Complete the Sentence II: Wal-Mart's Revenge of the Bacon!

[Kamino Neko]

...God, Zirself.'

'Your theory that the universe is just one big Gedankenexperiment?' Lisa raised an eyebrow. Knowing what she did, she was amused at how close, but how wrong that was.

'Gedehoozit?' Penny shook her head. 'Lisa, stop trying to be smart and making up words.'

'It's a real wo...wait. Trying? Watch it, Blondie!' Lisa threw a fortune cookie at Penny's head.

'... Ah, no, that's not quite it.' John ignored their antics, and shook his head. 'God is the hardware, but Zie's not just imagining the universe. It's actually running on...

[Alice Macher]

... a unitary physics of which the two primary components are elementary particles we may label p, or proton electro-nuclear node yield; and a, or antiproton gravitational gyromagnetic isobar emission. Helping to unite these two highly contrasting but complementary particles are the elementary forces we may term s, or solid asymptotic radioactive adhesion, and l, or loopy isotopic strange absorption."

Penny and Aggie just stared, uncomprehending, while Lisa grumbled. "'Loopy?' 'Strange?' And why couldn't Luna get a shout-out?"

John cast a sidelong glance at Lisa and, unexpectedly to her, smiled. "Well, Lisa, since you at any rate seem to grasp the basics of my theory, even as you quibble needlessly over the nomenclature, perhaps you could explain it to your friends."

Lisa sighed deeply, stretched her legs, cracked her knuckles, and began. "You see, girls, assuming John's theory as to what makes this universe of ours tick is correct (and believe me, he is very, very close), what he's saying, in laypersons' terms, is...

[Kamino Neko]

...we, in a manner of speaking, don't exist, because, of course, we're a simulation. But, in a different manner, we are all that exists, because we are also the hardware, and so is everything else.'

'But...' Aggie tilted her head. 'He said God was the hardware.'

'Yes.'

'But, you just said we are the hardware.'

'Yes.'

'... Does that mean we're God?'

'Well, sort of, in a manner of speaking.'

'I knew she was going to say that.' Penny smirked.

Lisa ignored her. 'But in another...

[Tamar]

...sense, there's an... aspect of God that's separate from us."

Aggie snapped her fingers. "Know what? Charlotte, upon her return to Earth, said that not only had she grown closer to God than ever before, from merging with galaxy clusters all the way down to particles, but her mom, who's, like, good now, and who's reconciled with her, has actually met God. And... and now I recall, so has my mom." She took Penny's hand. "Remember, Penny?"

"I sure do." Penny smiled and squeezed Aggie's hand.

"Piffle. Mystical self-delusion," said John in an undertone.

Ignoring this, Lisa turned to Aggie. "So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying," said Aggie, "we should check with--well, maybe not with my mom directly, because that portal in Penny's old bedroom is gone, though maybe you could do one of those things you do to talk to Littoria's soul--and also Charl and Mrs. Sims. See how what they have to say matches up with this theory."

Penny giggled, out of nowhere.

"What's funny, Goldilocks?" said Aggie.

"Ohhh... I was just thinking of another possible 'ultimate theory.' Though it's a silly one. What if... what if we're all characters in a webcomic?"

"A HA HA HA HA HA that really is funny," said Lisa, bending forward and slapping her thighs, while hoping the others wouldn't see the sweat that had just formed on her forehead. "Great one, Pen, I mean it for realz. And on that note, why don't we table this philosophystical discussion for now and go see a movie?"

"You three may go, if you wish," said John. "I haven't the time for such non-interactive leisure activity. Oh, and don't forget to take your sculpture with you."

"Hmm." Aggie looked at the sculpture. "Y'know, Pen, even without the 4-D, it's kinda creepy, isn't it?"

"Yeah, kind of Uncanned Valley or whatever that term Lis uses is."

"It's 'Uncanny Valley,' and yeah, it totes is," said Lisa.

"John," said Aggie, "you know, you could probably recycle and reuse the soapstone for some... invention or experiments. Why not keep it, as a thank you for having us over?"

John ran a finger along Baby Aggie's cheek and nodded. "That's some good quality soapstone there. I believe I will. Thank you, Aggie. Penny."

And so, after bidding John and the girlbots goodbye, the three (human) girls went to see Good Cyndi in The Fantasmagorical Exploratory Excursions of Lady...

[Kamino Neko]

...Susan Bosomheave-Bodicerip, a fantastical semi-period erotic comedy-drama-picaresque.

Cyndi, as the lead, an upper class British woman who was on a world tour (and series of love affairs), was currently, at the halfway point in the film, in India, where she was meeting a (beautiful but fairly hairy) young man, who, as it would turn out (though Susan wouldn't learn for some time) was an incarnation of Hanuman.

As an interesting bit of trivia, the actor playing the character, Nitya, was...

