Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:08 pm

...wax cylinder. And yes, we know they didn't have wax cylinder recording technology--nor, indeed, any recording technology--in the "Early Music" period, but since that was the earliest practical recording medium ever invented...that's what the Yeah Breeches offered.

"Great," said Demi, pouting, arms crossed. "Where am I supposed to find a cylinder phonograph outside a museum, or the Library of Congress?"

"I could build you one," said John.

"Really?" Demi's eyes lit up. She took hold of John's hands in her own and smiled at him. "You'd do that for me?"

"Yuh yuh yes, of course," said John, beginning to perspire in places he didn't know it was possible to perspire from. "Ahem. Go ahead, Demi, buy as many wax cylinders of this local musical concern as you like. I'll get started on the phonograph once we're back on campus."

So John, delegating the supervision of his sauce spillage experiments to Chessica for the time being, gathered the materials and built, with meticulous attention, a state-of-the-art-for-1890 cylinder phonograph machine. When it was ready, two days later, Demi held his hand as he loaded a Yeah Breeches cylinder and put the stylus in place.

To their astonishment, however, what played was not the expected two-minute recording of "Salve Nos furren ys murther! Domine," but...
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:13 pm

...a positively smashing recipe for lentil soup.

After writing the recipe down to try later, they put another cylinder on. This one, again, lacked music, instead playing a lost speech by Winston Churchill, wherein he spoke, at absolutely exhaustive (and exhausting) length about...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:02 pm

...his epic, all-night esoteric chess match with Aleister Crowley in 1943, while Sir Winston pretended to his aides he was merely finally getting himself a full night's sleep. The chess match involved four dimensions and pieces that could move themselves as directed, and even argue with the players about the wisdom of particular moves. Churchill said he found it a fascinating experience, even with Crowley's grating personality. The only thing that made him uncomfortable was the necessity (as the magus claimed) of playing the match naked.

"...Well. That was one for the history books," said Demi when the recording was over. "Or maybe not; some things are better left unmentioned."

"Indeed," said John, inwardly thanking the fates that she wasn't holding any of this weirdness against him. "Well, there's one more cylinder left. Shall we give it a go?"

"Play it, Sam--I mean John."

So John loaded what the label said was "Friar Tuck's Merrie sauver nostre terre! Lark," but played as Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

John and Demi looked at the phonograph. They looked at each other. They shrugged, smiled and took each other in their arms, kissing softly, tenderly.


Chessica and Macy, watching surreptitiously from the next room, cooed quietly as lubricant leaked from their eyes. Then they, too, began to kiss as Marvin crooned about how he wasn't gonna worry, wasn't gonna push, so his baby should stop beating around the bush, let's get it on...



There, now, wasn't that a lovely story? Aren't you happy for John finding twue wuv at last? No? ...What's that? You're jealous that he found it before you did? What kind of a small-minded, petty excuse for a--

-----

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the preceding narrator's inappropriately personal remarks. That narrator has been sacked. And now, we go back once more to 3Bad U. as Penny, taking Linguistics 101 in preparation for her eventual communications/P.R. concentration, discovers a language that, to her astonishment, doesn't contain a single...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Sat Apr 28, 2012 6:54 pm

...word.

Penny raised her hand. "Professor Morpheme, I don't understand. How can a language not have any words, not even through signing?"

"Well," said the instructor, "the Chowgrub language of the Serengeti region's Aha! nation has a unique way of communicating meaning. That way is food and drink, and the way they serve it to each other. For example, if one Aha! person, coming across another, smiles and offers a wildebeest rib, well-done, it means, very loosely translated into words, "Greetings, my friend! My soul delights in seeing your face which glistens like the Grumeti River in the midday sun."

"All that, from a single well-done rib?"

"Yes. It's an extremely intuitive language with subtle changes of meaning. You see, if an Aha! person were to greet a neighbour with the same smile, but instead offer a medium-rare wildebeest rib, that would mean, roughly, "May the ringworm of destiny behold you and...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:41 pm

...smile upon you, giving you joy and many children, who will also bring you much joy, and a lot of food.'

'...'

The professor tilted her head. 'Yes?'

'The Ringworm of Destiny gives good things?'

'And bad. The Ringworm of Destiny is one of their gods, and their gods aren't lined up along "good and evil" lines.'

'Their god is ringworm.'

'One of their gods. They're all worms.'

'But isn't ringworm a fungal infection?'

The professor sighed. 'Yes it is, but they made the same mistake the people who named it in English did. Now--'

'So, what other kinds of gods do they have? The Bait of Mastery?'

