Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Alice Macher]

...invented the TURDUCKEN, a vehicle that resembles a photo booth on the outside but inside is much smaller, so it had temporarily to shrink me and any passengers I took with me. At least, 'temporarily' was the plan. But never mind that, Mr. Lovegood; let's get you out of here and to a safe house in...

[Kamino Neko]

...the city of Townsville.'

When they arrived, Dixomatus was shocked to find that a trio of pre-schoolers assigned to protect him.

'Ah, hello, children. Are the guards I'm supposed to be given here?'

The girls looked up ah him. The black-haired one looked at her sisters. 'He's not very bright, is he?'

'Buttercup, be nice! He looks very smart!' The pig-tailed blonde girl smiled at him.

'That's because you're dumb, too!' The black-haired girl made a face at the blonde. Who began to cry. Which is when the redhead came in, chastising the black-haired girl. Then an adult finally arrived, and...things went downhill.

Dixomatus looked at Leonard who simply shrugged and smiled.

'Yes, let's move on to the next safe house, shall we?'

Leonard took Dixomatus arm, and dragged him off, eventually bringing him to...

[Tamar]

...Aleister Crowley's Abbey of Thelema in Cefalù, Sicily.

Crowley himself, AKA the Master Therion, AKA the Beast 666, came out to greet them. "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Wonderful, wonderful! A couple of new students. Come, I'll have Leah fit you for your ceremonial robes, and then I'll get you started on your Probationer's curriculum of study, beginning with my books of sacred poetry, Responding Moistly to the Whore of Babylon's Hoo-Hoo and Hello, Sailor."

"Er," said Leonard, "actually, I'm an inventor-turned-rescuer from Discworld, and this here's my rescuee, and we were rather hoping to get in a bit of sanctuary from blokes trying to off him, if that's all right with you. We shan't be any trouble. You'll scarcely know we're here. I'll even keep my inventing to a minimum."

The Beast frowned. "You wish to use the Abbey as a safe-house, do you? I'm afraid, gentlemen, there is but limited space here, and we simply can't give room and board to anyone who isn't prepared to take on the Great Work. Now maybe if you two were rather younger and prettier, and preferably female, although strictly between you and me that's not absolutely necessary--"

"Please, sir," said Dixomatus. "I'm being pursued, just for saying rubbish about sausages, by two quite ruthless assassins from London Below."

"London Below?" Crowley raised an eyebrow and made a magical gesture of self-protection. "Well, why didn't you say so? Croup and... Vandemar, is it?"

They nodded.

"Well, don't just stand there. Come in, come in. We'll see what we can do for you. Make yourselves at home. Have a rest, get some yoga in, perhaps a bit of rumpy-pumpy, nod's as good as a wink, and then, initiates or no, you can perhaps aid us in raising... the Moonchild."

*****

"The Moonchild?" Lisa's eyes bulged. "I've heard of that. Wasn't that like some sort of Antichrist figure the Beast was trying to create or call up or whatev?"

"Oh, no," said Joseph. "Nothing of the sort. The Moonchild--no relation to your young lady-love here--was in fact...

[Kamino Neko]

...really quite benevolent.'

'Oh, really?' Lisa had to admit to being a little shocked by this.

'Yes.'

'Then why did Crowley, of all people want to summon it?'

'Her, actually.'

'Ah, that explains it, then.'

'Ah, no, no. Not...ah, no.' Joseph shook his head. 'The Moonchild is distinctly not, ah, that sort. A touch too...child-like, for one.'

'Oh. Well, far be it from me to sully the good name of Aleister Crowley by suggesting he might have had ulterior motives.' Lisa shrugged. 'So, go on, why did he want to summon her, being as how she's such a benevolent being?'

'Well, not for any benevolent reasons, one is forced to admit. He wished to control the direction of the human imagination, molding it into his own image, and she was how he intended to do it.'

Lisa shuddered. 'And what came of that?'

Joseph shook his head. 'Nothing.'

'Oh, good.'

'No, bad.'

'Huh?'

Joseph sighed. 'Well, it's quite difficult to explain, as it involves rather a twisted time loop, but, he accidentally created "Nothing", which is the worst thing in creation.'

'Ah...'

'Don't worry, it all worked out in the end, but that is someone else's story entirely, so, we can skip that, I think.'

'... Yes, please.' Lisa looked over at Luna, and whispered. 'The next time someone says we're weird, we tell 'em about this guy, right?' Luna nodded to her.

'So, back to Dixometus, then.' Luna smiled. 'After the whole nonsense with the Moonchild, things got really bad.'

