luna nodded. "She's sooo adorable, too. Look how her face muscles scrunch up just like the rare Muscle-Scrunching--"

"Yeah yeah. You can tell me all about it once we've safely apparated in the Ghibli Hills convent."

She took Luna's free hand, and the two of them apparated in the magical land of Ghibli Hills, where...

[Kamino Neko]

...wild Totoros roamed the peaceful forest, and children (there were a LOT of children) could play, and train, in peace.

'Nice place...' Lisa looked around. 'Wonder if they take adults?' She paused. 'Wonder if I count as an adult.'

'Certainly we do...' One of the members of the Order - an older woman, dressed in rather more elaborate robes than the ordinary sisters - approached Lisa and Luna. 'If you are willing to take the vows and live a life of chastity while looking after the next generation.'

'... OK, scratch that idea, then...' Lisa made a face, then smiled. 'Hi, I'm...'

'I know who you are, Trickster, and your friend.' The older woman smiled. 'I'm the Mother Superior of Ghibli Hills.'

'Nice to meet you, Mama S.' Lisa grinned, and held out the child. 'And say hi to Trixie.'

The Mother Superior peered at Lisa for a moment, then took the child. 'Yes, thank you.' She looked the child over. 'Hmm. Oh, dear...'

Lisa and Luna looked at each other. 'What is it?'

'The child is...

[Alice Macher]

...making a most disturbing face. Perhaps she has more of her mother than is--"

"Let me see," said Lisa. "Oh. That's just the ಠ_ಠ face, also known as the 'look of disapproval.' Nothing evil, I assure you. I've made that face lots of times myself, whether over the school cafeteria food, or when I see bullies using spindly nerds as a tetherball pole (and even spindlier ones as the rope), that sort of thing. So there's probably something Trix is displeased with. Mmm...no offence, Mother Superior, but if you're gonna hold her that close you may want one of these." She handed her a breath-freshening strip.

"Er...thank you, yes," said the elder, popping it in her mouth and letting it dissolve. "But to be making such a specific expression, in response to a stimulus, when she's, what, less than two days old?"

Lisa shrugged. "That just means she's really smart. Aren't you, Trixie? Aren't you? Yes you are." Gently, she took the baby into her arms and lifted her up and down. "Who's a little trickster? Eh? Who's a little trickster?" Trixie opened her eyes and smiled at Lisa, then made a happy coo that sounded like "LOL."

"Remarkable," said the Mother Superior, smiling as Lisa "danced" around with the baby. She turned to Luna. "Ms. Lovegood, do you think your...companion might be interested in a nanny position here at Ghibli Hills?"

Luna tousled a lock of her hair. "Oh my. I'm sure, Mother Superior, she'd be flattered, but she has to finish high school, and then after that, her WUSSUP school opens for its first class of students, remember. As for me, I couldn't work here either, because--"

"Mm, yes, yes," said the elder with a wave.

Luna was mildly put out at this, but wisely said nothing. Then she touched her chin with her index finger. "There's someone else I know, however, who'd be ideal. Young, good with children, knows magic, enjoys doing good works. By which I mean: Lisa's cousin, Sabina Ritualman of Expydale, USA. She and her Muggle boyfriend Herge will both be graduating high school a semester early, and have been talking about how they'd like to spend some time working overseas, somewhere they could bring her cat familiar, Endor."

"Well. That sounds promising indeed, Ms. Lovegood. I'd like to meet this cousin of Ms. Winklemeyer."


And so would you, dear reader, I'll bet. So come with me to Expydale, just a couple hours' drive west of Belleville, where we see the lovely off-white-haired Sabina in the process of figuring out how to...

[Kamino Neko]

...break it to Herge that she just didn't want to date a time travelling cartoonist.

'Herg, you have bigger things waiting for you back in your own time.' She shrugged. 'And besides, your casual racism is creeping people out. No, that's no good.' She sighed. 'Oh, why'd I have to cast that author calling spell on Tintin Goes to Hyperborea* instead of Jane Airhead like I meant to? And why'd he have to be so damned cute?'