The professor rolled her eyes at the giggles and snickers that spread through the class. 'Don't think I didn't see what you did there, Ms Levac.' She shook her head. 'But since you asked, they also have the Earthworm of Prosperity - which makes sense because earthworms are good for keeping soil fertile - and the Pinworm of...
Can you hear me boy? Your devil is here!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:28 pm

...logically enough, Anal Itching."

The class said nothing in response; they just made "ewww" faces.

Prof. Morpheme smiled. "I trust I may move on now? So. Your assignment, due in two weeks: working in partners, create and present to the class examples of an activity-based, wordless language of your invention. You don't have to invent an entire functional language, of course; just some representative examples of typical messages and how two people would convey them to each other. Oh, and despite the ethos of this fine university...keep your presentations PG-rated, please." She winked. "See you Friday."


Penny partnered up with Susan, and they came up with a wordless language involving the display of footwear. (Again... in a PG-rated way. That wasn't either's fetish, nor their partner's, in any case.) For example, they decided that pointing your right stiletto heel at someone meant, "Please keep off the...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:38 pm

...grass, you dirty pot smoking hippy. Yes, I know. We all know. And we're telling you to stop it, dangit.'

Meanwhile buckling up your maryjanes in just the right way...
Can you hear me boy? Your devil is here!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:51 pm

...meant, "It wasn't me, officer. I'm innocent. Never in my life have I ever held up a...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:12 pm

...10:45 Greyhound bus, southbound for Tuscon, Arizona, on a Friday, armed with a frozen tempura fish wedge and a bottle of spray cheese.' (You'd be surprised how often that one comes up.)

But the one that impressed the prof the most, was removing your galoshes, then putting them back on meant...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Sat Apr 28, 2012 11:10 pm

..."Please, buddy, can you spare some change for a veteran of the Slimeless Biped War? Those dirty human-snatching aliens shot my earlobes clean off, ending my career as an earring entrepreneur and model. I hope to be approved for social security disability benefits, but in the meantime I have a wife, three school-age kids and an Irish terrier to feed. God bless."


"Very, very well done, ladies," said Prof. Morpheme. "A-plus for both of you."

Penny was in such a good mood after Linguistics, her last class of the day, that before she and Aggie went to the cafeteria for dinner, they engaged in some hot, hot...



...oh yes, the Slimeless Biped War. We forgot to tell you about that, didn't we? Well, it wasn't a long war, but it was decisive in letting nearby extraterrestrial interests know Earth was not a planet to screw with. It all went down three weeks previously, in late September, when the aliens from the planet Weirdtalkything showed up on Nick's and Missy's doorstep.

Nick sighed upon seeing them. "What do you want now, Weirdtalkythingians? I'm not being abducted again, am I?"

"Abduction | slimeless-biped-of | necessary | not." said the senior alien. "Slimeless-biped-hatchling | we-with-you left | where-is | question."

"Wolf-Rayet? She's not living here anymore. She matured so quickly that she went off on her own. I'm... not sure where she is, currently."

"See | I. | You| your-time-for | thank | we | slimeless-biped."

They then tracked Wolf to the Department of Really Complicated Quantum Cosmology at NASA. "Slimeless-biped-hatchling | greetings. | Different | look | you | why | question."

"Yes, I'm a cyborg now," she said, arms crossed. "Something about the incubator in which you brought me to term caused me to age so rapidly that I was concerned I'd die within a year or two, before I'd managed to accomplish much of anything."

"Permission-our | self-modification-for | gave | we | not. | Nevertheless | you | for-study | our-planet-to | now | shall-take | we."

"Certainly not!" Wolf's cyber-nostrils flared. "I'm an adult, my own person, and as I recall, you abandoned me. But my family and friends here on Earth love me, and I them. So as far as I'm concerned, you and I are quits. Please be so kind as to fuck off out of my life forever, do."

She shut the door in their faces. Undaunted, they disintegrated it and abducted her, speeding away to Weirdtalkything. Fortunately, she managed to mentally text her "sister" Metta, who decided she and the other Earthlings she knew and loved had had quite enough of this nonsense. So although she was normally a pacifist, as her name would suggest, she bit her cyber-lip and went straight to the Pentagon.

"ABDUCTIONS?" said Leslie Hapablap, now a Five-Star General, after listening to her report. "DO THESE ALIEN SCUM REALIZE WHO THEY'RE DEALING WITH?" He picked up the receiver of a red telephone on his desk. "MR. PRESIDENT? HAPABLAP HERE--oh. Yes, you're absolutely right, sir; there's no need for me to shout. Sorry, sir. Anyway, we got ourselves a situation here..."

President Obama listened. "Yes, thank you, General. Yes, I agree; this means war. I'll convene Congress ASAP and, assuming they authorize it (I mean, c'mon, it's Republicans we're talking here), we'll then get in touch with NATO and the UN, and do this thing. At the head of our nation's forces will be Belleville's own hero...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:58 am

...Meaty Mouse, Inky D'Amour's super-powered alter-ego."

