Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Kamino Neko]

...haunted apartment building?'

'Haunt...?' Penny laughed. 'Do you ever actually listen to what you say?'

'Nah, nah, see, I've already checked it out. The ghosts are friendly, and they'll add atmosphere, like the ones at Hogwarts.' Lisa shrugged. 'Now, they don't have quite the class as Nearly Headless Nick or the Bloody Baron, but I think I can get by with...

[Tamar]

...Torquil Sunflower, who passed away during a steak-eating contest in Apt. 314, much like the guy at that truckstop diner in Springfield. (I chose not to tell him about what his great-granddaughter's like.) There's also colonial-period boatswain Richard "Dick" Diggle, who died there back when the site was a gambling--"

"Wait," said Aggie. "Wasn't he one of the guys from fake George Washing-Tub's fake story?"

"Maybe so, but whereas in that story, as you later told it to me, he was kind of a, well, dick, having met the real-life--er, death--guy, I can assure you that he's lots of fun to chat with, once you grok his 'colourful rogue' accent. And of course that he's real, if maybe a bit less so now, materially speaking. Finally, there's Jefferson Washington Van Buren Teague, a former slave who, during the Reconstruction era, learned to read and write, then taught himself chemistry and invented polyester, in order to 'proffer it to the Gentleman,' or as we'd now put it, 'stick it to the Man.' The building, at the time of his death, with his secret white lover Sharon Sims at his bedside, was his mansion."

"Awesome," said Penny. "You're gonna tell Duane, right?"

"Mmmaybe not about Sharon Sims, in light of Yun Sung and all. But otherwise, yeah."

"So apart from the friendly ghosts," said Aggie, "who weren't themselves magicians, what is it about the place that makes you think it'd be a good place for W.U.S.S.U.P.?"

"Glad you asked. The building is founded upon a ley line which has the following nifty-ass magical properties...

[Kamino Neko]

...when manipulated just right, it'll make the building invisible.'

'Won't people notice the building missing?' Aggie shook her head. 'It's a BIG building, after all.'

'It's not really invisible, so much...people just won't notice it.' Lisa shrugged. 'Sorta like me before someone accused me of trying to sell her drugs.'

Aggie coughed and blushed.

'Not a problem you'll have any more, is it?' Penny patted Lisa on the head, with deliberate condescension.

'Right, now I have to do it deliberately.' Lisa looked up at Penny's hand. 'OK, you can stop that any time, now.'

'OK...that makes sense, so what other properties does it have?' Aggie changed the subject.

'Well, the next most interesting one is...

[Alice Macher]

...with the right tapping of its energies, it can make the building defend itself when under attack by conventional or magical weaponry. In case someone or another does notice it's there, and wants to capture or destroy it."

"Cool," said Penny. "And how might it defend itself?"

Lisa helped herself to a soda and opened it. "Oh, y'know, the usual. Forcefields, stun rays, more-than-stun rays (if you get my drift, and only if necessary). Worst comes to worst, the ley line can power a spell to make the building teleport somewhere safer, whether another spot on the globe, another terraformed planet, or another dimension. That's as a last resort, though, because when teleported, objects--and those people inside them at the time--don't always land gently." She took a sip.

"Ouch. Clearly, though, you've thought this through."

"That's my job, blue eyes," she said in a film noirish tone. "Another thing the ley line's energies can do is connect to ley lines elsewhere in the world. That has lots of potential uses, like communication. Hogwarts, you may or may not know, doesn't use electricity, because electrically-powered conventional computers go haywire around all the powerful magic there. But they can use similar or substitute devices powered by magic. And ley line connections can be used as a magical Internet. Not exactly an open-source one, sry. But still. Oh! and if there's an electrical blackout in town, the school's own internal network would be kept running. It'd also be invulnerable to conventional cracking attempts, viruses and crap."

"And trolling?" Aggie asked, jokingly.

"We magicians have a very special way of handling especially persistent trolls who mess with us."