She was saved (for the time being) from her ruminations on the topic by the arrival of... ... no, not Lisa and Luna, and not the Mother Superior, either...they haven't had time to come for her, yet. No, the person who arrived was...

* nb, in the timeline created by Herge's time travelling, this book never got written, replaced by Tintin in the Land of Oz. ... No, we didn't get that one either.

[Tamar]

...the Mysterious Masked Academy Avenger.

"Greetings!" she said, narrowly managing to avoid tripping over the welcome mat as she hopped onto the doorstep. "I, the Mysterious Masked Academy Avenger, am Tif--IIII mean, am the...MMAA. Yeah."

Sabina squinted. "Can I...help you?"

The MMAA struck a pose with hands on hips. "Aha! Oho! That...is why I am here, Sabina Ritualman. You see, at Artemis Academy, there lurks the menace known as Faith Abbott, an evil mind-controlling esper in the guise of a popular, bicurious student council president. She must be stopped--for Justice!"

"Uh--yah, okay, why is this my problem? I don't go to Artemis. My cousin warned me about that place."

"This is your burden, Sabina Ritualman, for two reasons: one, the school's resident champion of justice, Tiffany Winters, no longer attends Arte--"

"Tiffany Winters? The so-called 'vampire slayer?'" Sabina curled her lip. "Euch, she's worse than useless as a champion of anything. Like, there was the time she managed to impale herself with an astral sword, only she thought--"

"LIES! IT WAS THAT STUPID MIRROR-VAMPIRE WHO TIED MY HER SHOES TOGETH--"

Sabina yawned and made a "hurry up" gesture.

"...uh, yes. The second reason is that Faith Abbott may, at present, only be evilly controlling minds at Artemis. But! That's What She'll Do to the World.™ If she isn't stopped now, that is."

Sabina's eyes widened. "That's What She'll Do to the World?™ Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" She scooped up her cat familiar. "Come, Endor. We leave for Artemis Academy at once."

"But Sabina," said Endor, "don't you have a bio mid-term tomorrow?"

"Eh, I'll get Herge to handle it with his time-travel mojo."

Endor scrunched his nose. "But I thought you were gonna break up with--"

"ENOUGH! We leave for Artemis Academy. Magic spirits, hear what I say, bring me my broom without delay. --Oooof! A bit more slowly next time, kthx? Ow ow sitting down's gonna hurt later ow..."


Later that day, at Artemis, Faith Abbott was teasingly pulling at Pink--ooops, I mean Rosie's garters in the girls' locker room, when in burst Sabina with a...

[Kamino Neko]

...rubber chicken.

... Who writes this stuff? ...

Ah, anyway, there was a method to her madness...

'Here.' She handed the rubber chicken to Rosie, who squealed.

'Oh, wow, a 1998 Acme Vulcanized Bantam...' She squeezed the chicken's neck (no, we will NOT be making that joke), it let out a little squawk noise. 'With a squeaker-squawker! The only 90s chicken missing from my collection!'

'It's yours.' Sabina smiled to Rosie who squealed again and bounced off. (Yes, she bounced in more ways than one, you can't miss that.) 'So. Faith Abbott, is it?'

'And you are?' Faith looked at Sabina, with a sigh.

'Not important!'

'No kidding, but I want your name.' Faith smirked.

'...' Sabina's mouth opened, but no sound came out. 'Look, forget it, I'm a friend of a friend. ... Or of an enemy. I really should have asked just what the relationship was. Whatever. Anyway! Faith Abbott, I am here to...

[Alice Macher]

...challenge you to a mind-control duel." She slapped her face with a glove.

"O-o-o-kaay. Are you an esper?"

"I...have my resources," said Sabina.

"A'ight. Since I'm assuming this isn't to the death, because, y'know, wrong genre (wait, what?!--never mind), what are the stakes?"

