Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Alice Macher]

...both create and solve paradoxes of all kinds."

"That... actually makes sense," said a relieved Duane.

"Wellll," said Lisa, "it does and it doesn't. You see--"

"AAAAAARGH!" Duane clutched his head and ran off.



When Daphne's fingernails returned to normal, she called Lisa to thank her and then took Susan home with her to celebrate the restored use of her hands by... using them.

Just as Daph was about to take Susan's bra off, the doorbell rang.

"GODDAMNIT!" she said, then sighed. "Welp, guess I better go answer it. Could be a package for the 'rents or something."

As Susan put her top back on, Daphne, who was still fully dressed, answered the door.

"Hello, mother."

Daphne blinked twice and nodded at Wolf-Rayet, who had aged physically to age twelve. Cognitively, of course, she was far, far off the IQ scale, as before.

"Hello, Wolf-Rayet. I didn't expect to ever see you again." Daphne's voice was neutral.

Wolf-Rayet blushed and rubbed the back of her head. "Yes, well. I wish to apologize for my arrogant, undaughterly-like behaviour of last fall. Since that time, I have mastered several schools of meditation practice, in order to enhance my thinking even more. This has had the unexpected byproduct of giving me compassion for all beings." She hugged Daphne. "Thank you for giving me life, even if, due to my artificially-induced rapid aging, it will be a short one. I love you, mommy."

Daphne stood still like a rod for a few seconds. Then, just as abruptly, she returned Wolf-Rayet's embrace. "BAWWW! I love you too, sweetie."

Susan rushed to the door. "Daph? What's--oh my God." Soon, all three of them were hugging each other and weeping with joy. Yeah, we lay it on thick here, in ol' CtSland.


Fifteen minutes later, the three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea. "So, Wolf-Rayet," said Susan. "What've you been up to, besides enlightenment? The last time we saw you, you'd mentioned something about wanting to go into astrophysics?"

Wolf beamed. "That's right, Stepmommy."

"'Susan' is fine, love."

"Susan. I'm sorry. Well, I'm happy to announce that since acquiring my Ph.D. and becoming Director of Really Complicated Quantum Cosmology at NASA, I've discovered a new form of energy that could potentially save the universe from attaining heat death, 10^100 years from now."

(At home, Penny's eye suddenly twitched, and she had no idea why. She shrugged and went back to playing with Inky and Copenhagen.)

"Awesome," said Daphne. "Would that have any drawbacks?"

"Just one I've been able to identify through computer modelling," said her daughter, "and that's an increase in what I call energy wendigoes which, if unchecked, could...

[Kamino Neko]

...make the whole universe go wendi.'

Susan and Daphne looked at her.

'That would be bad, Moms.'

Susan and Daphne looked at her.

'Real bad.'

'Yes, dear, we figured as much.' Susan smiled. 'But how, exactly, would it be bad? What does it mean?'

'Oh. Right. Well...

[Tamar]

...it causes planets to cannibalize other planets. It's...odd, I know, but that's what the computer models indicate. Hence the term 'wendi' or 'wendigo.'"

Susan thought for a moment. "There are a few people in Tackleford, UK who've had experience dealing with living wendigoes. Three of them are, actually, around your age. Chronologically. Maybe by learning from them about how those beasts operate, you might be able to apply it to wendigo psychosis in planets?

Wolf-Rayet stared at her stepmother for several beats. Susan wondered whether she'd said something incredibly ignorant and whether she'd have to apologize to Daph afterwards.

Finally, the girlwoman said, "That idea is so absurd...that it's exactly what I need to do. Thank you, Susanmommy." She threw her arms around her and kissed her on the cheek.

"D'aww, you're welcome, hon. I'll see if I can get you Shauna's, Lottie's and Mildred's contact info. They solve weird mysteries. Somehow. They are also very odd. Like the whole town, really. But then we Bellevillians can't really talk."

"I hear you. On Mars, for instance, there's this town that's so peculiar, the Martians there are all...