"What do you do," said Penny, "sleep with their moms?"

"...No. What an odd thing to say. Nah, if a troll won't go away, we send them a troll kind of troll. You know, the kind that lives under bridges and gnaws on bones."

Aggie's eyes widened. "You do what?!"

"Relax, Agster. The bridge trolls don't harm them, unless directly threatened with violence. They just put a little scare into them because they're so ugly-ass and mean-looking. Then they, er, suggest the Internet troll allow them momentary access to their PC so they can determine their true, unmasked I.P. address, their name, and their ISP, and tell the little fuckers their ISP will be duly notified if they keep it up. And if they switch I.P.s and ISPs so they can still troll us, the bridge troll sends their info to a secret master list of the International Congress of Internet Service Providers. And they get blacklisted. Too bad, so sad."

"Nice," said Penny, "too bad we didn't know about all this so we could use it on Charlotte, way back when. Or at least on Tharqa. Know'm sayin'?"

"Yeah," said Lisa, "too bad. Welp, I'm off to start on my proposal for U both. Now you can both go back to looking at uninerdsities. Heehee. Bye now."


After much more online sleuthing and discussion (including Rob walking in at one point and wondering why they were bothering when they'd both made more money in six months than he'd made in a lifetime, at which point an annoyed Lynda shooed him out), Penny and Aggie finally found a college they wanted to attend together. It was...

[Kamino Neko]

...Bad Bad Bad University. Something about the name spoke to them - especially after they confirmed it wasn't an accurate description of the quality of the education. The arts and sciences, all programs were highly respected. They were mildly confused by the fact they could never find an explanation for the name, but, c'est la vie.

A few days later, they were touring the campus, and encountered....

[Tamar]

...the Criminology scholar-in-residence, twenty-something British Parliamentarian and super-powered individual Muffy Diver. Sitting in on a lecture, they were impressed with her command of fields as varied as criminology, UK and international law, teleportation physics, the poetry of Sappho (which Penny actually enjoyed), and even the art and science of carpet cleaning. After the lecture, they asked if they could chat with her for a bit, and she agreed. "Why don't we adjourn to my orifice--office! I mean office," she said.

"So. Visiting the campus, are you birds--I mean ladies. Well, although I'm a visiting scholar, and I've only just met you, I sense that Bad Bad Bad University is just what you're looking for. It's a fine women's college in such proud company as fellow Sixty-Nine Sisters schools, Smith and Bryn Mawr. Do you have any questions?"

"Yes," said Penny. "Could you tell us what the origin of the university's name is?"

"Would you like the official explanation," Diver leaned in close toward them and smiled conspiratorally, arching her eyebrows twice, "or the real one?"

"The official one, please. We know this school is far, far from 'bad,' quality-wise, but we'd just like to know what to tell our parents."

"If you don't think it cheeky of me to ask," said Diver, "would that be mother and father, or mother and--?"

"Father, here," said Aggie. "For Penny, mom and dad."

"Ah. Then you may tell them the name is from the Arabic ābād, "abode," as in "Islamabad." So "Bad Bad Bad" means, "abode within itself," that is, a self-sufficient house of learning."

"Makes sense," said Aggie. "Tell me, is the campus environment friendly to...alternative lifestyles?"

"You might say that. You might even say it's our mission to be especially... accomodating to women with non-mainstream values and...tastes."

"Well, you at any rate seem very approachable and friendly, Prof. Diver," said Penny, "so thank--"

"Please...call me Muffy." She did the eyebrow thing again.

"Er yes, well, thank you very much, Muffy, for allowing us to sit in on your fascinating lecture and answering our questions. Now Aggie and I'd better be off to check out the library."

"Good, good. Oh, and if you should feel peckish, do stop at the food court in Rugmunch Hall, lower level. Best fish tacos in the whole of New England. Good-bye and good luck, lllladies."