"If I win, you must henceforth use your esper powers only for altruistic purposes, as set out in Alton's Manual of Altruistic Mind Control, 5th rev. ed."

Faith smiled. "Since you will lose, fine. I agree. If I win--and by 'if' I mean 'when'--you must swear fealty to me as my new flunkey. I'm getting real tired of Sandi. So clingy. Eugh."

"I know, right?" said Sabina. "I've seen her. She's totes so pathetically in love with you it's disgusting. Gro-o-oss." She stuck her index finger in her mouth, prompting a giggle from Faith.

"Seriously, girlfriend. And that Herge of yours? Can you say...'lapdog?'"

"I know! And...um...sorry, what were we talking about again?"

Faith thought for a moment, then snapped her fingers. "The duel. Right, right. So, we'd better choose seconds. Mine will be...*sigh* Sandi."

"And mine," said Sabina, "will be Endor here."

"Your familiar?"

Endor peeked out of his carrier and waved. "Hiya."

"Fine, fine. Now, date and time...tomorrow, 7:15 A.M., on the athletic field. Okay?"

"Okay."


So the next morning...Little Rabbit Foo-Foo, running through the--sorry, sorry. Won't happen again.

The next morning, the duellers, accompanied by their seconds, took the field and faced each other.

"On three," said Endor. "One, two, three."

Faith and Sabina focused their minds on each other, the former with her esper powers, the latter with her pre-cast Mindpass spell on herself.

It was a powerful spell indeed, and one Sabina had practiced many times. So they were deadlocked.

Eventually, however, Sabina felt an itch on her upper lip. But she dared not scratch it, or she'd break her concentration. So instead, she cast the itch onto Faith.

Clever bitch, thought Faith, and cast it back to Sabina, only relocated to her...nether region.

Goddess damn it, she fights dirty, thought Sabina, and cast it back to Faith, with...a mental image of naked Ash attached.

Ahhhhr, thought Faith, she's better'n I thought at this. Then she cast...

[Kamino Neko]

...nothing!

She had a better idea. Oh, such a wonderful, horrible idea it was. Such a shock it would be to Sabina. Yes, it would take her by surprise, and Faith would win, then. Oh, yes, she would.

Now, you're probably assuming I'm going to hand the story over to someone else at this point.

You're wrong. So there. Pbbbbt! :p

What Faith did, rather than another direct attack, was to wander toward Sabina, and...kiss her. I mean, come on, this is Faith, how long could it possibly be before she tried that?

Sandi near fainted. Endor drew a camera from somewhere, and took as many pictures as he could before Sabina reacted.

And how did she react?

She pulled away, glanced at Sandi, then grinned at Faith. 'Spirits of evil wheelings and dealings, let Little Miss Faith feel Sandi's feelings.'

Faith stumbled back as...

[Tamar]

...she was suddenly overcome not just with lust (an emotion second-nature to her--nnnh, better make that first), nor just with love (for she did love Ash), but with the pain of heartbreak and unrequited ardor.

Faith sat quivering on the grass. She couldn't meet Sandi's eyes. "I... I never... so this is what it's like to be..."

Sabina smiled in triumph.

Or so she thought, because the next thing she knew, Faith was upright and choking her. "You bitch. You fucking BITCH. Do you realize what you've done to me? I may never be able to twist people mentally around my finger again, because I'll wonder each time how it'd hurt their feeeeelings."

Yes, even Faith was not immune to the tendency of comic characters, co-created by T and/or Gisèle, to milk the word "feeling" for all it was worth.

But more to the point, Sabina couldn't breathe. And because she couldn't breathe, she couldn't cast spells. Nor, as whatever strength she had began to ebb, could she fight back physically.

Fortunately, Endor was on the case. He tossed aside the camera and leapt at Faith's face, clawing and scratching. Faith screamed and let go of Sabina, then managed to break free of Endor. Then, after playing a few quick "whoop, am I here? or here?" mental misdirection tricks, she ran off.

Endor looked at Sandi. "So um...who won that?"

