Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:28 pm

...-Effective, a short, frequently-reprised number in which the Amazing Spider-Hair would demonstrate verbal/musical power moves against the elements of SRS BZNZ. (Yes, Lisa was rumoured to have had a hand in the writing of the musical's book and lyrics.)

Other standout numbers from Pay 4 Times the Value of Dice were: "The Internet Is for File-Sharing," "Everyone's a Little Bit Honeybadger" and "If You Were Semidemibrevesexual (That Would Be...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Mon Apr 23, 2012 12:10 am

...Pretty Much Ace)"

But, the real standout is the second act climax, "Suddenly...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Mon Apr 23, 2012 12:28 am

...See More of Me." Which went over extremely well with audiences because that's when Good Cyndi (but not Lucy) got naked. ("Since that keeps happening to me in public anyway," she told Us magazine, "it might as well be when I'm not only expecting it but also get paid for doing so.")

The musical did so well, in fact, that Cyndi was able to buy a complete replacement foam-and-fur body for Bo, which he'd badly needed after years of working with caustic cleaning acids and alkalis. Don't worry, he still looked like the same ol'... whatever he is.

As for Lucy, the musical's success enabled her to buy what she'd always wanted, as a little farm girl back in Idaho: a giant, toy Mr. Potato...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Wed Apr 25, 2012 12:15 am

...Cannon, industrial grade.

In retrospect, Lucy would come to regret this purchase, because the first barrage of potatoes she fired from it not only transcended the sound barrier and created teeth-rattling shockwaves, they also broke through...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Wed Apr 25, 2012 4:56 pm

...the fourth wall.

"The HELL?" you, the reader, said, as you rushed toward the source of the crashing sound you'd just heard within your home and saw, amidst the plaster and drywall debris, a befuddled young woman holding a potato cannon.

"Uh...hi," said Lucy. "Can you, like, tell me where I am?"

"You're in my home, Lucy. What's left of it, anyway."

"Oopsie! Sorry. --Wait, how d'you know my name?"

You explained how, using as many one-syllable words and short sentences as possible.

"I'm a webcomic character?" she said. "Wowwow. On the one hand, that's kinda cool. On the other hand, it's kind of scary. But on the other hand, I--wait, I only have two hands. I'll stop now. Um. Mind if I crash here for a bit?"

You rubbed your temples and sighed. "Look, Lucy, you're a sweet girl, and sometimes even wise in your own way, and I, like other readers, enjoy following your adventures. But um--fictional people and real people aren't supposed to mix. It's just... it doesn't work that way."

Lucy pouted. "I'm a real person." She put her finger to her chin and looked up and off in the distance. "Aren't I? I mean, you and I are talking right now, and also, I've somehow managed to wreck your home--again, I am so, so sorry about--"

"Yes, fine. Let's just say people from my world and people from your world aren't supposed to mix. Because to my world, you're supposed to be a webcomic and a fanfic character, both safely contained within the computers that host you and the computers, like mine over there, which connect to the host. And to your world, I... well, you shouldn't even be aware that my world exists. Lisa's aware, true, but she's the only one, and it's only the version of Lisa in some of the fics. You follow?"

"K...inda. So if what you're saying is true, how do we get me back safely in my world and forgetting about your world?"

You sighed and sat down. "I've no idea. Until a few moments ago, I didn't even know what just happened here was even possible."

You started at a voice behind you, which said, "Maybe I can help." You turned to see...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


Go ask Alice; I think she'll know.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:01 pm

...me.

Yes, I, Kamino Neko, the Masked Ac...er...no, just Kamino Neko, am standing behind you. (Yes, this is in the present tense, now...that just makes more sense for the current situation.) Well, in front of you, now, since you turned to look at me.

'Hello!' I wave to you.

'How did you get in here?' You narrow your eyes at me.

I blink at you, for a few moments. 'Oh, yeah. I should probably explain that before you call the cops, huh?' I laugh. 'So, yeah, see...







... You left the door open.'


'... What was with that long pause?'

'Fake transition.' I grin.

'You're insane.' Somehow you don't fear me, despite coming to this conclusion. 'So, ok, that's how you got in. Why are you here?'

'Simple, my dear reader, simple.' I stuff my hands in my pockets. 'I'm here for her.' I nod at Lucy.

'Thank God that wasn't another fake transition...' You shake your head. 'I don't think I could have stood that. And, OK, that kind of makes sense. But, ah...I have to ask you one more question.'

'Shoot.'

'Are you controlling me now? I mean, you're the writer...well, one of them...and you usually write her, and now I'm having a conversation with her, and everything...'