"She's very nice," said Aggie, as they walked across the campus. On the lawn, barefoot undergraduates in bikini tops and shorts were spraying each other with rainbow-coloured water out of hoses, apparently as part of Orientation. This reminded Penny of something, but she couldn't quite pinpoint what.

"Yeah," said Penny. "Everyone here's been tote--totally nice. There's just one thing I wonder...

[Kamino Neko]

...why are there no guys?'

Aggie stared at her dumbfounded until she started laughing.

'I'm kidding. Seriously, I got the measure of the place.'

'So, this is a yes?' Aggie took hold of Penny's arm.

'I don't know, it's so sudden, and we're not even sure same sex marriage is legal in this state, y-ow.' Penny rubbed her arm where Aggie had pinched her.

'You insisted we start planning, the least you could do is take it seriously!'

'Are...are you saying you don't want to marry me?' Penny sniffled.

'Not if you're going to be like that!' Aggie stepped away, crossing her arms.

Penny snickered and pushed Aggie ever so gently from behind. 'You're the one being a dumbass, Grasseater!'

Aggie turned and pushed back, in kind...it was all in fun until the shoulder of the path began to slope away, and one push resulted in Penny losing her footing, and, after Aggie tried to catch her, the two rolling down the hill into...

[Alice Macher]

...the campus golf course. They continued to roll until the momentum carried them into the pond. It was full of Skittles.

No sooner had they emerged than a group of women, with close-cropped hair and wearing yellow polo shirts and white cotton stretch shorts, came out to cheer and applaud them.

Grinning sheepishly, like her partner, Aggie said, "Yeah, I guess we must look pretty stupid."

"Oh," said one of the women, "we're not making fun of you, babes. We're genuinely applauding you because you're both officially the ten thousandth prospective student(s) to fall in the Skittle pond. That means that upon acceptance you both win a full scholarship, a $1,000 per year textbook allowance, and your pick of the prime residence cats."

"YAY!" said Penny and Aggie. Then, after a pause, they both said, "Cats?"

"Why, sure," said another woman. "Each student in residence is required to keep at least two cats in their dorm room."

Penny thought of Charles. "Are we--would we be allowed to bring a cat from home?"

"Sure, as long as she can tolerate the presence of at least one other feline in close quarters."

"What about rats?" said Aggie.

"Sorry. State health regulations prohibit it. Cats only."

"I understand," said Aggie. "Well, I can see Copey during break, I guess. Pen, what say you about Charles?"

"Charles?" said another woman. "Not Charlene, say?"

Penny sighed. "Never mind. Having our pick of cats here will do. I do love cats as a nation."

"Yeah, me too," said Aggie. "Um...bitch." She lightly punched Penny on the arm.

"Wonderful, wonderful!" said the first woman, clapping her hands. "You gals'll fit in just fine. Now go dry off somewhere so we can play through here."


Back home the next day, Penny and Aggie told the assembled Rob, Lynda and Nick about their visit, leaving out the more salacious innuendoey bits. Rob asked...

[Kamino Neko]

...'So, you did actually visit the school, right? Because that was an awful...sparse story.'

'Oh, yes, Daddy, don't worry. Just...nothing terribly interesting happened. But the school looks quite good.' Penny paused. 'Good and boring. You like boring, right?'

Rob peered at her. 'Not sure if insulted.'

'So...' Aggie coughed. 'They don't allow rats, so you'll have to take care of Copenhagen, Daddy.' She reached up and patted the rat on her shoulder.

'Well, that's OK. Though, I think I'll have to put him on a diet...he's been getting way too many treats, I think.' Nick peered at Copenhagen. 'He's getting a bit chubby.'

*Chubby?' Chubby? I'll have you know, I'm positively svelte!* Copenhagen glared at Nick, while rat-telepathing.

'Hmm. On second thought, he seems positively svelte.'

*In fact, I'm getting too skinny. I need more treats.*

'In fact, he's getting too skinny. He needs more treats.'

Aggie looked at Nick, then at Copenhagen. 'Daddy, I love Copey, but too thin he's not.'