Sandi got out a cloth and wiped her glasses. "I'm...really not sure."

"Great," said Sabina once she'd caught her breath again. "I've failed in my mission for the Masked... Marvel... Astounding... y'know what? I don't even remember what she goes by. And I'm pretty sure she's that airheaded slayer anyway."

Endor and Sandi nodded.

"Even so. What kind of an evil-fighting witch am I? How can I face my family and sister and brother mages? What'll I do now?"

At that moment, her cell rang. Long distance. It was...

[Kamino Neko]

...Lisa, of course.

'Hi, Beanie.'

'Please don't call me that, Lisa. Or I'll break out your old nickname.'

'WAK! Quiet, I'm on speakerphone, here!'

Sabina grinned. 'So, what's up, Lisa? Why call from...?' She checked the caller again. 'Italy? I mean, Belleville is in America, and Uncle Link was saying you were spending all your spare time in Scotland...'

'Yeah, long story. Which is actually kinda why I'm calling...' Lisa explained the whole situation.

'Well, it would be cool to go to Italy...and it's not far from Belgium, so Herg can get home easily...' Sabina tapped her lip. 'But, I don't know, babysitting isn't really what I had in mind...'

'Ah, Miss...ah...Ceremonyfellow?' Mother Superior's voice replaced Lisa's.

'It's Ritualman. To who am I speaking?'

'I'm the Mother Superior of the Holy Order of Holy Holiness, Ghibli Hills abbey.'

'Oh, ah, hello...should I be, like, bowing or something?'

'No need, no need. In any case, babysitting is not quite the right word. The duty of a nanny with the Holy Order of Holy Holiness...'

'That's a mouthful.' Sabina smirked. 'How about we just call it the Ho Ho Ho?'

The sound of Lisa guffawing came over the phone, followed by Mother Superior's voice. 'Ah, we'd...really rather you didn't.'

'Sorry, go on...what does being a nanny for you guys mean I'd have to do?'

'Well, your chief duty, of course, is, in fact, to take care of the children in your care. But, beyond that, you must also...

[Alice Macher]

...plan parties and other social activities for your fellow nannies and for the instructors, many of whom are also on the young side."

"Parties and social activities?" said Sabina. "I can completes handle that." ("Completes," of course, was Sabina's way of saying "totes.") "So is this a paid position?"

"You'll receive a modest stipend, yes, plus magical healing benefits and other perks. As you'll be living in the convent, you'll of course receive free room and board. If you do well, there's opportunity for advancement within the Order, and we'll help subsidize your tuition at approved magical and SPI universities and colleges. Shall we teleport you in for an interview?"

"Yes plz--I mean please." With that, she scooped up Endor and vanished from the Artemis campus. Sandi didn't know whether to be grateful for her having done what she did there.


In any case, it's time now to visit with a couple of characters we haven't seen here in CtS in a long while, but whom you miiight just remember.

"Whoops. Little help, hon?"

"Sure thing, babe." The blonde helped her partner turn right side up so she could safely disembark from the bedpost. Her partner helped her in turn to take her feet off the back of her own shoulders.

"I think we have ourselves a new Krave Muffa position, Princess."

"I think so too, Grasseater. What number are we up to now? Seventy-eight?"

"Eighty-eight. Wow. Time flies, huh? Let me just make a few notes on that in our notebook...schematic diagrams...and, done. I'll get breakfast on, 'k?" Aggie threw on her robe and kissed Penny, then padded off to the kitchen.

Penny, still nude, headed off to the bathroom for a quick shower. She pulled the curtain aside to reach the faucet...and found Stan there, dry and fully clothed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Stan shut his eyes and covered his face as Penny wrapped a towel around herself and commenced whacking him with a loofa. "Wait, Pen--I can explain everything--OW!"

