On a similar note, here's a satirical piece for all those times you've ever found yourself unexpectedly roped into a guided meditation at your house of worship, workplace seminar, or elsewhere. It's by Richard Hirsh and it's from the March (Purim) 1996 issue of Sh'ma: A Journal of Jewish Responsibility. Edited where necessary for comprehension by non-synagogue goers.
Close your eyes...no, really, keep them closed!...OK, now: imagine you are being forced to participate in a guided meditation...think about the person who is making you do this...don’t struggle with the person, simply acknowledge him/her...think about how manipulated you feel right now...think about how much you hate this stuff...allow yourself to feel angry...allow yourself to feel bored...slowly chant to yourself: I hate this stuff...I hate this stuff...I hate this stuff...remember reading The Little Engine That Could...feel yourself developing a headache...remember other moments in your life when you were bored, hungry and had a headache...allow yourself to acknowledge that many people in the room forgot to take a shower this morning; remember gym class in seventh grade...now think of the last time you were forced to participate in a guided meditation; don't struggle with the feelings, simply acknowledge them...try to lower your blood pressure...allow yourself to feel very, very hungry...now open your eyes slowly...allow yourself to find another synagogue.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer