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[Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 6:44 pm
by Valerie
OMG LOLOLOL

Okay, uh, title says it.
We have a "happy things" thread, and that's awesome and full of happiness and sunshine and love and heartwarms, but this is gonna be strictly funny. Funny videos, funny anecdotes, funny songs, etc.

I'm all for free speech, but I also like civility, so if you think a joke may strike someone as racist/sexist/whateverist, put a warning, please.

For example:

Example wrote:This joke is a little sexist to men, so skip this post if you don't want to see it.

[sexist joke goes here]


That way, we can all have our funnies without wanting to punch each other. :P

Lemme start us off with this little song about how gay people are ruining everything.

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:02 pm
by Alice Macher
A man is walking down the street, when he checks his watch and notices it's running backwards. "Better find a place where I can get this fixed," he thinks.

Soon enough, he sees a small shop with a giant watch in the window. "This should do it." He goes inside and says to the proprietor, "Can you fix my watch?"

The proprietor stares at him. "I'm not a watchmaker. I'm a mohel."

"A what?"

"I perform Jewish ritual circumcisions," says the proprietor.

"Then...then why do you have a giant watch in your window?"

"With my job, what should I put in the window?"

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:48 pm
by Tamar
A poem by Ogden Nash (1902-1971):


Bankers Are Just Like Anybody Else, Except Richer

This is a song to celebrate banks,
Because they are full of money and you go into them and all
you hear is clinks and clanks,
Or maybe a sound like the wind in the trees on the hills,
Which is the rustling of the thousand dollar bills.
Most bankers dwell in marble halls,
Which they get to dwell in because they encourage deposits
and discourage withdrawals,
And particularly because they all observe one rule which woe
betides the banker who fails to heed it,
Which is you must never lend any money to anybody unless
they don't need it.
I know you, you cautious conservative banks!
If people are worried about their rent it is your duty to deny
them the loan of one nickel, yes, even one copper engraving
of the martyred son of the late Nancy Hanks;
Yes, if they request fifty dollars to pay for a baby you must
look at them like Tarzan looking at an uppity ape in the
jungle,
And tell them what do they think a bank is, anyhow, they had
better go get the money from their wife's aunt or ungle.
But suppose people come in and they have a million and they
want another million to pile on top of it,
Why, you brim with the milk of human kindness and you
urge them to accept every drop of it,
And you lend them the million so then they have two million
and this gives them the idea that they would be better off
with four,
So they already have two million as security so you have no
hesitation in lending them two more,
And all the vice-presidents nod their heads in rhythm,
And the only question asked is do the borrowers want the
money sent or do they want to take it withm.
Because I think they deserve our appreciation and thanks,
the jackasses who go around saying that health and happi-
ness are everything and money isn't essential,
Because as soon as they have to borrow some unimportant
money to maintain their health and happiness they starve
to death so they can't go around any more sneering at good
old money, which is nothing short of providential.

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 8:08 pm
by Valerie
Related (oh God, I'm already derailing?), I found this article, and it prompted a conversation in the chat in which we all discussed what funny names genitals were called when we were kids.

The names that we have used for "vagina" include:
- Cookie cat
- Tinkler
- Kookoo
- Monkey

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 8:21 pm
by Captain LeBubbles
Valerie wrote:Related (oh God, I'm already derailing?), I found this article, and it prompted a conversation in the chat in which we all discussed what funny names genitals were called when we were kids.

The names that we have used for "vagina" include:
- Cookie cat
- Tinkler
- Kookoo
- Monkey


A friend and I once wrote an AU world where our older adult characters were all preteens and genderswapped. We established that preteen!boy!One and preteen!boy!Mia used euphemisms for penises as their greetings.

Also, so that I don't come in empty-handed, have an amusing conversation with my (British) Am-Lit professor from a while back.

Classmate: Cows?
Professor: What?
Classmate: Cows.
Professor: Spell it?
Classmate: C-o-w-s.
Professor: Oh, cows!
*class titters*
Bubbles: Oh, the troubles with accents.
Professor: Well, at least we spell things the same.
Bubbles: *brb, lolling forever*

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:15 pm
by Valerie
This actually happened a while back, but...

Val: *sees that her incredibly practical father has a 24-pack of bottled water in the back of his truck* Why do you have bottled water?
Dad: Because I bought bottled water.
Val: You know that comes out of your sink, right?
Dad: I like how bottled water tastes.
Val: Did you pick up a box of air while you were at the store, too?
Dad: ...Yup, you're my daughter.

As a side note, I don't really mind people buying bottled water all that much (though I don't buy it myself), but this is the same man who wouldn't let me put tape around the borders of the walls when we painted my bedroom. He's very "essentials only."

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:31 am
by sun tzu
A Jew steps inside a synagogue, crying his eyes out.
"God, it's terrible!" he cries out. "My son has converted to Christianity!"
God replies, "You're telling me?! Mine pulled the exact same stunt!"
"That's awful! What did you do?"
"I disowned him and wrote a new testament!"

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:20 pm
by Pink Freud
Image

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:23 pm
by Kamino Neko
Image

Hilight for translation: i 8 sum pi...that is all.

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 9:08 pm
by Captain LeBubbles
Q: What do you call the biggest squid in the world?
A: Brian.

(That was terrible, but I love it.)

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
To!
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.

(I blame QI.)

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 12:00 pm
by Valerie
What do you call a giant with carrots in his ears?
Anything you want. He can't hear you.

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:31 pm
by Lia S
In a window on the third floor, there's a Middle-Eastern-looking man is beating the dust out of a carpet. A man in the street shouts at him "Hey, are you having trouble starting it?"

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:14 am
by Lia S
Combine two things that seem like opposites into something that makes sense in an odd way, and you may get something funny. I don't know if the following will make anyone else laugh, but it's worth a try.

Baby Turtle Eating a Raspberry with Epic Music

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:28 pm
by Hexr
The following joke may be offensive if you're a)American, b)opposing Obamacare, and/or c)too stupid to know stuff about the countries neighboring yours a 20-something-old guy in Finland knows.

So yeah, anyway, in case some of Us in Canada have missed it, some US citizens are planning to move to Canada because they don't like the Obamacare.

Re: [Off-Topic] Funny Stuff.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:05 pm
by Otaking
I'm sure Zano has seen this but maybe some of you haven't. Still the funniest bit that I know of from Adult Swim.