Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

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Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby DaSolution » Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:18 am

It's also on LiveJournal!


Me and my crew happened to be around the town of Belleville to take care of some business, so I decided to stop by and visit and old friend of mine and his wife. Whenever I come here, it always reminds me of a town I read about in the comics as a kid. I think that's rather weird.

During my visit I met their daughter Samantha, who really wanted to see me. So I went up to her room and we talked.

"I'm glad you here! I need fo' you to do me a favah!" she said.

"Depends on the favour. Just because I'm good friends with your parents doesn't mean I do anything for you as a charity."

"But I think you like this one. I'm sick n' tired of these goddamn crackah-azz bitches in this town holdin' me down. I also sick and tired of a few other people as well. Fuck it, I'm sick and tired of just about everybody round here!"

I immediately rolled my eyes when I heard that. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand white people, but complaining and blaming them for all the problems ain't gonna solve them. An AK-47 would though.

"So what do you exactly want me to do about it?"

"I want you to teach them mutha-fuckahs that they don't mess wit' me!" I was having second doubts about this until she told me, "That group is full of weirdos, nerds, geeks, oreos, and..."

"Wait. Did you just say 'Oreos'?" Well it only peaked my interest a little bit. What REALLY peaked my interest will come a bit later.

"Hell yeah! There's two o' dem niggas! One is Duane, and he only likes white bitches, yet he's explorin' his Mooslim roots, and get this shit, one of his girlfriends was a holy-rollin', kool-aid drinkin' Christian fanatic crackah!"

Instantly I fell off of the chair and laughed my ass off on the floor.

"Hahahaha! You mean to tell me that he wants to be a 5 precenter a salami brutha yet he wants some of that pork. You know, 'the other white meat?' Hahahaha!" She too was hysterically laughing hard on her bed. "Damn, if Louis found out about this, he would say 'Man, get that fool outta here!'" And we laughed some more. Me and Mr. Farrakhan aren't friends, I once gave a seething criticism of the Nation of Islam and Islam in general. However we both do share some things in common.

While I was laughing, I said. "That's one fucked up brutha!"

"He sure is!" she said while still laughing. We laughed like that for a few seconds, if not minutes. Finally we regain our composure and she pulled out her iPad to show me what he looked like. I laughed even more.

"So that's what the real-life Steve Urkel looks like?"

"Yep!" she laughed as well.

"So who's the other one?"

"Oh yeah, and there's this Beyonce-wanna bitch who is also into white meat. Her name is Brandi and she no less of an Oreo than he is." She then showed me a picture of her, and she looked nice. If she wasn't a sellout and if I wasn't with someone already, who knows, I might hit that.

"That bitch dates white dudes. I don't know why, they ain't got no dick!"

"That they don't. I don't see what's the big deal of having a white lover like it's some mother fucking trophy. I had one and in fact I married one, but to this day I totally regret ever falling in love with that sooka."

"Da fuck is sooka?" she said while giving me that look that black women does.

"Sooka is 'bitch' in Russian."

"Oh. I forgot that you're good with languages. Yes, I remember my father tellin' me 'bout it. Him and mom attended the wedding."

"Yes they did. He was one of my grooms. I wish it never happened. Biggest mistake in my life..." I said as I was looking at my ring finger, remembering the ring that used to be there before I sold it at a pawn shop after I killed that bitch and her lover.

She then told me. "Well but there's more since this group is more fucked up than that."

"Really?"

"Yeah, there's also a LOT of those people within the group, at least five of them the last time I count, six if I want to put Stan in it."

That hit the jackpot. That was all she had to say for me to do that 'favah' for her. I start to get angry, my muscles twitched, and I clinched my fist. There's nothing I like more than to brutalize, butcher, and evaporate those people.

"Tell me more." I said with a sinister smirk.

She had an evil smile in return. "Glad to. Those people make me sick just as much as they do to you. Where should I start? There's Fred, who is a big time dicksucking, chocolate doughnut-licking faggot. He's more flaming that a Double Whopper. And then there's his 'queer partner' Daphne. She's a big-time carpet munching, finger-licking dyke. She got a lovah name Sarah, who is half-Korean, but 100% honky if you ask me. She's an even bigger tit-sucking dyke who fantasizes other girls in our school making out with each other."

"Eewww... Gross." I said.

"Hell yeah it is. But there's more. We don't know where Stan is. He was Brandi's boyfriend, but he might be a closet case fag from what I've heard. And there there's Lisa. She's a nasty, filthy, bisexual."