Copenhagen bowed his head in guilt. *You're right, I'm pudgy, and should probably cut back on the treats.*

'You're right, he's pudgy, and should probably cut back on the treats.'

'Daddy...' Aggie peered at him. 'Why are you talking like you're, I dunno, mind controlled?'

Nick blinked. 'Well, I guess...

[Tamar]

...I'd better put on that dashing felt swashbuckler hat Lisa gave me. She might be on to something after--NOW CUT THAT OUT!" he said, turning on Copenhagen. Then he went to fetch the hat.

"I'm sorry," said Lynda, "I'm a bit lost here."

"Me too," said Rob.

"I'll 'splain," said Aggie, betraying the linguistic influence of her BF yet again. "See, Lisa, given her powers, began to suspect some time ago that Copey here was telepathic, because my dad kept feeding him treat after treat one time, while looking like he was in a daze. So she suggested my dad wear anti-mind control protection when around him."

"What about you?" said Penny.

Aggie grinned. "Apparently, according to Lis, my blue hair dye offers anti-mind control protection aplenty."

"Knew it had to be good for something," said Penny in an undertone.

"Shut uuup!" said Aggie, laughing, while smacking Penny's arm with the back of her hand. Had they been alone, this might well have led to something more fanservicey, but as it was...hey, don't complain, you get enough of that here.

Nick came back to the table, wearing the hat. He did indeed look dashing. "That's better." He sat down and stroked the rodent. "Sorry I yelled at you, boy, but really, this is what's best for your own health."

Copenhagen merely twitched his nose. If he was sad, it was hard to tell because, well, rats don't have particularly expressive faces unless they're toons. And neither Nick nor Aggie would've wanted that.

"Hey," said Rob, "why isn't he trying to control anyone else's mind?"

I've been found out, thought Copenhagen, so there's no point any more.

"Maybe," said Penny, "he's been found out, so there's no point any mo--HEY!"

Sorry.

Aggie suddenly had a thought. Of her own, remember, because of the dye. "Y'know what? When daddy and I first picked out Copey at the store and brought him home, although he was healthy and happy-looking, he didn't seem quite so...aware and intelligent at first. Then, shortly after we put him in Finister's old cage...Penny?"

"Mm?"

"Ask Copey whether...whether he's Finister. And tell him to tell the truth. For my sake."

Penny didn't quite follow, but saw how much it meant to her girl, so she complied.

Got it in one, said the rat to Penny, who relayed the message bit by bit. I'm Finister. I entered this here rat's brain shortly after my death, when I'd become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. It's kind of complicated to explain how. Involves complex manipulation of satellite network lasers. But...yeah. Here I am. The important thing is, I'm back with the two humans who love me the most.

Aggie sniffled. "Oh, Finister... If only I'd known... I wouldn't have laid the whole guilt trip on Penny here..."

Penny rested a hand on Aggie's shoulder. "It's okay. Gave me an opportunity to shoot the shit with the 'rents here. Er, that is, to have a meaningful conversation about feelings and empathy and...stuff."

"Well," said Nick, teary-eyed himself, "now that we're all one big happy human/rodent family again, why don't we celebrate by...

[Kamino Neko]

...going out for rat treats.'

'Copenhagen!' Aggie picked the rat off her shoulder. 'That's not nice!'

*Wasn't me!*

'Can you think of a better way to celebrate the return of Finister?' Nick tugged on the brim of his hat. 'Also, I think I look very good in this hat. I should get the whole ensemble.'

'O ya, you totes should, Mr L...' Nobody had seen Lisa come in. '... There are too many "Mr L"s in this series. One of you needs to change your last name.'

'Out! Out!' Rob shooed Lisa out with a broom. 'I swear it's worse than rats...'

*Hey! I can hear you, you know.*

'He can hear you, you kn...now cut that out.' Penny eyed Copenhagen.

*He started it.* Copenhagen snorted derisively. Quite a feat for a rat.