[Kamino Neko]

...thought they were on Earth. The poor deluded saps. The rest of the planet was glad that nobody ever left the town.'

Susan and Daphne looked at her, and decided not to ask the obvious question, since they weren't sure they wanted to know the answer. (Which, was 'yes, the Martians think of Earth as the "stupid planet".')

W-R soon was on her why to the UK - she'd decided to fly in a plane, rather than going under her own power, because she thought it might be interesting.

And, right she was...the plane was about halfway across the Atlantic when...

[Alice Macher]

...all the engines crapped out at once, and the plane began to lose altitude.

Wolf disregarded the screaming around her and thought for exactly 2.4 seconds. "You," she said to the flight attendant making her way precariously down the aisle while saying Hail Marys under her breath. "I'm a registered super-powered individual Class B,* so listen: I can save us. I'll need two bags of almonds--roasted, but not sugared--three plastic drink stirrers, a standard ballpoint pen--that one in your pocket will do nicely--and four of those little bottles of vodka. No, not to drink; I'm only chronologically twelve."

The attendant nodded and rustled the items up. Wolf, combining them with her set of headphones, the foil from the chewing gum she'd brought with, and a baretta from her hair, teleported herself in front of the wing (it was a Boeing 737) and did science to the engines. Within 65.7 seconds, they were up and running again, and the aircraft regained altitude.

Upon landing in Heathrow, she patiently underwent three security debriefings and a press conference. Although eager to head off to Tackleford, Wolf found she couldn't graciously turn down award ceremonies at Number 10 Downing Street and Buckingham Palace, so she endured these as well, while thinking up ways to demonstrate experimentally the existence of tachyons. You know, for fun.

Eventually, she was free to take the train into Tackleford, where she met up with Shauna, Lottie and Mildred after school. She listened keenly as they told her all about wendigoes, including not just their own experiences thereof, but that of one Eustace Boyce ("But everyone 'round here calls him The Boy") and a French girl named Elodie, now both in their early twenties, who'd discovered as teens that France's Easter Bunny was a wendigo in disguise.



"All right," she told her moms upon her return home. Sara, her "father," was also present. (Susan: "C'mon, Sar. Daph won't bite; I'll make sure. And Wolf really wants to meet you.") "After reviewing my notes, I've determined that the most workable way to prevent my discovery, 'somewhat dim energy,' from causing planetary cannibalism, while still allowing it to stave off maximum entropy, is to set up camp within the southwest spiral arm of the Andromeda Galaxy and spin...

* For "Brain," of course.

[Tamar]

...tales, for the somewhat dim energy's benefit, of why cannibalism is wrong and ends up hurting the cannibal in the end as well as the cannibalized. Done correctly, this should cause a chain reaction affecting all such energy throughout the universe, and thus preventing planets in contact with it from going wendigo."

"And would it be you who'd be spinning those tales?" said Sara.

"Oh heavens, no," said Wolf. "My genius doesn't lie in the creative arts. That's why I'm telling you about my plan. Perhaps you know someone who is an expert story-weaver?"

"Well," said Daphne, "Lisa tells great stories. I think she should be your first choice. I'll call her."


Luna, visiting Belleville at the time, answered the phone at the Winklemeyers'. "I'm sorry, Daph, but Lisa made a very insensitive remark today, to the effect that she wished she had a real magical challenge such as facing off against Vol--against You-Know-Who. So I'm making her sit in the corner and think about what she did."

"I said I was sorry!" came Lisa's voice faintly.

"Well, you just sit there a bit longer until I'm sure you mean it. --Again, my apologies, Daphne."

Daph suppressed a giggle. (And was also kind of turned on.) "It's okay, Luna. We can find someone else. Thanks anyway. Bye."


The next person they asked was...

[Kamino Neko]

...Aggie. 'But no poetry. We want to prevent them going homicidal.' Daphne raised her finger, pontificatingly. (Yes, that is a word. Shut up!)