My body clinched when I heard the word 'bisexual'. The lowest common denominator in the human race. They are side by side with cockroaches in the gene pool. I hate them more than anything on this shitty planet, even fags and dykes.

"Show me a picture of her."

She then pulled it out from one of her folders on her iPad and I saw it. Yep, she looked like a fence jumper alright.

"You know my motto, 'If it's a BI, then it must DIE!' I'm gonna beat her like the rag doll she is. I'm gonna break every bone in her body. I gonna beat the shit out of that bi-slut! I 'm gonna..."

"Yo chill man! I know you hate them a lot, but damn. Save all that for the time to come. I haven't even told you about the other two remainin'."

"Yeah thanks. It's just that when I hear 'bisexuals', something inside of me snaps and makes me wanna go out and snap their necks. As well, continue."

"And of course, those two bitches: Penny and Aggie. They're the biggest dykes in this town. I hate both of them, especially that Blondie, Barbie doll wanna-be bitch, Penny. And you should too."

"Just being a bunch of sick queers is a good enough reason to hate them."

"Not just a bunch of sick queers, but a bunch of sick queers who criticized about you. Both Penny and Aggie talked about you on their blogs. They weren't happy about what you did to Spashley, Sarah and Janey, Amy and Lucy, Chimeko, and them two girls in Tokyo." She said as she pulled up Aggie's first.

“Uh, I killed many of those people in Tokyo. You got to be specific.”

“I don't know much 'bout them 'sucky sucky bitches.' All I know is that one of them was short and fat and had the last name Niijima or some shit like that. And the other one is tall.”

“Oh I know, you mean those two Human Lawnmowers, Hanae and Fuuko. They're more like 'licky licky bitches' becuase dykes don't suck dick. Yeah I killed those bitches alright.”

I took a look at her blog and it said that I was the biggest jerk on earth and that I should be shot alongside with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. That made me mad. I don't even want to be compared to two right-wing, religious, redneck retarded neo-con-artists.

Then she showed me Penny's, and it said that I was a 'homofobic bastard' and a 'worthless piece of shit', misspelling 'homophobic.' That gave me a better reason to kill that plastic penis lover.

"I found out about them when I was at Hawt Couture, I went in the dressing and heard those two making noise in one of the stalls. So I went to the stall and peek under it and what I saw was those two gettin' busy wit' each other!"

No matter how many times I hear a story like that, it still makes my skin crawl.

"I wish I was there. I would have taken care of them right then and there."

"Well Charlotte tried to 'cure' both of them by taking them to one those Exodus things, which was nothing but bullshit really."

I shook my head and couldn't believe it. "Those Christian idiots do not realize that you can't cure them through the so-called 'Holy Spirit". The only way to cure them is with a bullet to their heads.

"Damn! That sounds like some George Romeo zombie shit!"

"Well the difference between rancid queers and zombies are that queers are real."

"I hear that. Anyways, the fucked up part about it is that their parents are cool about it, from what I heard. If my parents found out that I was gay, they would beat the shit outta me!"

"And rightfully so. But you know that after that, they would tell me about it and I would come there to straighten the situation out."

"Yes I know."

"Can you show me what they look like?"

She nodded in confirmation and then pulled up their picture. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cringe. They look like something that came out of Better Cooper and Veronica Lodge's ass.

"Oh shit, they look like the fake-ass version of Betty and Veronica!"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

Then she went on more about those losers. While she was telling me about them, for some reason they didn't remind me of Betty and Veronica. Especially the fact that Penny is the snobby, Republican one and Aggie is the liberal, Democratic one. They remind me of another pair of turkey-basters, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I really wanted to beat the shit out of them, especially pussy-peddler Penny. Not only that she's a dirty dyke, but that she's a retarded right-wing Republican. Two things I hate the most. That's why I'm #1 on the Log Cabin Republican's hit list.

"Anyways, I'm glad you told me. I'll be here for the next three days. I'll do a bit of investigation after the exchange. I will keep you informed, okay."

"Great!" she said as she shakes my hand.

"Well then, tell your mom and dad I said hi, will you?"

"No doubt!"

----

I've always said that information is more valuable to use on other people than money. One of my favourite books of all time is Sun Tzu's 'Art of Wall', and one of my favourite quotes from the book is "Know thy enemy." I want to know everything about my main targets and the others while I'm here in Riverdale... I mean Belleville. That how I succeed. I know my enemies better than they know themselves. So I had my men collect information during our time here. The shipment pickup was only for a few hours, so I had no problem doing this, and it also kept the men busy.