'Worse than accidentally helping create the worst thing in creation?'

'Well, perhaps not, but he didn't know about that part, or at least he never told anyone about it. But, what happened next was quite bad, as well. You see...

[Zanosuke Kurosaki]

As a side effect, he also unleashed She Who Must Not Be Named. And She's spent centuries looking for That Which Man Was Not Meant To Know. We managed to hide the scroll on which it is written, but it's only a matter of time before -" Joseph stopped as a very worried, charbroiled, and battered looking angel (with a severely bent halo) came into the room, passed him a message, and went back out the door. A small thud! was heard from outside before the door even finished closing, and a glimpse of the now-facedown angel could be seen through the frame as the door swung shut.

Joseph quickly read through the message, then gasped. "Oh no! She Who Must Not Be Named has taken the scroll of That Which Man Was Not Meant To Know!"

Lisa and Luna looked startled, and asked in unison, "Where?"

Joseph looked up from the scroll, and pointed dramatically as he exclaimed, "To The Lands Which Know No Name!"

Lisa's expression became flat, and she replied, with a bit of a snarky tone, "Right. Let me know if we find any proper nouns in all of that mess before we set out on any recovery quests, would you? I can't believe...

[Alice Macher]

...that saints and angels, of all people, would have such a lack of imagination."

"But," said Joseph, "you don't understand. The Nothing--"

"Nothing will come of nothing," said Lisa. "You guys need better writers." She took out her chequebook and pen and cut a cheque. "Here's our deposit for the wedding. Thanks, Joe. See you at the ceremony rehearsal." And with that, she and Luna vanished and apparated in Hogwarts, where she saw Luna back to her dorm and, after a parting, er, snuggle, apparated back home in Belleville.


Well. That was a bit rude of Lisa, wasn't it? But in fairness to her, she had something weighing on her mind. You see, she'd just received a subpoena to testify for the prosecution in the upcoming trial of Calvin Machrie for obscenity and contributing to the deliquency of a minor. But Lisa hadn't been in that latest school play, and as for his being a sleazebag to her during Fiddler the previous semester, she figured that with the out-of-court settlement he'd given her, they were quits.

On the other hand, she thought, wasn't she obligated, as a super-powered individual, to help the state uphold the law?

On the other hand, though, wasn't what happened with Sara's nightie in the most recent play not Machrie's fault, but an accident on Tiffany's part?

On the other hand, wasn't Machrie's choice of play kind of skeevy for a teenage cast?

On the other hand, wasn't it Shakespeare (if very early and crappy Shakespeare), and thus defensible under artistic merit?

AAARGH! thought Lisa. This is confuzzling. And I've already run out of hands, and then some. Better ask someone for advice. But who? Whom. Whatev. Wait, I know.

So she went and spoke to...

[Kamino Neko]

...Kali. She figured, if she was going to be using up so many hands, she should go find someone who had a lot of them.

Why Kali, rather, than, say, Yama? She has a rather refreshingly straightforward approach to problem solving.

'So, what do you think I should do, Kali-cat?'

Kali looked at her, steadily, and brushed the fingers of her foremost left hand over one of the skulls on her belt. 'Kill him.'

'Er, eh, whut?' Lisa blinked.

'Kill him.' Did I say 'refreshingly straightforward'? I meant 'disturbingly blunt'.

'I don't think I can do that.'

'Then kill the people asking you to testify against him.' Kali shrugged - and with as many arms as she has, that was an impressive thing.

'I...can't do that, either.'

Kali sighed, and stretched, her form shifting to a different, less violent, facet of herself, Parvati.

'If my more wrathful form's advice is not of use to you, perhaps you could, instead...

[Tamar]

...embark upon the path of renunciation and asceticism, as I did before marrying Shiva, and find the answer to your dilemma by subduing your wild, passionate nature, even as I subdue his."

Lisa blinked a few times and said...

[Kamino Neko]

...well, she didn't say anything. What she did was spend the next several hours laughing her (cute little) ass off.

Pavarti, at several times, checked her watches. (She's a very modern goddess, it should be noted. Also, fascinated by time zones, so each arm has a watch, each set to a different time zone.)

Eventually, Lisa came out of it.

'I take it,' Pavarti raised an eyebrow, 'that you do not wish to take that route?'

'No. Ah... No. Just... No.' Lisa then resumed laughing for another 2 hours.

