The unofficial bad day thread.

[Valerie]

So now, I've had to talk about what's happened several times, feel like a horrible person when the word "harassment" gets tossed around even though I'm the one who's on the receiving end, feel like an even MORE horrible person for not saying anything before now, feel like the WORST PERSON EVER for not ever saying "I'm not cool with this, please stop" to him, and just all around feel bad because my brain keeps running off thinking this might get the guys fired. Note, he has not been fired, just saw him again today though thankfully I don't think he saw me.

I've had similar situations, though that was more in high school than in the working world for me.

Thing is, if you say something, people act like you're being too sensitive. You're not. You have the right to a comfortable work environment. But this thought that you're being too sensitive leads you to never say anything (or to wait a long time before saying something) because you're conditioned to believe that you're the one at fault.

Don't feel bad for not saying something sooner. It's a socialization thing, one that we desperately need to get rid of. If you tell someone to leave you alone, they should leave you alone. If you even seem uncomfortable, they should take the hint and leave you alone. (If other coworkers could pick up on it, I refuse to believe that he couldn't.)

Not to mention it's just plain rude to ask a lady's name without first giving your own. Chivalry is so dead.

Don't feel bad for standing up for yourself, and don't feel bad for taking so long to stand up for yourself. If it keeps up, ask a manager to talk to him or something. That sort of behavior isn't (and shouldn't be) acceptable.

[Black Cat Godess]

Yeah, my coworker told me that it was pretty obvious how uncomfortable I was and I like to think that came across to the guy who's been making me feel uncomfortable. He hasn't ever asked me my name though, not that I can remember. But there's still the point that he never introduced himself to me either, just started talking to me like we were best friends. And I KNOW that I shouldn't feel bad, that I should feel relieved that something will hopefully be done to stop it, but I still feel bad all the same. It's the same shit, pardon my French, that I should've said something before to a higher up or directly to the guy himself. But I didn't, I usually just try to keep conversations with him as short as possible if they have to happen and use just about any excuse I can to get out of the situation without being blatantly rude or mean about it. I even feel bad that the word harassment is being used because I usually associate the word with bullying or unwanted sexual advances; unwanted conversation doesn't really fit either bill in my book, so I almost feel like calling it that undermines the word. Again, it's stupid to think that but that doesn't stop me from thinking it.

Funnily enough, though, my bosses and HR kept driving home the point that I deserve a comfortable work environment and that I shouldn't feel bad about any of this. In fact, they've all told me to come to them personally if anything else happens. It does feel nice to have higher ups on your side, even if I feel crappy about the rest of it.

[Adrishiana]

If nothing else, Black Cat Godess, it's possible that HR talking to the guy will help him to examine his behavior and figure out where he's going wrong so he doesn't do it to you or anyone else in the future.

Good luck. <3

[Captain LeBubbles]

Thanks guys. Whatever does end up happening (she says, as though she doesn't already know that she's going to just keep her mouth shut and be happy with what she has, because it's far too easy to make excuses to continue her cowardice at this point), it's good to know I've got people cheering me on.

Adding to that, my boyfriend and I have been dating for over five years now and we started a state and a half apart over a internet forum. I giggle slightly when people tell me "internet/long-distance relationships never work out."

It's not really the distance that bothers me, because I could probably manage an internet relationship better than an irl one anyway, just because it removes the constant need to socialize in person (while wearing pants- pants are overrated). It's the other factors involved, like incompatible orientations and needs.

And also because I'm a massive Cowardy McChickenpants. That doesn't help either.

[Valerie]

It's really sad how we can be conditioned to feel that "harassment" is too strong of a word for someone who makes us visibly uncomfortable and refuses to take the hint. You don't have to be touched or yelled at to be harassed.

And it really is great that you have higher-ups on your side. The guys I dealt with in high school... There was one guy named James who showed up at my house all the time because he had a crush on me, and, no matter how many times I told him (very, very plainly and rudely) to leave, he kept coming over. And Mom (and my sister and my friends) all blamed it on me. "Why don't you give him a chance? He's such a nice guy!"

Um, no. A nice guy wouldn't be ignoring my need for privacy and comfort in my own home. If we had been adults instead of 13-17, I would have had the police on it faster than possible.

Anyway, just, with people like my mom and sister and (ex)friends around, it's great that people are encouraging you to stand up for yourself and willing to tell him to leave you alone.

[NobodySpecial]

I just want to note that in a good relationship, pants are pretty much optional.

[Captain LeBubbles]

I just want to note that in a good relationship, pants are pretty much optional.