'Ah.' I blink a few more times. 'Well, see...the answer is that I...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:27 pm

...am not controlling you."

You breathe a sigh of existential relief, which turns to a hiccup of horror as Kamino Neko vanishes and I, Alice Macher, take her place.

"Or, rather," I say, helping you back into your seat, "Kamino Neko was controlling you, in the previous post. What you saw and heard at the beginning of this post was my version of her completing the real Neko's sentence and then fading away. Now I'm writing you."

"But... but..." You rifle through your hair. "I don't understand. If I'm one of the Tea Room visitors, and both you and Neko are Tea Room visitors too, then how can either of you be pulling my strings? Aren't we all in the same reality?"

"Well... yes and no. You see, I...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:46 pm

...am not controlling the real you, reading this, but a representation of you as a generic Tea Room reader. Also, I'm now Tamar. Hi." I bow, although it's somewhat cruelly ironic, given the situation.

"Uhhhh... hi. Give me a moment?" You close your eyes and silently repeat your full name, your address, and the sum of two plus two, just to verify you're still sane. When you open your eyes, I, Tamar, am still here.

"Hey."

"Hey. Um, so, are you saying that I'm not the real me? That the real me is someone else who's not a 'generic representation?' But... 'someone else' can't be me. I am I, and someone else is someone else and AUUUUUUGGGGH--"

Lucy steps away from the foetal ball you've curled into on the floor, and taps me on the shoulder. "Um... Tamar, is it? Can I go back to my world now?"

"Sure, honey," I say, and take her hand. "Right this way..."


*********

Lucy found herself back at the toy store in Idaho, seconds before she'd chosen the potato cannon. Only this time, as if someone--what was her name, again? Talia? Alison? Kandice Nikola? She could no longer remember--had whispered into her ear, she chose to spend her money from the musical on something else. She decided to buy herself a swimming...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


Go ask Alice; I think she'll know.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:57 pm

...spool.

No, that was not a typo for 'swimming pool', nor an attempt to spell it as though it was said by Toki Wartooth, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, or Sal. It is just what it sounds like. A spool (of twine) that swims.

What is the purpose of a swimming spool of twine, you may ask? It's simple, you...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:53 pm

...can use it to clean up household spills too big for paper towels to handle. Also, you can teach it "water rodeo" tricks. Buy several, and you've got yourself a water polo team! Fun for the whole family!

Swimming Spools.™ Because you can't spell "spool" without "s."®


And now, after the preceding word from our sponsor, we go to the Department of Really Complicated Science Believe Me, at Harvard, where JJIII and the girlbots were hard at work uncovering the secret of... sauce.

The "secret of sauce?" What, you* may ask, is that supposed to mean? Well, simply put, John wanted to find out once and for all why it is that sauces tend to...



* Don't worry, we had Bob, Wolf and Metta fix the fourth wall. You're safe now, really.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:31 am

...spill on oneself only when one is wearing light colours.

They were puzzling over their lack of initial results in the chemistry lab, when John heard an unfamiliar voice say, "I'd suggest raising the pH level by 0.23."

"Really," said John, lifting his head with a tsking sound. "And who are you to, to, tuhhhhhhhh..."

John looked at the speaker, a striking dark-haired woman, nineteen years of age, of Mexican, Irish and Italian heritage. His mouth could no longer form words. In his mind, he heard Tchaikovsky's Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet (specifically, the excerpt they always play on TV and in movies when... well, you can probably tell).

The woman smiled at him. "Oh, I'm sorry. I really should introduce myself first. I'm Demi Lovato. Hi." She held out her hand.

"And, and, and I'm Son Johnjohn." He held out his foot, then realized that wouldn't work, and extended his hand instead. Unfortunately, it was the wrong hand, but Demi grinned and shook it anyway.

"Nice to meet you, um, Son. I take it you don't recognize me, then?"

"From whuh whuh where?" John was beginning to wish he'd used more anti-perspirant that morning.

Macy walked up beside him. "Sir, Ms. Lovato is a pop singer and former Disney Channel actress."

He looked at his personal assistantbot quizically.

"We all can connect to the Internet, remember?" she said, then turned to Demi. "I'm afraid John--that's his actual name--doesn't have much time for popular entertainment diversions. He's married to science."

"Muh muh married?" said John, and instantly pictured himself at the altar with this dark-haired demigoddess. (Oof.) Then he shook his head to snap himself back to reality. "Ahem. To science. That is correct, as Macy here, and my other girlbot assistants, could tell you."

In fact, Macy and her fellow bots were now peering rather narrow-eyed at their creator.