Later, she went to Luna for advice, and, after explaining what had happened with the goddess...es?...whatevs. After explaining the advice she'd already gotten - including a divergence explaining that, no, when she said Pavarti, she didn't mean the Patil twins were goddesses (though she had to admit they were cute...yeah, this is why it ended up as a pretty long divergence), she asked Luna what she thought she should do.

'Well, dear, if it's really troubling you, you could always...

[Alice Macher]

...agree to testify, while secretly getting that nice, ambiguously Japanese celebrity attorney--the one who defended us in the Belleville Municipal Council bother--to represent Mr. Machrie."

Lisa liked that idea so much, she did something else fun for several hours. It involved Luna. One guess.


*****

"OBJECTION!" said Phoenix Wright, striking the desk and pointing.

The judge rubbed his temples wearily. "Mr. Wright. You can't object to the witness stating her name."

"Your honour, she identified herself as Sara Kim. In disclosure, I'd been informed her last name was Velte."

Sara raised her hand. "Oh, right. I'd filed for a name change but it hasn't gone through yet. I forgot. Sorry." She grinned sheepishly.

The D.A. sighed and proceeded. "Ms. Velte, you appeared in Mr. Machrie's Belleville High production of Oops, I Soiled Me Britches, playing the role of Tribadine, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"What costume did you wear, during the performance, for your bedroom scene with Mr. Larson?"

"It was a Svelte Miss floral lace nightie by Victoria's Secret."

"I present this nightie as Exhibit A," said the D.A., holding it aloft. "Tell me, Ms. Velte, did you know in advance that you would be required to show your... buttocks... during that scene?"

"Well... well, no," said Sara. "But in fairness, that's not--"

"No further questions, your honour." The D.A. walked back to her seat, sneering at Phoenix as she did. "Your witness."

Phoenix walked over to the witness stand. "Ms. Velte. If that is your real name."

"It is. For now," said Sara with a polite smile.

"Is it not true that...

[Kamino Neko]

...it was really Ms Winters who committed the crime?'

'Ah, sorry?'

'It was actually one Tiffany Winters who exposed your...' He looked at the crime scene photo. 'Tattoo of...Lon Chaney?'

'... Raihne Sinclaire, who looks nothing like Lon Chaney...'

'Ah. Well, he could look like her, if he wanted to...'

'I suppose so.... Being the man of 1000 faces, and all. But I'm not sure he's the man of 1000 boobs, too, though.'

'Perhaps that'd be 2000?' Nick brushed his hand over his hair.

'I guess, yeah, it would b--'

'Mr Right, Miss Ve...Ki...whatever. Can you get back on the topic?'

'Sorry.' Lawyer and witness both had the decency to turn kind of red.

'So, in any case, it was actually Miss Winters who exposed you, was it not?'

'Well, yes, but...'

'Thank you, no fur--'

'It's not like she wa--'

'--ther ques--'

'--nted to show o--'

'--tions fo--'

'--ff my goo-''

'--r this witness.'

'--ds.'

The judge blinked at Nick and Sara. 'Could you repeat that, one at a time, please?'

They were in the middle of deciding who would go first, when suddenly, at the back of the courtroom, someone jumped up, demanding to be heard. It was...

[Tamar]

...David Bowie. He pulled off his dark glasses and wig, and stood up.

The spectators murmured amongst themselves. "It's David Bowie!" --"Who?" --"Oh, you know. Ziggy White Duke or whatever." --"That's 'Ziggy Stardust,' you young ignoramus." --"Listen, you--"

"ORDER!" The judge banged his gavel. "Order in the court. What is the meaning of this?"

Bowie smiled. "It's a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced. But that's not important right now." He paused for laughter from his fellow Zucker and Zucker fans. "Your honour, may I please say something on the defendant's behalf?"

"Erm, well. This is highly irregular," said the judge. "Which means, of course, that I must allow it. Why that is, I don't know. It's as if some hack writer were pulling--". He suddenly went wide-eyed. Lisa, who'd already testified (sorry), grinned. "No, no, that's impossible. In any case...very well, Mr. Bowie. You may speak."

Bowie strode sexily (yes, sexily. So what if he's sixty-five. Don't you judge me) to the centre of the courtroom. "Your honour. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Your Holiness the Dalai Lama. I've known Mr. Machrie for many years, going back to when he was the up-and-not-quite-coming glam rocker Oliver Oohlala. And although he's a...quirky fellow, as befits one in his line of work, I can attest that he is no pornographer. He has worked successfully and cordially with a number of actors old...and young. Like Zac Efron, whom he helped discover. Like Ms. Velte here, who has already received acclaim not only for her 'Stick it to the man' contribution to reality TV, but also distinguished herself as the lead in last fall's off-Broadway production of David Mamet's When You Say 'Fuck You,' What Do You Mean, Exactly? Believe me, if he were a peddler of filth for filth's sake, I wouldn't have employed him as pantomime director for my upcoming I'm Still Relevant, Damn It! world tour this spring.