...Yeah, okay, fair enough.

[NobodySpecial]

And my sympathies to BCG. Makes me almost glad I spend most of my time at work alone.

[Zanosuke Kurosaki]

^ Seconded. Glad you're getting that sorted out, BCG. Oh, and I'm Zano. Nice ta meetcha.

On my own "bad day" meter - I have been unable to fall asleep before 1 or 2 am for about three nights running now, despite being on a day schedule now and trying every relaxation trick I know. The headache I keep waking up with, ay-yi-yi. It makes me wonder just what deity I pissed off, so I can go make a sacrifice in their name...x.x

[Louisa]

I just want to note that in a good relationship, pants are pretty much optional.

...Yeah, okay, fair enough.

This exchange is SO MUCH MORE AMUSING when read from a British perspective.

[Freemage]

BCG: As you know in your head already, your bosses have the right of things, here--a safe and comfortable working environment is your right. You obviously aren't over-selling the case, or being vindictive; what you're asking for is nothing more than common courtesy. As I said, you clearly know this, but repetition--both from yourself and from others--is how you'll grow to eventually feel it, as well.

Val: I blame Hollywood (most particularly John Hughes) for the notion of the Nice Guy [TM]. It's so. Damned. Destructive. Both to the women who have to deal with the resultant misconduct, and to the guys who buy into the message themselves.

BCG: And a high-five on the successful internet relationship. The wife and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary; we met in an online RPG chatroom about 10 years ago.

[Captain LeBubbles]

I just want to note that in a good relationship, pants are pretty much optional.

...Yeah, okay, fair enough.

This exchange is SO MUCH MORE AMUSING when read from a British perspective.

I admit, I did think "I bet our British threadites will get an extra lulz from that" when I first typed it.

[Valerie]

BCG: As you know in your head already, your bosses have the right of things, here--a safe and comfortable working environment is your right. You obviously aren't over-selling the case, or being vindictive; what you're asking for is nothing more than common courtesy. As I said, you clearly know this, but repetition--both from yourself and from others--is how you'll grow to eventually feel it, as well.

True. Repeat after me, Black Cat Godess: "Seriously, fuck that guy."

Val: I blame Hollywood (most particularly John Hughes) for the notion of the Nice Guy [TM]. It's so. Damned. Destructive. Both to the women who have to deal with the resultant misconduct, and to the guys who buy into the message themselves.

I blame my family and ex-friends for apparently having ten brain cells in total.
As much as media pisses me off with its glorification of abusive relationships, stalking, etc., at the end of the day, these are adults who should know better. (Well, okay, my sister was like... 18 when I was 14, so she was only technically an adult. And my friends were my age. And also stupid. But Mom was a legit grown-up. In age, at least, but I won't get into that here.)

[Zanosuke Kurosaki]

What was left of my good mood (rough evening) evaporated when the following was relayed to me:

Taz*, a kitten that I had helped nurse since he was just a few days old, until he was a few weeks old(he was about nine months by this point), had to be put down today. He was a bit of a miracle cat in the first place, as all three of his litter mates died (two were pre-mies anyway, poor things), the mother cat had abandoned all four of them, and they were found in the rain. He picked up something while he was with a couple of people that had "adopted"** him, and unfortunately, that something was apparently a chronic case of the runs(to be expected, seeing as the poor boy was already a big "at-risk" to begin with). Taz had managed to get rid of most of it, but just this last week he had a relapse, and was in constant pain because his system just wouldn't let him be. I am glad he even made it to nine months, but I'm finding it hard to not be broken-hearted at the same time.

*I sometimes help out/volunteer with a low-cost spay/neuter clinic, and my mother and I help foster cats on occasion. I ended up naming him "Taz", because after he would finish up with the bottle, he would then spin his entire little self in my hand, nuzzling his nose against my chest as he spun. And then when he got bigger, he wasn't all that big, but he turned out to be quite energetic. So "Taz" stuck.
**"Adopted" is more like "abducted", in this case. The woman who runs the clinic has some rules for adopting out, and one of them is the chance to make a home visit beforehand, so she can see the environment she's going to be releasing the cat to. Unfortunately, when they took him, he wasn't with said woman, he was being fostered by someone else at the time, and she rather goofed up in how she handled the whole thing. Especially since part of said goof was in not immediately reporting to the clinic owner "hey, these people just walked out of here with one of your cats, didn't pay the full amount, didn't even sign any papers, what do I do now?" *headdesk*

[Muttley]

Valerie, If you've not already come across them, the Heartless Bitches have a good analysis of what's really wrong with Nice Guys.