Samantha then called me the next day.

"Yo, I got more info that might be useful to you?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Them bitches will be at Penny's house again playing that sick-ass game they call Switch."

I shook my head in disbelief, "Ah shit... Not that game."

"You know about that mutha fuckin' game?"

"Yes, I know about that mother fucking game. It's where they 'switch' their sexual preferences and talk about who they would do of their opposite sexual preference. I killed the person who invented the game. He was a bi-bitch."

"Oh damn..."

"That cockroach had it coming. That game is worse than the bisexual version of 'Spin the Bottle' I tell you... As well, I'm glad that you told me about it. That would make it easier for me to plan an attack. Is there anything else."

"No nothing, but I'll keep you updated."

"Good. Thanks for everything. I'll pay you back handsomely. I should make some money for the pickup."

"Thanks a lot!"

"No problem."

----------

I had my girlfriend and partner in crime Maxine investigate Penny and Aggie. She then went to Hawt Coulture and went into the dressing room. They weren't there, so then she went to the bathroom and heard some noise. Sure enough, it was those two tongue-twisters making out. Quietly Maxine bends down and recorded it through her iPhone. Now we got incriminating evidence to get Penny fired if we need to. I have no problems resorting to that.

It was latter on after midnight at the park and we picked up some crates of meth and heroin. Some of it will go to the local drug dealer, while the rest will go to my headquarters in Jamaica where I'll sell them in European countries, South Africa, North America, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, and Argentina.

The following night around 10 PM, they were at Penny's, playing that sick shit. Her parents weren't around so that worked perfectly for me. Not that them being there was going to stop me, I would have to finish them off as well. Pretty much everybody was there, besides Samanta. Even Karen and Meg were there. I know some of you saying "What? They're Penny's enemies!" I know, I know, it doesn't make sense, but neither does Pennie and Aggie's sudden and very stupid relationship. So if T Campbell can make up stupid shit out of the air, then so can I.

Me and my crew had already watched for a little more than a half-hour and I was waiting for an opportunity to raid the place. I was also kind enough to bring a gift for the party, as it was in the possession of my crew.

The game was starting to get to me. "Man, what a stupid-ass game. Are all their parties like this?"

"From what Samantha told me, they once had a Fifties party." Maxine informed me.

"A fifties party? Like something from Archie comics?" She nodded her head. Then I shook my head and muttered to myself, "Man, what an Archie's rip-off this webcomic is. I'm surprised that Archie Comic Publications didn't go after these fruitcakes like they do to everyone else."

Finally it came when it was Brandi's turn.

"I want somebody who actually beat me in a game of hoops."

Katy-Ann was then blushing as red as a cherry.

The all of the sudden, everybody was attracted to her. It turned into an all-out skank-brawl. It was my golden opportunity. I waited for about a minutes, waiting for the girls to tire themselves a bit.

A minute passed and me and four of my crew members, including Maxine and my left-hand man Stealz, broke down the door and ran into the room with our guns out.

"Alright mother fuckers. The party is now officially over... Actually, the party just got more interesting. So you better do as I say and shut da fuck up!" I commanded with ruthless authority as I pointed my FN Minimi SPW at the group.

"It's you!" Daphne screamed.

I came up to her, cocked my hand back to behind my head and gave her the John McEnroe Special, a left-handed backhanded slap across her face.

"Didn't you hear me say 'shut da fuck up?!'" I screamed in her ear.

Then I calmly continued, "Well it sure ain't Archie Andrews, and we ain't the Archies. Hell yeah it's me, and I'm here to kick the queers asses. Ah fuck it, all of you are a bunch a homos, so I'll kick all of your asses. Don't try to use your cell, because we jammed the signal. I was once an Electrical Engineer, working for a telephone company, so I know cell phones inside-out. Don't even try to use the Internet; I brought that down as well."

They started to scream and panic. Some tried to escape but we made sure that they couldn't. After things got settled a bit, I continued.

"Look here. You assholes are nothing but a bunch of rejects from Archie Comics. It's time for me to..."

Jack rose up from his seat and challenged me.

"Man I bet you ain't so tough without a gun. I bet I can whip your sorry ass. I challenge you to a fight."

I looked at him and just smiled, "Challenge me to a fight?" Then I smirked and responded "No problem. Here honey, hold my gun." I handed the machine gun to Maxine. Then I gave him a challenge. "Come and take a shot at me." He doesn't know me too well. My speciality is hand-to-hand combat.