Demi nodded. "I understand. Truth to tell, I've gotten a bit disenchanted with all the pressures of the entertainment/tween idol scene myself. It doesn't allow me to pursue my first love, the study of really complicated science. So I've enrolled here at Harvard. I've been assigned to share this lab with you and your wonderful assistants here, due to lack of space."

Normally, John would have been indignant at the very thought of having to share "his" Harvard lab with another researcher. But somehow... this felt right. Oh, so very, very right. "Muh muh make your home at self, Demi," he said. "Would you like some coffee?"

Demi nodded, so Macy said, "I'll get some. Milk, cream and or sugar, Ms. Lov--?"

"Uh!" said John, holding up his hand. "I insist on procuring it myself. It's the least I can do for my new life partner. Lab partner. Yes." He hurried off to the break room.

"I don't get it," said Mono Polly to Chessica in a whisper, some distance off. "All that time we spent chasing after him, before we paired off with each other, and he showed absolutely no interest whatsoever. Hadn't we concluded John was asexual?"

"Mm, yes," said Chessica, also whispering. "That seemed like the most reasonable conclusion at the time. But this new data suggests that our creator, boss and friend is in fact--demisexual."


Once you've finished groaning and perhaps throwing rotten produce, join us next time as John attempts to court Demi by asking her out to...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


Go ask Alice; I think she'll know.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Thu Apr 26, 2012 9:38 pm

...a study grope.

No, that's not a mistake. John thought it was, however. So, the two of them were rather surprised by what was going on and beat a hasty retreat.

'I...ah...' John, who'd turned a rather incandescent red, stammered. 'I had no idea that was...ah...what it was going to be. Hah...'

'Right.' Demi was only slightly less red. 'That was unexpected.'

'Yeah. Very. I don't want to....ah, that is, I wouldn't try to... Ah!' John straightened, and composed himself. 'To make up for the mistake, why don't we, instead, go to...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Alice Macher » Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:11 pm

...the Stephen Hawking lecture at Sanders Theater?"

"Sounds lovely," said Demi. "I'd be interested to see how his latest cosmological research is coming along."


About fifteen minutes into the lecture, John noticed an error in the key equation supporting Hawking's latest theory. He was sorely tempted to raise it during the question period at the end, but when that time arrived, he feared that Demi would think he was an arrogant show-off. So instead, he sat on his hands, bit his lip and sweated. By Einstein's ghost, all he has to do is correct the omega value. I must tell him BUT NO I MUSTN'T DEMI WILL HATE ME...It'll be over soon; just hold on, Johnson.

Finally, the moderator asked if there were any further questions for Prof. Hawking. John made ready to applaud, false as such applause would be from him, when Demi stood up. "Yes, I just wanted to point out that in your second, central equation there, the omega value should be 66.07 picobohrs, not 66.06, otherwise the hyperinflation at one nitpicosecond after the Big Bang would form a convex, not concave, pattern and collapse upon itself."

The audience gasped and muttered. "Impudent woman!" and "Let's not listen!" were among the cleaner utterances. But Hawking, to his credit, pressed the airhorn button on his wheelchair for silence, and then rechecked the equation.

"By Planck," he said after a minute. "She's absolutely right. Young lady, what is your name please? I'd like to list you as co-author on my next paper for Really Prestigious Annals of Astrophysics."

As the worshipful crowd gathered around Demi, John sat with head in hands. What hurt the most wasn't that she had spoken up to point out the error, when he'd kept silent. No, it was that her correction was, well, more correct than what he would've said.

Could John swallow his pride and win Demi over? Perhaps if he took their next outing to neutral territory. Something non-complicated-science related. Say, the free concert in Harvard Square, given by the guerilla folk trio, the Yeah...
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Tamar » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:25 pm

...Breeches, who specialized in late medieval/Renaissance folk songs, played on a lute, zither, and hurdy gurdy. Encoded within them were subversive messages. Unfortunately, these messages were in Middle English, Norman French, or Latin, so as a consciousness-raising trio the Y.B.s weren't very effective.

Nonetheless, their performance of "The Ballad of Bonny Julia America ex ubique! O'Lally" struck a chord in Demi, and she reached over to grab John's...
Rebhel wrote:I happen to like Lisa BECAUSE of the way she speaks. If you don't get her, oh well... you are the one missing out.


Go ask Alice; I think she'll know.
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Re: Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Baco

Postby Kamino Neko » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:30 pm

...program, to see if there was any information on where to buy CDs.

Which, in fact they did not. In line with their generally anachronistic nature, their songs were only available recorded on...
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