(What, you thought it was going to be Lisa? She has more than enough on her plate already, geez.)

How did intellectual Inky become an SPI, you ask? It all started a week prior to the Slimeless Biped War, when he unknowingly ate a piece of cheese that had fallen from the...
Last edited by Alice Macher on Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:29 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Sun Apr 29, 2012 4:11 am

...ISS.

... What? How did cheese not burn up coming from the International Space Station? What are you...? Oh, wait...I see it. No, not that ISS.

This is the Itinerant Sausage Soiree. It was passing by Nick's (where the rodents were staying while the girls were at 3Bad), when a hunk of Limburger (which was to be served with the new Gamma Infused Knockwurst) fell off the bus, and rolled into the yard, where Inky had been allowed to go out and frolic, after Nick extracted a promise from Charles (who was visiting from the Levacs - not willing to admit he missed the rodents and girls, he made the excuse that Inky owed him money - rather transparent, as neither of them carries, nor even needs, money) to protect him from other cats (and dogs, and birds of prey).

After eating the irradiated (and sausageified) dairy product, Inky gained the power to...
Can you hear me boy? Your devil is here!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Sun Apr 29, 2012 6:36 pm

...fire very fine, but extremely powerful, heat energy blasts from his tail. He could also breathe in space and fly. Finally, although not relevant to the mission at hand, he could now make the world's best cheese fondue even if only processed cheese spread was available.

The war was a fairly easy victory for Earth because, as it turned out, the Weirdtalkythingians were good at abductions but exceptionally bad at combat. Apparently, never before in their twenty thousand years of civilization had an entire planet gotten so pissed off at abductions of one-to-two inhabitants at a time, that they were willing to go to war over it. So, much to Aggie's relief--her "Make Fondue Not War" protest was not very popular--it was all over in just under three Earth-days.

Sara, Daphne, Susan and Metta greeted Wolf with hugs and kisses upon her safe return to Earth. Meanwhile, at 3Bad, Penny, Aggie, Jade and others watched CNN in the dorm lounge as the "Slimelord | Most-High" of Weirdtalkything announced his planet's unconditional surrender:

"All-abductions | slimeless-bipeds-of | immediately | will-stop | we. | Never-again | us | will-see | you. | Us | out-wipe | do | not | please | request. | Sorry | are | we | Slimeless-Biped-Planet. | Adieu | leavetaking."

"Thank God that's over," said Penny. "Following those bastards' syntax was giving me a headache."

"I know, right?" said Aggie. "I just wish we could've tried negotiating before we went to war." She sulked.

Penny rolled her eyes. "What was there to negotiate? They wanted to abduct Earthlings. We wanted them...not to. Besides, even with the combined might of NATO, the UN and Inky, most of the Weirdtalkythingian casualties were self-inflicted. They were just that incompetent. As for our side, the most serious injury sustained was, not surprisingly, Elmer, who lost an arm to a passing comet when he tried to pull a 'Major Kong' and rodeo-ride a, a buh buh bomb...eeheeheeheeheeee..."

Aggie glowered at her. "It wasn't funny, Penny. Not even when he waved a cowboy hat and shouted "WAHOO...hoohoohoo ... heeheehee... ahahahahaha..." She collapsed into Penny's lap.


The next day, in Washington, Inky/Meaty Mouse was the featured hero in a victory parade. The Secret Service agent beside him in the car had to keep reminding him not to do his little dance, for safety reasons. ("Although a very cute dance it is indeed, Mr. Mouse, sir.") At the parade's conclusion, Inky climbed a tiny podium on top of a human-sized podium and gave a speech in which he thanked Penny, Aggie, Nick, Missy, Copenhagen, Charles and his fellow combatants and officers. "But most of all, I'd like to thank...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Sun Apr 29, 2012 7:07 pm

...the Weirdtalkythingians, because, without them, I would never have gotten the chance to be a hero.'

The entire audience looked at him for a moment, then, as one, responded to that comment in the only way they could - they...
Can you hear me boy? Your devil is here!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Apr 29, 2012 7:17 pm

...asked if he could make some of his celebrated cheese fondue. It was difficult for them all to coordinate voicing that request at the same time, but they knew Meaty Mouse meant well with that last comment. And, because he struck them, even with his immense power, as such a cute little mousie, the crowd wanted to help him save face. Also, it had been a long parade and people were hungry.

Someone dispatched an extra Secret Service agent to buy some cheddar, herbs and spices, some French bread for dipping, a large cooking pot, and a hotplate, after which Inky got cooking.

The result? Fondue so heavenly good that Inky received the Congressional Medal of...
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