Jack charged at and swung, but I blocked it and I gave him a few shots to the stomach then a punch across his face. He stumbled, so that gave me a chance to grab him and slam him through the table. Then I stomp on his ribs a bit. I didn’t want to kill him at that moment. Jack was now bleeding. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, you wanted a challenge." I said to him. Then I turned my attention to the group and demanded, "Does anybody else want a piece of me? If you want some, come get some, cuz I have no problem giving all of you some."

Everybody in the room were frozen stiff. They were scared to take me on. Scared pussies. I thought it was time to participate in the game myself. However my version is a bit different.

"Since you pathetic freaks are playing 'switch', might as well play along as well." I said with a smile. Nobody didn't say a word.

"Good! But the switch I'm doing it quite different. I am going to let one of you go in exchange for someone else that I brought as a gift, so-to-speak. Can't say I didn't bring anything." I grinned.

A few of them we begging for me to pick them. I quickly made it clear who wasn't going to be picked. "If you’re a man who like that sauerkraut or a woman who loves petting the kitty, your pathetic gay ass is staying here." Right there about 85% of them shut their mouths. "Besides, I already made my pick." Then I looked at her and said "Michelle, you are free to leave."

Michelle was surprised as hell, so she asked, "Me?"

"Yeah you girl. It seems you were the person who enjoyed the game the least. Unless you want that sexually-confused dog over there to start humping your leg.” I said while pointing to Lisa. She was mad “So if I were you, I would get the steppin' fo' I start the hurtin'!"

"Oh I'm not complaining one bit. I just want to know who my exchange is."

"Oh, that's a good question, and I'm going to answer it right now. Stealz, bring that fucked-up bitch over here."

"A'ight boss."

So he went outside where the rest of my men were holding the 'gift' and he brought her in. She was struggling to get out of Stealz' grasp. Everybody was shocked.

"It's Cyndi!"

"That's right assholes. She's an evil, manipulative, bi-slut bitch and I'm gonna fuck her up."

"Fuck you, you asshole! You're no better than me!" Cyndi yelled back.

I came over there and gave her the John McEnroe Special. "Bitch, I ain't that ugly-ass, demented, Jesus-fanatic bitch Charlotte. I will kill your flaky-ass in a minute and those mind games won't work on me."

"Charlotte isn't ugly, you jerk!" Duane shouted in anger.

"Shut your Larry Elders, Clarence Thomas, Uncle Ruckus, Oreo-cookie-ass up! The bitch is ugly as the place she belongs to, hell, and so is her mama!"

I can't stand it when black men date ugly and/or fat white women. I mean if you’re going to sleep with the enemy, then at least sleep with one that looks good! I did, before... you know.

"Now let the games begin!" And we went right after the group. I went right after Duane. I need to teach this this Ding-Dong a lesson.

Duane then said to me. "I know who you are and I know what you're all about. You've been an embarrassment to us for a long time."

I wasn't one bit happy of his statement. "Me? An embarrassment to our group? Hey, I'm not the one who's going around trying to bang those wet-dog and mayonnaise smelling bitches, like OJ would. Look here you Oreo-cookie sucker! I'm gonna do you a favour and knock the black off of you. Then you'll have a perfectly good excuse for dating white bitches... Ugly white bitches!"

I punched him in the face a few times. After that I dragged him in the kitchen and poured milk all over him, to whiten him up. Then I threw him on the wall. Next up was Miss Beyonce-wannabe Brandi. She was terrified after she saw what I did to Duane.

"Don't hurt me please!"

"Look here you no-soul, cracker-loving, white-dick sucking, Beyonce-and-Vannessa-Williams-wannabe hoe! You better be afraid because I'm gonna give you the ass-kicking you deserve!" So I took a nearby vase and smash it on her head. After that, I yanked her by her extensions (you really think that hair of hers is natural? Please!) and punched her in the face. After that, I took her to the kitchen and dump flour on her, so now she can be like the rest of the honkies. Finally I grabbed her by her throat and strangle the bitch a bit, then I slammed her down the floor.

We were all beating the shit out of those losers, and I turned my attention to Karen. I took that pig-face of hers and smashed four Four Loko cans on it. Then I punch that bitch in the mouth, a few of her teeth came out. Next I came up to Stan and beat the shit out of him. He's a pathetic punk.

The rest of the crew tied the rest of the losers up, so that they won't be able to escape.

