"I wish I had a proper reason to feel as shitty as I do" theory
I did wish that I had some kind of trauma that I could blame
It can always be worse. ALWAYS. It really can be worse. This is not just a cliche.
It can get so bad you might have once said "Man, what a fool I was to wish I had problems, I should have enjoyed a care-free existence." However, you're past that even.
NOW you say, is this your worst God? F you and the Universe you rode in on. Rather than being emo, you instead develop a kind of maniacal alter-happiness just to be contrary to what the universe is trying to break you with. Rather than wearing black you pick out the loudest hawaiian shirts you can complete with the authentic coconut buttons. You go out and have a pina colada to go with the shirt which leads to a three way with an attractive girl you and your wife were both into. Random guys in the club come up and compliment me on how hot my wife is and what a lucky guy I am. What they don't know that this is like one good day out of the month for her, and maybe she's just bolstered up by the alcohol mixed with the pain pills, which also puts her into a sexual frenzy. She can't actually be penetrated anymore due to her internal issues, pain from pelvic floor tightening and endometrial scarring. Maybe we had an exciting time and some wild nights, maybe we're just trying to jump off a cliff together in a different way. I literally feel like she's some kind of zombie, so beautiful on the outside and just rotting away on the inside. It destroys me in a whole different way than the direct experience with abject misery I've had to think about the might-have-beens.
I don't condone any of the crazy behavior. I've never smoked, barely drank in my entire life, most of that in college. I hardly even like to take aspirin myself and distrust anything in a bottle. I've stalled and cajoled and tough loved and cold turkeyed and made it difficult as possible for her to gradually get where she is over the years but it's allow the pills or watch her suffer, curled up on the floor, crying there or in my arms as I have literally bodily carried her into and out of doctor's offices wailing and wailing in pain for hours like you've never even seen in a movie and have only read about in religious texts. Ultimately it's back to the ER, night after night, sleeping on the sink or in the plastic chair cutting into my back and trying to read and not think about ridding the world of uncaring and incompetent doctors directly. At least I can wash my hands really well. Seven years of this, usually one good week out of a month and two bad on average.
My family treats her like the Whore of Babylon. She can't have kids because of the hysterectomy, and they hate her for that. She wants to jump ship out of the pain (and the suffering she puts ME through) via suicide, and they hate her for that because she's "using it to control me". Doctors either take the seven surgeries she's had to correct various internal issues seriously, or adopt this 'oh it's all in her head' Republican white bred bull that's really prevalent out here where I live in the South. I have pamphlets upon pamphlets pushed upon me about BPD and controlling me with suicide. I have an entire file cabinet of photos and surgical reports showing endometriosis and scarring everywhere. How can you quantify and test pain that someone else is feeling? How can you discount someone else's whole world because you think it's all in their head?
A lot of her family has died, diabetes, early heart attacks, uterine cancers, aunt had several endometrial complications, leading to hysterectomy from what was all in her head too I guess. All she has left is her mom and myself. I could divorce her as we so often discuss, like we did yesterday via phone on Valentine's day as she's in the hospital right now. She missed her appointment for a psychological evaluation as the preliminary step to getting a pain pump surgically installed, because she was in too much pain to make the long drive of the appointment which is two hours away from us.
Splitting with her might allow me to retain what little I have left of my sanity from not being directly exposed to what I have come to think of as "The furnace of misery." that she produces but then I will be heartbroken, and not to mention a broken (more broken?) man. A marriage vow is one of the things I believe in most strongly in this world. My love for her is boundless and to abandon her is like cutting out my own heart. There is literally nothing tying me to this situation but myself. She is sorry enough for what she's put me through to not even claim alimony (if it were even practically possible for her to do so, mom has very limited income, my wife herself has not been able to work since high school)
I can work from anywhere in the world, I could vanish and work out of Hawaii.
I said I wasn't going to do this again but certain comments just push my buttons. Obviously. Hell. I think I'll just do this and not even read the responses because man, I have nothing but advice but what I lack is solutions and good feelings.
I have no friends, no facebook, nothing, who'd want to hear about this stuff? I live like a hermit for the most part, most of my motivation to interact with the world at all is sapped between my extremely demanding career and this inescapable insanity that has taken over my life. I don't think many can even understand this level of punishment. Occasionally internal pressure builds up and the Internet void becomes my confessional. You can't put stuff like this as your twitter feed or up on your wall or whatever it's called. Eclipsed any chance of a normal social life as I changed my entire life to accommodate this...I am totally nocturnal having been on night shift for years in order to keep the constant battery of medical appointments during the day. I moved to be nearer my family for support in the vein of helping with hospital drives and cheaper rent out here to combat the medical bills.
Can't even talk to my family about my wife anymore at this point, my mom actually has been diagnosed with cancer just recently and had hysterectomy of her own. (Caught extremely early pre stage 1, waiting for the next test result) I certainly don't want to burden my family with my wife's problems now, but they still see me suffering and in turn, they suffer.
Now it's my mom's problems versus my wife's, double the medical deluge for me and I don't care about my mom anymore according to my mom.
So in summary, don't wish for problems. Even after death it can still be worse as all you might leave as your legacy is a bunch of random raging posts on forums.
But hey, today I fixed my vacuum cleaner and made some progress on the lawn. After some raging nonsense on the net I am at peace with myself, having have done all I can for now. Eat it universe. I'm still an atheist God, how do you like them nondescript fruits that everyone later attributed to be apples? You see, I don't need excuses to feel bad, I have to make excuses to feel good.
By the way this being the tea room and all, if you're looking for a really excellent one it's a hot Samurai Chai from Teavana. My wife and I both really like it. Don't give me advice, don't give me opinions, just have a glass of that (or whatever you drink) and wish us well, if you care to. I know I've been rough with people in here.