Aggie turned the stove off and rushed in. "Penny? What's--? ...Oh, Stan. Stan, Stan, Stan." She tilted her head and sighed. "You were doing so well. I was even a little proud of you, and Penny here--that's enough hitting, baby; give me the loofa...unngh! thank you--Penny was juuust starting to be able to utter your name without curling her lip." She folded her arms. "Explain yourself."

"I will! This wasn't my fault, I swear. It all started yesterday, when...

[Kamino Neko]

...I was down at the soup kitchen, like I am every weekend...'

'Last night was the weekend? Holy cow, how long were we working on that position?' Penny looked for a clock.

'Hush, let him finish.' Aggie patted Penny on the shoulder.

'Thank you, Aggie.' Stan stepped out of the shower, and checked his watch. 'So, right, anyway...I was at the soup kitchen, serving soup, like usual, when suddenly, the door burst open, and in charged a bear.'

'A bear?' Penny raised an eyebrow.

'A bear. But not just any bear, a prehistoric superbear...'

'A prehistoric superbear?'

Stan peered at Penny. 'You poor dear, have you suffered a hearing loss? I have a number of a good audiologist, who can hook you up with a quality hearing aid, and he doesn't charge mu...'

'I'm hearing you just fine, Stan, I'm just not believing you. Did you fall asleep watching Steven Colbert, or something?'

'No, I...' Stan paused. 'You watch Steven Colbert?'

'Grasseater's fault. Forget it...just...let's hear the rest of this ridiculous story.'

'OK. Well, when the bear burst in, as you can guess, everybody scattered. Except me. I will never let something as minor as a prehistoric superbear attack prevent me from serving the people.'

'The people who scattered.'

'Yes, I realized the problem with my logic at about the same time the bear got to the table.' Stan shrugged. 'In any case, surprisingly enough, the bear never mauled anyone. It just sniffed at the soup, then grabbed a bowl, and held it out.'

'A prehistoric superbear charged into the soup kitchen...to get a bowl of soup.'

'Yes. So, of course, I gave him some...'

'Of course.' Penny grabbed Stan by the collar, and dragged him close. 'And what does this have to do with you showing up in my shower?'

'... Please don't kiss me again, I don't want to make Aggie jealous.'

'...'

'...'

Penny glared at Stan then let him go. 'Just answer the question!'

'I was just getting to that.' Stan straightened his shirt. 'Anyway, after I served the bear....

[Tamar]

...it picked me up, put me on its back, and carried me off. 'Noble hairless ape,' it said, 'you have saved me from dying of hunger and thirst in this strange land and time I now find myself. Henceforth we are brothers, and we travel together.'

"'That's...very touching, I'm sure, Mr. Bear,' I said, 'but you see, I have a home and parents I should really be getting back to right--'

"'We. Travel. Together,' the bear said, turning its face toward me. So I shut up--"

"Had to happen sometime," said Penny.

"Hush, Pen," said Aggie. "Let him continue."

"Thanks, Agster," said Stan. "As we travelled on, past people screaming and running from us wherever we went, the bear explained that until that day, it had lived a simple life in a simpler world, where there weren't nearly as many 'hairless apes' running around like they owned the place. Then it came upon what looked like a cave, only not made of rock. It had all these odd circles and squares on it, and flashed with little-fires-in--"

"We get it, Stan," said Aggie. "No need to describe a time machine from the bear's point of reference. (Wish I could say that was the first time I'd uttered that sentence.) Moving on."

Stan sighed. "This would take a lot less time, and you two could go back to...whatever it was you were doing, a lot faster, if you didn't keep interrupting. Anyway. The bear, sniffing in curiosity, entered the time machine, which presently deposited it here and now. Well, not here, but in the city somewhere, and not now, but yesterday. You know what I mean. And now it had to figure out how to get back.

"'Well,' I said, 'I know a, er, fellow hairless ape who might be able to build you another, er, travelling cave to send you home.' So I directed it towards John Johnson III's home. I got off and rang the doorbell. One of his girlbots--I think it was the chesty, I mean chess one--answered the door and I explained the situation. She quickly fetched John and I explained it again. He said...