Aggie declined the honour, and wandered off, muttering about how nobody appreciates true art.

Finally, they went to the last option Daphne could think of. Mr Machrie.

Mr Machrie pondered the offer he'd been given. 'Well, I think...

[Alice Macher]

...I can help your daughter. As it happens, Archie Comics, last year, commissioned me to write a storyline inspired by Shakespeare, as part of their recent efforts to shake things up creatively. So I came up with Tate-us Veronicus, which deals in fact with the tragic effects of cannibalism. I'd be pleased to do a one-person dramatization of it for the energy in question."

So off went Machrie and Wolf-Rayet to the southwest spiral arm of the Andromeda Galaxy, where they set up a makeshift stage and spotlight. Machrie did his thing, and although the somewhat dim energy found some of his staging choices jejune, it listened politely and, in the end, found its message convincing.

Upon her return to Earth, Wolf used the Hubble Space Telescope to get readings on that energy type throughout the visible universe, and sure enough, zero wendigoism was detected. Pleased at having saved untold numbers of planets from death, she submitted a paper to the peer-reviewed Nuh Nuh Nuuuuuuuuh Nuh...SCIENCE! Journal (founded by a former eighties new wave musician), and pondered her next project.

"After all, mommies," she told Daphne, Susan and Sara, "I have limited time on this Earth--I now have the body of a sixteen-year-old--so I must make the most of it."

"Yeah, about that," said Susan. "We were thinking, and, well, you know we love you very much and don't want to lose you so soon. And it occurred to us that we don't have to."

"What do you mean?"

"What we mean," said Sara, "is that before your biological body starts to go, you could upload your mind into a robotic body that, with proper maintenance, would last indefinitely."

"That...is such a fine idea, I'm ashamed I was too romantically preoccupied with mortality and transience to think of it. I've just one question...

[Kamino Neko]

...if this is possible, why doesn't everyone do it?'

Daphne and Susan didn't have an answer. They knew there must be a reason, and it wasn't just 'nobody'd ever thought of it', but they couldn't even answer for themselves. (Little did they know it would turn out to be a non-issue for them. But that's another story.)

So, for the answer, they went to the wisest person they knew.

Darren Danfo--whatthehell?--rth.

Darren looked at them, and grinned. 'Hi, Daphne. Susan. Thanks again for helping reattach me to my body. It would have been really inconvenient to be stuck in astral form forever.'

'Not a problem, Darren.' Susan smiled back. 'We have a question for you...'

'Two, actually...' Wolf raised her hand. 'My mommies told me about you, and you don't sound very wise.'

'Wolf!' Susan and Daphne scolded her (...but both were having trouble hiding smiles).

'Ah, well, I suppose I wouldn't mi...wait, mommies?' He looked at Daph and Susan, then at Wolf...then shrugged. 'I suppose I wouldn't, miss, but...

[Tamar]

...when you're free from the constraints of linear time, you'd be surprised how much knowledge you can pick up. I've set some of it down in this book of aphorisms, D'oh De Jing." He handed her the manuscript, and Wolf read:

The D'oh that can be tripped over is not the eternal D'oh.
The Oops that can be spilled is not the eternal Oops.
Unnamed, it is the Argh of all things...

"That...is indeed profound, I'm sure," said Wolf. "Now to our main question: if, as my parents here say, it's possible to cheat death by uploading one's mind into a robot and live on as a cyborg, then why don't more people do it?"

"Simple," said Darren. "Money. Most people don't have the money. The estimated cost is...let me bring it up on my laptop here...whoops! dropped it on the floor...loading the document...agh! spilled my Coke on it and shorted it out. Here, let's use my smartphone...there.

"Construction of humanoid robotic body to order......................................................$85,000
Digitization of memories and cognitive abilities, uploading to robotic hard drive and CPU........ 7,500
Maintenance and upgrades................................................................................ 20,000

"Estimated total cost.....................................................................................$112,500."