[Alice Macher]

...the first to challenge the Bollywood content standard in which erotic scenes were to be portrayed symbolically, with the leads singing and running through the woods or fields. He supported the bold stance of his director, Jayesh Singh, who felt it was time to bring India's cultural standards more in line with those of Hollywood. Which, together, they did. If by "those of Hollywood," we mean "in the midst of the FCC's moral panic after the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction incident." And so it was that in Singh's romantic epic, Just You, Just Me, Just Five Hundred Backup Dancers, Nitya and the lead actress, Amshula Patil, risked prosecution with the scene where they consummated their love by singing and running through an asparagus field and peach orchard. Keep up the good fight, you three!

Anyway. Susan Bosomheave-Bodicerip had just met the incognito Hanuman-incarnation who, as soon as he got her alone, ripped her bodice. Her bosom heaved as he clutched her to his manly, hirsute chest, and they began to...

[Kamino Neko]

...make hot monkey love.

Which is a rather strangely named dish that Nitya's character, Arjuna's family specialized in.

Why were they topless while making the monkey love? Well, for one thing, preparation tends to be very messy. For another...well, come on! It's sexy! (Especially when they were splashed with the ingredients...it was sort of an Indian 9 1/2 Weeks, really.)

So, anyway, they made the hot monkey love, and then relaxed to consume it.

'Oh, Arjuna, this is wonderful, it makes me so very...

[Tamar]

...ready to consider finally settling down with a man, for once in my madcap, footloose, globetrotting life. What do you say?"

Arjuna swallowed hard. (He had to, because the curried goat, even when chewed properly, was very dense.) He took a sip of wine, took her hand, and said, "Susan... there's something I have to tell you. I'm not like other guys."

Susan laughed. "Of course you're not. That's why I love you."

"No, I mean I'm different."

"What are you talking about?" she said, smiling.

"I'm... Hanuman, the Monkey God!"

At this, the hirsute Arjuna became even hirsuter (hirsutier? --look, he grew a lot more hair, okay?). His teeth sprouted fangs, his behind, a tail. Susan screamed.

"Don't worry," he said. "I won't hurt you, my beloved. But now is the time to sing and dance. Let us go seek out the devotees at my temple!"

"W-which one?" she said.

Hanuman smiled. "Why not--all of them! Don't worry, beloved; I'll carry you."

And so the god, bearing the once again bosom-heaving Susan in his arms, leapt and bounded from temple to temple all over the country, singing and dancing with his followers.



In the theatre, Penny leaned close to Aggie and whispered, "How do you think Cyndi...

[Kamino Neko]

...got her hair to stay still while they were flying?'

'... Pen, I think the flying was just special effects.'

'... Oh, right. Our life is just weird. I forgot that part.'

'Aaactually!' Lisa, who was sitting in the row behind them, so they could have 'privacy to make the smoochings' (ignoring Aggie's protest she'd see less of that if she sat beside them), popped her head between them. Then cringed as someone in a nearby seat shushed her. 'Sorry!' She lowered her voice and said. 'They didn't use special effects. He really can fly!'

'And now you're going to say he's really Hanuman, right?' Penny raised an eyebrow at Lisa.

'What? No. That would be a ridiculous coincidence, don't be silly.'

'Oh, then why can he fly?'

'He's really Quetzalcoatl.'

Penny reached over, palmed Lisa's face, and pushed her back into her own seat.

Lisa leaned forward again. 'No, seriously, it's true.'

'Isn't Ketzothingie Mayan?'

'Don't be racist, Pe--' Shoved back again, Lisa frowned. 'Too far?'

'Too far.' Penny resisted the urge to shove Lisa back when she popped forward again. 'So, 'splain to me how Ketchup ended up in an Indian guy?'

'Quetzalcoatl, Pen. And simple, he...

[Alice Macher]

...hasn't been doing so well in the 'lots of worshippers' department, these last few centuries, so--".

"Ugh," said Aggie. "Is this gonna be one of those things from like every fantasy story nowadays, where gods lose power and wither away and die if they aren't worshipped? 'Cause it seems to me they can't have been very 'godlike' to begin with if that's the case--mmph, llrght, llrght, sry."

"Thx." Lisa let go of Aggie's lips. "No, it has nothing to do with that at all. Quetzalcoatl, like the other Meso-American deities, lost nearly all his worshippers, yeah, but he was never in danger of shrivelling up and going poof. What he was in danger of was getting really, really bored. So after trying this and that, he eventually turned to acting. And hey, if Ben Kingsley can play a Hindu an Ashkenazi Jew, and an Englishman, then why can't Quetzalcoatl play a Hindu god?"

"Makes sense," said Penny. "But um, wouldn't Hanuman mind?"

"Nah," Lisa waved her hand. "Let me tell you 'bout a certain social club Luna and I recently discovered--by accident, and we were made to leave pretttty quickly--a club for world deities called...

[Kamino Neko]

...the Ash Tree and Mountain. We thought it was a pub--'

'... A pub?' Penny raised an eyebrow.