Now it's time to focus on the wretched queers. I knew I had quite of these bastards in my hands, so I needed a friend who can 'swing' the momentum to my favour. Introducing The Solution. A modified cricket bat with a titanium rod inserted. Outside it has that rainbow faggot flag with the words. "Smash Sexual Deviants Here! I got it from my trip to England.

In the house, there were some hamburgers, hot dogs, salmon burgers, and veggie-burgers. First I came to Fred and punch him in the stomach. Then I took a hot dog and smack that pipe-cleaner with it. "I though you fags love it when a piece of meat is slapping on your face!" After that, I grabbed some sauerkraut and shoved it down his throat. "I though you Nancy-boys love that shit since it taste like nut!" Then I used The Solution on him.

"This is for being a nelly... CRACK! And this is for worshipping Barbara Streisand, you ShowTunes listening, limp-wrist homo... CRACK! And this is for being a fruity, flaming, French, fire-hosing, fudge-packing, faerie cakes, faggot... CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!" He was lying on the floor, bleeding and hurt.

Next up was the Pussy Pals, Sara and Daphne. "What is it with you and your hatred for gay people."

"That fact that these degenerates are on this Earth. That's what. And don't forget I hate conservatives, religious people, and the French as well!" So I kicked Daphne in her chest and gouged Sara's eyes. Then I pulled out the vinegar from the kitchen and threw it on their face. They didn't like it. "That's weird, that's how pussy taste like!" So then I grabbed the salmon burgers and smack them in the face with it. You know dykes love that fish. I then went after Sara. "Well since you're the 'man' in the relationship, you gonna take a beating like a man!" I thrust my left first into her ribs, then I gave her a set of combos to her. She was very much hurt and bleeding.

I got my bat and started swinging like Albert Puljos. I went after the weak link first, Daphne.

"This is for being a horny dyke... CRACK! And this is for eating too much pussy, your breath smells like Halifax Harbour... CRACK! And this is for feasting on Sara's Pork and Broccoli, you dirty dyke... CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Then I went after Sara. "This is for being an overrated actress. Who are you kidding? You can't act one bit... CRACK! And this is for snacking on Daphne's smelly cherry... CRACK! And this is being the 'man' in the relationship, you wanna be butch dyke! It's time to take your beating like a man... CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

Next up was Cyndi. She's just plain fuck up. But then again, all bisexuals are fucked up. I grabbed her by her pig tails and thrust my knee to her face. Then I took one of the lamp post and smashed it on that pendulum's head. Then I pulled out the only thing I don't mind that's doing the swinging.

"Hey, here's a swinging partner you might like -"

"No! Not The Solution!"

"You damn right it is.... CRACK!" She wobbled a bit but she was still standing.

"This is for being an evil bitch... CRACK! And this is for being a stupid bitch in this webcomic..." CRACK! "And this is for lusting over Sara..." CRACK! " And this is for all the crap you gave us when we kidnapped you from the mental institution..." CRACK! " And this is for being a sick, nasty, disgusting, confused, flaky, scavenging, untrustworthy, backstabbing, philandering, bi-slut!" CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

She was lying on the floor with broken bones and blood all over her. That's how all bi-slut should end up. And speaking of which... I saw Lisa trying to escape but Maxine caught her and brought her to me.

"Here she is."

"Thank you." She was terrified, that's the way I like it. So I quickly grabbed her by her ragged red hair and swung her around the place making sure she hits every wall in the place. I was swinging that raggedy bitch like a Raggedy Ann doll. Hey, she's a bi-bitch, so I figure that she likes swinging. Then I grabbed that fence-jumper by her hair and smashed her head through the window. Now it was time to introduce her to my friend.

"Since you like to swing 'both ways', here's someone that like that as well. The Solution!"

"No! No! Anything but that! Anything but..." CRACK!

"Shut da fuck up! I don't want to hear any of your whining or stupid pop-culture shit from your mouth."

"This is for having too much of a mouth... CRACK! And this is for trying to escape.... CRACK! And this is for being a putrid, revolting, annoying, fence-jumping, pendulum-swinging, bi-slut..." CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

She was now in pain. Now I finally got to Penny and Aggie. I was saving my worst for last. I was looking at them and that though of whom they reminded me of was still lingering in my mind. All their friends were beaten and hurt, and there was no one to save their dyke asses.

Before I could do anything, Aggie opened her tuna-smacking mouth. "You are a hideous bigot! You should be ashamed of yourself for all the evil deeds you have done. Do you know how many people hates your spineless gut?"