'In any case,' Nick chuckled. 'We should go get some rat treats for Copenhagen, and the rest of us - and I mean all of us, Levacs and Lamours - can go out for...

[Alice Macher]

...dinner at Toeny Toeblertoene's Phantasmagoric Phamily Phood Conglomerate. It's a phun--er, fun--new restaurant in the circus district. It's not just a dinner, it's a synesthesic experience! See, when you go there, the first thing that happens as you're led to your table is...

[Kamino Neko]

...you're pelted with toe socks.'

'... Clean ones, I hope.'

'The ad doesn't say, but the ones when I went to check it out seemed fine, anyway.'

Aggie placed Copenhagen back on her shoulder, and waved a scolding finger at Nick. 'Daddy, what have I told you about toe socks? There's a reason I don't wear them any more, and refuse to let Lisa into the house when she is.'

'Aggie, I keep telling you, they're only a symptom, not the cause.' Nick shook his head and shrugged.

'I don't like to take chances.' She lifted her foot and peered at it. 'But, I do miss toe socks.'

'See? So, on top of celebration, we can use this as a proof that toe-socks don't make me mad.' He shrugged. 'Except when you leave a half dozen pairs on the bathroom floor, instead of putting them in the laundry.'

'OK, let's do it, then.' Aggie shrugged. 'It sounds fun. If weird.'

It wasn't long before the group of them were heading into Toeny's restaurant. Almost immediately, they were surprised when...

[Tamar]

...they were pelted, not with toe socks, but with numbers. By which I mean numbers in the abstract. In their pure, Platonic state, as it were.

"AWESOME!" said Nick, Aggie and Lynda.

"What the--?" said Rob and Penny.

"Now don't fret," said Nick, as he, Aggie and Lynda happily caught numbers in their hands and on their tongues. "Numbers are our friends. They can't--er, that is, they...no. NO."

"Nick?" said Rob. "What's wrong?"

"These...these are hyporational numbers. What kind of irresponsible--?"

Aggie took a moment to reflect. "Oh no. Katy-Ann told me about what happened when Brandi got infected with them and...and... wait a minute. I see it. I see it now."

Penny, concerned by her sudden change in facial expression and tone from fearful to rapturous, laid a hand on Aggie's shoulder. "Aggie? Baby, what do you see?"

Aggie now wore a rictus grin. Her pupils had dilated to the size of a present-day print newspaper comic strip panel. "I see...everything. More specifically, I see what I must now do. To the laboratory!" She gave a flourish with her hand.

"Ag, sweetgrass, there is no laboratory in--"

"D-O-I-I-NG! Did someone say 'laboratory?' Right this way, young missy. You too, Nick, my old phriend." Wild-eyed and fancy-free, the D'Amours followed Toeny into the back room.

"Oh...no. I remember," said Penny, crying softly. "Brandi told me about it. Hyporational, or insufficiently rational numbers, cause Science Related Pathetic Disorder."

"You mean--?" said Lynda.

"Yes! Nick and A--Aggie have become incompetent mad scientists. We've got to stop them, and that psychotic, if well-meaning, Toeny Toebl--whatever, too." So Penny and Lynda ran after them, Penny signalling Lisa on her special watch as she ran.

Rob was left sitting alone at the table, drumming with his fingers. "When the hell is a goddamn server gonna take my order? I'm starving here."


Lisa, upon reaching Penny's signal, found her GPS coordinates and rushed right over. Once on the scene, she said, "If I'd only known my old, psychotic but well-meaning friend Toeny had...

[Kamino Neko]

...opened a restaurant...I am so damned hungry.'

'Not the point, crab-head.' Penny dragged Lisa toward the lab.

'How long have we known each other?'

'Four years? ... No, wait. 'Bout 2.' Penny shook her head. 'Just seems longer.'

'Whatevs. You should know by now, I can say totally weirdo things while being totally...watch out!'

'Totally what no--' Penny's question was cut off when she was hit by...