'... We were hungry, and weren't going to drink.... Maybe a couple butterbeers (it was in a wizard town).'

'Uhuh. Sure.'

'... Shush, and let me finish.'

'Sorry. Go on.'

'Right, so..."Ash Tree and Mountain" sounds like a pub name...how were we to know it meant Yggdrasil and Olympus?'

'Or that that meant only gods were allowed in.'

'Right.' Lisa nodded. 'So, anyway, when we got in, it took them a while to figure out we were mortals (shouldn't have let Odin play bouncer while Argus was on his lunch break), so we had a nice conversation with Hel, Anubis, Hades a--'

'Aren't all those Death gods?'

'Well, gods of the underworld. Close enough. They're surprisingly goofy. We still hang with Ani time to time. He does this trick where--'

'"Ani"?' Penny and Aggie both blinked.

'Anubis.'

Penny shook her head. 'We got that...why do you call him Ani?'

'He's actually a big Star Wars fan...and despite this, he likes the prequels, so he thinks it's cool.'

'...'

'So, anyway, he does this tr--'

Penny coughed. 'Let's skip that digression...sorry for starting it. So, what did they tell you about Hanuman, or Quesadilla, or whoever?'

'... I find it slightly odd you have no trouble with Hanuman, but do with Quetzalcoatl. Well, whatevs. Anyway, it wasn't them, it was Yama. He told us that Hanuman was a real fan. In fact, Quetzalcoatl had inspired him to go to China to become an actor.'

'... China? Why not India?'

'You've never heard Hanuman sing, apparently. Yama says he sounds like a cat with indigestion and a bad mood.'

'And normal Bollywood singers don't?'

'Be nice. Apparently he's starring in a TV series based on the Journey to the West. Oddly enough, playing Zhu Bajei.'

'... I don't know what that means.'

'Ah, well, nevermind.' Lisa shrugged, and leaned back in her seat, just as the movie got to...

[Tamar]

...the part where Susan and Hanuman split up, about two-thirds of the way through the film, over a deep-rooted philosophical / aesthetic disagreement regarding their tantric practice.

"This is so sad," said Aggie, taking a packet of tissues out of her pocket and sharing it with Penny and Lisa.

"And educational, too," said Penny, blowing her nose.

"Worst of all, they aren't naked anymore!" said Lisa, sobbing, whereupon someone shushed her.

However, the two of them, following a rebound fling each and, in Susan's case, visits with a guru (prompting grumbling from Lisa that the writers seemed to have cribbed that part straight from Eat Pray Love), eventually realize they are the only ones who complete each other, and pledge their troth atop Mount Dunagiri in the northern Indian part of the Himalayas, attended by Hanuman's followers who dance--somewhat giddily and shakily due to the high altitude--and sing the final sacred number, "Love Be My Oxygen."


Meanwhile, Rob and Lynda sorted through the debris of what was to have been their next home renovation project, an outdoor koi pond which somehow got turned along the way into a...

[Kamino Neko]

...coy pond.

'Oh, no, don't look. It's embarrassing!' The pond rippled, trying to obscure the view.

Rob facepalmed and wandered back into the house. 'I need a drink.'

Lynda sighed and shook her head, sitting down next to the pond. 'Now, Pond, why are you being so difficult?'

The pond didn't say anything.

'Pond?'

'What?'

'Why are you being so difficult?'

Nothing.

'Pond!'

'Ah, well...

[Alice Macher]

...I have social algaeity disorder."

Lynda blinked a few times. "Don't you mean 'social anxiety disorder?'"

"No no," said the pond, rippling asymmetrically. "I seem to be infected with sapient algae and it's making me very self-conscious!" The pond let out a choked sob.

"I'm not sure I follow." Lynda smoothed her hair. "Is it you who's self-conscious, or the algae?"

"Is there a difference?"

"Ah, no, I suppose not. Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

"You mean, like putting containers of water alongside me so I can practice conversation with them?"

"I'm... not sure how that would work," said Lynda, "unless they were also sapient."

"Hm. Good point. And putting some of my algae in them would only make them painfully coy too."

"Exactly." Lynda sat in thought for a minute. "Say. We haven't actually put the koi--kay oh aye--inside you yet. Maybe that'll help? Having around beings that aren't (I assume) anything like fully sapient, but are alive, so you can gradually get used to others' company?"

The pond furrowed itself. "Worth a try. But please put them in slowly and quietly and don't make a big deal of introducing me, because I'm, I'm nervous, y'know?"

So Lynda slowly and delicately put the koi into the pond. Soon after she was done, what should happen but...

[Kamino Neko]

...the fish started talking.

'Oh, I say. This is a very nice pond.' The first swam the perimeter nodding appreciatively.

'Oh, indeed, indeed.' The second nibbled at a plant that had fallen in.

'I could quite get used to living here!' The first splashed his tail out of the water, briefly.

How did the pond respond to this? Well, it...