I just smirked and told her, "The more they people hate me, the better I feel. Especially those people."

"Do you know that you will never get rid of us?! Do you realize that there's too many of us in this world?! Do you fucking realize that homosexuality and bisexuality is a fact of life?" Penny shouted.

When she said 'fact of life' it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I know what those two dildo-abusers remind me of. Jo and Blair...

"Now I know who you bitches remind me of. Those salmon-eating skanks from Peeksville, New York! Blair and Jo! Now I'm gonna kill you like how I did to them!

I grabbed them and smashed their heads together. Then I rubbed their face on the carpet.

"You two should be liking this. After all, you're carpet munchers."

After that I smashed their faces in all the windows in the house. Then I slammed them against the wall a few times. I dragged their dyke asses up the steps, making sure their heads hit every step along the way.

When I finally got to the top, Aggie, bloodied as hell, told me, "All the terrible shit you've done will catch up to you! You won't last long, you asshole."

I looked at Aggie with irrelevance and said, "I know it will last longer than your sorry-ass relationship."

"What!?"

"You two doughnut bumpers are exactly opposite. I don't think those New York Whores, Blair and Jo, were even this opposite.

"But opposites do attract!" Penny said.

"Bullshit! Only in real Chemistry and magnets! Besides, this ain't no Paula Abdul song! You two should never be together and truthfully, there will be nothing but fights and arguments with you two sorry Sappho sluts."

"What did you say!?"

"You heard me bitch! That punk T Campbell should end your relationship sooner than Usain Bolt finishes the 100! But I doubt it since his plot skills sucks, so I will!"

"Why you..." POW!

My foot connected Aggie's chin and she fell down the steps. Then I punched Penny and she too fell down the steps. When they finally reached to the ground, I giggled my ass off.

"How was your trip? Hahahahaha!"

They were hurt but I didn't give a shit as I went down there and grabbed them by their throats. Now it's time for them to see The Solution.

"You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have it, the facts of life, the facts of lfe..." CRACK!

But Penny wouldn't shut up.

"You won't get away with this. The police will find out and they will get you! Someone will kill you."

"Penny you know what SDFU is?"

"What?"

"SDFU."

"What's SDFU?"

"SHUT DA FUCK UP!" CRACK. I use The Solution on Penny's rib.

"This is for being a snobby bitch... CRACK! And this is for being an airhead... CRACK! And this is for reminding me of that snobby, rich-bitch Blair... CRACK! And this for being a cheap knock-off version of Veronica Lodge... CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!"

Then I came up to Aggie. "This is for being a total wierdo, like Lisa... CRACK! And this is being an annoying pain in the ass in the webcomic... CRACK! And this is for reminding me of that bulldyke Jo... CRACK! And this is for being an inferior knock-off version of Betty Cooper... CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! "

It was time to finish off these freaks, but I wanted to tell them a few things.

"Nobody can save any of you bitches. Not Archie Andrews, not Jughead, not Reggie Mantle, not Moose Mason, not Dilton Doiley, definitely not my boy Chuck Clayton, he knows better, not Midge Klump, not Nancy Woods, not Cheryl Blossom, not Mr. Weathebee, not Mrs. Grundy, not Mr. Flutesnoot, not Mr. Svenson, not Hiram Lodge, not Sabrina the Teenage Witch, not Josie and the Pussycats, not That Wilken Boy, and absolutely not Betty Cooper or Veronica Lodge."

"Not Tootie, not Natalie, not even that woman who could pass as a drag-queen Mrs. Garrett. Not Beverly Ann, not Andy, not overrated actor George Clooney, and not that Aussie bitch Pippa. Not Kelly, not that dumbass Miko, not that royal bitch Alexandra, not Blair’s twin Boots St. Clair, and not Blair’s retarded cousin Jeri. Not Mr. Bradley, not Nancy, not Blair’s favourite girl Cindy, not Sue Ann, and definitely not that ugly-ass bitch Molly Ringwald.”

"Not darklion, not Bo Lindbergh, not that aptly named NobodySpecial, not Ele, not Evil Bean, not Valerie, not retrophrenologist, not sentora, not bunnyThor, not Mr. Brightside, not that annoying dum bitch Alice Macher, not Gisele, not Jason, and absolutely, positively not that no-talent punk T Campbelle."

Now it was time finish these freaks off. "Stealz, get the gasoline cans, we're gonna torch these flaming faggots and female faggots." We tied Penny and Aggie up and threw them in room with the rest of the retards. Then we doused them with gasoline. I lit the match and dropped it in the gasoline-drenched rug.