"I don't...have that kind of money," said Wolf, crestfallen. "I should've gone into a field where I could've gotten wealthy off patents. Um. Do any of you know where I could get that sort of funding?"

Daphne put an arm around her shoulder. "Sure do, kiddo. That would be...

[Kamino Neko]

...Loony Lisa's Land of Loans.'

'The girl who was being punished by the blonde girl?'

'No, not that Lisa. She'd never call it that. In fact, she's out there protesting to have the name changed all the time.'

'I see.'

'No, this one is...

[Alice Macher]

...Toeny Toeblertoene's niece."

Wolf looked askance at Daphne. "This isn't going to involve my working in the toe sock mines, is it?"

"Teehee! No. No, I don't think so, sweetie. Let's get you an appointment."



Later that week, Loony Lisa reviewed Wolf's proposal with her in her office. "Well, Ms. Brooks," she said, "I can see why you'd want to preserve such a great mind as yours for the good of scientific advancement. But how do you propose to pay us back?"

"I've considered that," said Wolf, flipping ahead a few pages, "and to that end I've filed with the U.S. Patent Office for several inventions. For example, this device, the Franjibjoob-jiwawa Bopedebop, can convert several types of jazz music into powerful...

[Kamino Neko]

...semi-physical, pseudo-sapient beings that I call scat-cats.'

'Scat-cats?'

'Yes. They come in several varieties, depending on the jazz subgenre that generates them. Bebop, for instance, creates very small scat-cats, which nonetheless have the strength of 10 men. Dixieland scat-cats, on the other hand are incredibly weak, but have healing powers.' Wolf leaned forward excitedly. 'And, and fusion scat-cats? Not very powerful at all, but the most adorable things ever. All fuzzy and such.'

'And freeform jazz?'

'Ah, well. You don't want to use the Franjibjoob-jiwawa Bopedebop on freeform jazz. You see, freeform scat-cats...

[Tamar]

...are huge, made of water, and like to snuggle really, really close with you. So they're a drowning hazard. Accordingly, I've designed the machine such that it will not accept freeform jazz input."

"Crazy and safe!" said Loony Lisa, clapping her hands and dancing a little jig on the desk. "Which means both my uncle and the State Attorney General would approve." She sat back down. "What other patents do you have pending?"

"Er, yes." Wolf adjusted her glasses. "Inspired by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention's second album, Absolutely Free, I've devised the Vegetaphone, which allows you to call any vegetable and hear it respond in your choice of English, Spanish, French, Arabic, Hindi, Mandarin or Cantonese."

"It's a phone for speaking to vegetables."

"Yes."

"Okay, even I have to ask why you'd want to do that."

"Well," said Wolf, "have you ever...

[Kamino Neko]

...looked at a plate of vegetables you were being forced to eat by your mother, father, or legally appointed guardian that the courts said you had to have, despite the fact that you had an IQ well in excess of the entirety of the rest of the room put together (and, seriously, arguing that simply made it worse), and thought "you there! Yes, you, the green and mushy mass of indeterminate goo...what is your purpose in life?"?'

'... Why, yes, yes I have.'

'Right. That's why I made it, so I could, you know, ask.'

'And?'

'Green and mushy masses of indeterminate goo are surprisingly unresponsive. It made me wonder if it really was vegetables.'

Loony Lisa leaned languidly leewise. 'Lo?'

'... Pardon?' Wolf peered at her.

'Ah, sorry. The narrator just had an attack of the weirds there for a moment, and I felt the need to help it along. So, what did you discover about the Green and Mushy Mass?'

'... Right. Ah, anyway... It really was vegetables, but really quite despondent about being reduced to a green and mushy mass of indeterminate goo.'

'Ah, very interesting. Ah. Hum. I see reference here to something called a "transcendental tumbler"...what does that do?'

'Ah, the t-squared. That was just something I threw together because I was bored with the green and mushy mass of indeterminate goo's ramblings after I managed to get it talking, but after all the effort I went through to get it started, I thought it would be rude to cut it off. That doesn't do much, just...