"And as for Ms. Velte's wardrobe malfuction, I believe it's already been established that was an accident. Now certainly, one could argue that she should've been wearing less flimsy panties underneath the nightie, but--well. The stories I could tell you about the time my pants split during the first Ziggy tour, as I was mock-fellating Mick Ronson's guitar and got arguably a bit too into it...ahem. My point is, no one arrested me then. And that was at a much less permissive time, in terms of what could be done on stage, than today.

"So who, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is truly the guilty one here? Is it Mr. Machrie? Ms. Velte? Ms. Winters? Or is it the double standard employed by our society, which adopts an 'anything goes' attitude to such instances of 'high culture' as erotic glam rock concerts, but suddenly turns Puritan when it comes to such 'disreputable' art forms as Shakespearean comedy? I rest my case." Bowie sang. "I've borrowed your time / And I'm sorry I called / But the thought just occurred that Calvin Machrie's not guilty at all / After all."

There followed applause from the jury and spectators, and more banging from the judge's gavel.

"Thank you, Mr. Bowie. If the prosecution and defence have nothing further...? Well then, I shall charge the jury: blah blah, obscenity, blah blah, community standards, blah blah, flexible definition, blah blah, artistic merit, blah blah blah. We'll now take a recess while the jury deliberates."


Following a well-received impromptu, a capella performance of "'Heroes'" by you know who, the jury returned to their seats and court was back in session. "Has the jury reached a verdict?" the judge asked the foreman.

The foreman stood. "We have, your honour. We find the defendant...

[Kamino Neko]

...strange, abrasive, and not nearly the genius he thinks he is. We also, however, find him not guilty, as we have been convinced it was not at his instruction, or even suggestion that the butt was bared...and, hell, it's Shakespeare. At least it wasn't Titus Andronicus.'

The judge passed the verdict, and banged his gavel, releasing Machrie from custody.

As Machrie went to thank Bowie for his defence, he noticed...a sound. High pitched. Almost inaudibly so, despite being tooth-shakingly loud. He sighed. 'As thanks for your testimony I will introduce you, Miss Winklemeyer.' The sound got louder, and higher, at the point that it was like a dog whistle played through Disaster Area's sound system. (And somewhere, elsewhere in the galaxy, the fact that I've typed those words has given Hotblack Desiato an idea.)

'Mr Bowie, I...

[Alice Macher]

...am OMGZ such a big fan of yours I actually paid for all of your albums. Twice. And also--"

Bowie did a double-take. "Hang on. Winklemeyer... that hair... Cor, you're the Thunderbolt Trickster, aren't you, luv? Well, I'm a big fan of yours."

"Hnnnneeeeee RLY? OMGZ OMGZ!"

"YA RLY. You see, you once saved an old mate of mine from...

[Kamino Neko]

...a giant rampaging Rice Krispies Treat.'

'I did?' Lisa blinked. 'You'd think I'd remember something like that. ... Then again, with my life...'

'Yes. This happened....oh, 1982, I think.'

'Ah, Mister Bowie?' Lisa shook her head. 'I was born in 1994.'

'... Really?'

'For srs.'

'Well, this is very strange.' David tilted his head. 'Are you the first Thunderbolt Trickster?'

'The first one who looks like me, anyway...'

'Well, then, it must have been time travel, in that case. So, you will have saved a good mate of mine from a giant rampaging Rice Krispies Treat.'

'Are you sure it was a Rice Krispies Treat?'

'Well, it may have used off brand cereal, but it was definitely a giant rampaging crispy rice square of some variety.'

'Well, I, ah, look forward to saving your buddy, then, sir. ... Could I get an autograph, now, since I don't want to wait to get one, way back then?'

'Ah, certainly.' Bowie signed for Lisa. It took a moment, as neither of them had any paper... (And even longer when she jokingly suggested he sign her chest, and he didn't realize it was a joke. 'Not the most private body part I've been asked to sign', he explained.) But soon, she had an autograph (on the back of her now even more favourite hoodie), and the two of them spent some time trying to figure out just when, in her personal time line, this would be happening.

As it turned out, they were able to pin-point it pretty precisely as...