It quickly filled the house and we watched in joy as those Archie Comic rejects were engulfed in a fiery inferno. It gives me such bliss to watch those people burn into crisp. But that's not the end of the story.

One of my crew members, Rodrigo, told me some news.

"I got word that there's a faggot living in Riverdale."

"That's old news. I had my tabs on Jughead for a long time. I knew that Joani thing was a scam!"

"No boss, it's someone else different. His name is Kevin Keller, and he really is a homo."

"Well that's some good news. Let's get over there and eliminate that punk. But first, we need to stop somewhere..."

---

At a place was a guy on his computer watching lesbian porn. Yes I'm talking about TCampbell. I kicked the door down and broke in with my shotgun loaded.

"Hey T Campbelle, have some of this!" POW!
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby unavoidablytiger » Fri Jul 01, 2011 12:43 pm

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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby taotu » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:14 pm

DaSolution wrote: One of my favourite books of all time is Sun Tzu's 'Art of Wall', and one of my favourite quotes from the book is "Know thy enemy."


Really? My favourite quote is: "Stone walls have the greatest longevity." Ooh, or maybe "A wall that opens is a gate", or- maybe- oh, how could I forget "when a wall has crumbled, it can be rebuilt".
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby rebochan » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:18 pm

You've been a busy little troll. Pulled the same crap on Red String. Though at least T. was spared the combination death threat/infanticide paragraphs at the end.

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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Pink Freud » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:20 pm

taotu wrote:
DaSolution wrote: One of my favourite books of all time is Sun Tzu's 'Art of Wall', and one of my favourite quotes from the book is "Know thy enemy."


Really? My favourite quote is: "Stone walls have the greatest longevity." Ooh, or maybe "A wall that opens is a gate", or- maybe- oh, how could I forget "when a wall has crumbled, it can be rebuilt".



We don't need no education...
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Valerie » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:24 pm

Troll wrote:I yanked her by her extensions (you really think that hair of hers is natural? Please!)


Strange observation for a fag-hater to make. Just sayin'.
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As usual.


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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby taotu » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:34 pm

Totally amused that Samantha is his ally. T writes Samantha too, buddy.

"That fact that these degenerates are on this Earth. That's what. And don't forget I hate conservatives, religious people, and the French as well!"


That and the bit where he names all the Archie characters made me laugh to the point of tears.

OH MAN AND WHAT WAS WITH THIS BIT:

I can't stand it when black men date ugly and/or fat white women. I mean if you’re going to sleep with the enemy, then at least sleep with one that looks good! I did, before... you know.


What.

But, yeah, seriously man. Way to troll.
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Valerie » Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:39 pm

Taotu, I think my favorite part had to be this:

Troll wrote:It was latter on after midnight at the park and we picked up some crates of meth and heroin. Some of it will go to the local drug dealer, while the rest will go to my headquarters in Jamaica where I'll sell them in European countries, South Africa, North America, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, and Argentina.


Just out of nowhere. XD This guy is totally some 12-year-old kid who just discovered that he can lie to sound cool online.
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As usual.


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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Lia S » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:30 pm

tl;dr

- problem?
Artemisia: if we cannot sympathize or understand then all we claim to be as human beings is just marsh gas
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Alice Macher » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:31 pm

Cool story, bro. However, allow me to point out a few spelling errors:

"Evil Ben," not "Evil Bean"

"Dumb," not "dum" (although I was genuinely flattered by the special mention; truly, I have made it)

And most importantly: "Campbell," not "Campbelle." Not only did you spell it wrong more than once, but if you're going to have your fictional persona fictionally murder someone, you should at least have the courtesy to get his name right. What if your fictional persona had gotten it wrong and murdered someone who was neither white nor homosexual nor bi? That would've been awful.

P.S. No way would Lisa die without getting in at least a half-dozen pop culture references and/or 4chan memes.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Mr. Brightside » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:34 pm

Alice Macher wrote:P.S. No way would Lisa die without getting in at least a half-dozen pop culture references and/or 4chan memes.


This almost sounds like a prompt.
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Alice Macher » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:45 pm

I'm going to assume you mean "prompt" as in "creative writing exercise." So. Get your keyboards out, aspiring scriveners, and try this one out:

Imagine Lisa faces a violent beatdown by a gangsta wannabe straight out of a Spike Lee ripoff movie. In fifty words or less, what would her last words be? You must use at least five of the following terms: "totes," "U mad?", "SRSLY," "YouTube Poop," "Batman," "Optimus Prime," "“ಠ_ಠ", "DO NOT WANT," or "weltanschauüng." You have ten minutes.
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Pink Freud » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:57 pm

Alice Macher wrote:I'm going to assume you mean "prompt" as in "creative writing exercise." So. Get your keyboards out, aspiring scriveners, and try this one out:

Imagine Lisa faces a violent beatdown by a gangsta wannabe straight out of a Spike Lee ripoff movie. In fifty words or less, what would her last words be? You must use at least five of the following terms: "totes," "U mad?", "SRSLY," "YouTube Poop," "Batman," "Optimus Prime," "“ಠ_ಠ", "DO NOT WANT," or "weltanschauüng." You have ten minutes.


Lisa glanced around nervously as the laser sight slowly moved up her face, crossed the bridge of her nose, and finally settled on her forehead, refracted for a split second by a bead of sweat making the reverse trip. "Holy Hollowpoints, Batman, U MAD? What did I do to become Megamouth to ur Optimus Prime? SRSLY, that popgun ur holding is a world of DO NOT WANT."

"Bang." said the man.

"Bang!" said the gun.
Last edited by Pink Freud on Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:08 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby Valerie » Fri Jul 01, 2011 3:58 pm

Alice Macher wrote:I'm going to assume you mean "prompt" as in "creative writing exercise." So. Get your keyboards out, aspiring scriveners, and try this one out:

Imagine Lisa faces a violent beatdown by a gangsta wannabe straight out of a Spike Lee ripoff movie. In fifty words or less, what would her last words be? You must use at least five of the following terms: "totes," "U mad?", "SRSLY," "YouTube Poop," "Batman," "Optimus Prime," "“ಠ_ಠ", "DO NOT WANT," or "weltanschauüng." You have ten minutes.


Ooh, ooh, me! *gets into character*

I got the crew together and we went to do some drugs and get drunk, because that is what cool people do. The we decided to be violent and hateful, because that is also what cool people do. It's not projection. I'm too dumb to know what "projection" even is-- dumb is also cool.

So I took out my bat named DA SOLUSHUN because that is a totally badass name and will certainly gain me some street cred. Then I went to find some half-dyke carpet-munching Raggedy Ann bi-slut bitch named Lisa who had never done anything mean to me except maybe bring my IQ down a few points with her constant memes. And trust me, that is mean. I don't have many IQ points to lose.

"Hey skank." I walked up to her and tried to tie her up. She struggled.

"DO NOT WANT."

"TOO FUCKING BAD, I AM GOD IN THIS FANFICTION BECAUSE I CLEARLY LACK CONTROL IN ALL OTHER ASPECTS OF MY LIFE AND NEED THE INTERNET TO FEEL EMPOWERED." So I tied her up anyway, even though Lisa would normally have kicked my pasty wannabe-G ass.

"Oh. U mad?" I don't know how she was able to talk back to me when I was clearly writing this fantasy fic only to pretend that I mattered, but she somehow did. "YEAH I'M MAD. YOUR HAIR IS SOOO FAKE. THE ART OF WALL SAYS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR ENEMY'S HAIR." CRACK CRASH BOOM POW SOUND EFFECTS INDICATING THAT A BAT IS BEING USED.

"Holy misconception, Batman! My hair is sooo totes not fake."

"YES IT IS, YOU BI-SLUT TUNA EATING VINEGAR-LOVING (AN: lawl wut) HALF-HOMO."

"Whoa, dude, srsly? You're the one talking about hair, gay-boi."

"AASFAGHSFAGHFHAS." CRACK CRASH CRACK CRACK CRACK I DON'T KNOW ANY OTHER SOUND EFFECTS BESIDES CRACK BECAUSE CRACK IS ALSO A DRUG AND DRUGS ARE COOL.

The end.
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Re: Yet another Agenny fanfic - Or is it?

Postby TCampbell » Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:26 pm

Man, I can't bring myself to delete this. It's a work of trolling art!

I mean, if it were three paragraphs long, I'd delete it without hesitation, but somebody really worked at this! Besides which, it doesn't seem to be provoking a lot of fighting, just snark. I apologize to anyone who finds it no laughing matter, but it's so over the top I can't begin to take it seriously.

But since it breaks The Rules like they've never been broken before, and I have little confidence that future efforts will be as entertaining, I am going straight to the banhammer.
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