"Ms. Bunny," said the judge, peering at her over his reading glasses, "what precisely are your qualifications for representing the accused?"
Lola flipped her ears back. "I've seen Legally Blonde
a dozen times. That's almost twenty, y'know. It's, like, my favourite movie? Reese Witherspoon is awesome. So yeah, I'm totally up on all this law stuff. That robe is so
The judge pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes well. Given that no one else is either willing or available to represent your clients, I suppose you'll have to do. Probably still better than some legal aid attorneys I've dealt with."
"Kewl. Thanks, Judgie."
"That's 'Your Honour' to you, young lady."
"Right, right. Sorry, Your Highness."
"That's--! Never mind." The judge turned around and surreptitiously took a swig from his hip flask. "Will the D.A. kindly call his first witness."
Bosko, sitting at the defense table with the other toons, buried his head in his hands. "Me o my," he said under his breath. "We's so futzed up."
After the D.A. had finished questioning Ned, Lola stepped forward to cross-examine him.
"So-o-o," said Lola, arms folded behind her as she paced back and forth in front of Ned. "Can you, like, state your name?"
"Ms Bunny," said the judge, facepalming. "We've already established the witness's name."
"Yah well, I kinda forgot it. I was texting when he was first called, y'see, and--"
Bunny. Kindly stop wasting the court's time and move on with Mr. Flanders's cross-examination, or I'll find you in contempt."
"I--I'm sorry, Judgi--Your Honour. Geez, what a grouch, amirite? God, what crawled up his--?
" Lola cleared her throat. "Uh, yeah, so Mr. Flanders--if that is
your real name--do you recall how long was the short made by Bugs's company--hiiii, Bun-Bun!" She turned and waved to...nowhere in particular. "Lookit, I'm on TV!"
The judge snapped his gavel in half. "MS.
Bunny. This trial. Is not. Being. Filmed."
Lola spun around to look at him. "It's not? Then how's it going to be on TV?"
After sentencing her to a night in prison for contempt, the judge bid Lola continue. She asked Ned the question again.
"Well, ma'am," said Ned, "as I recall, it was seven minutes, thirty-four seconds."
"I see," said Lola, glancing nervously back at the judge every so often. "Doesn't sound like a very short short, does it now? Sounds like a long short to me. Almost as if they should call it a 'long.'"
"I--what do you mean?"
The hare slammed her palms down on the witness stand. "I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE. Now, if you can't tell me whether the short is a short or a long, is it possible you weren't, like, completely aware of what you were seeing?"
"Miss, I was
aware of what I saw."
"Were you? May I remind you that you swore an oath on that...book with...God and stuff in it. Isn't it possible you were, like, drunk or on the weed?"
"Wha--? No! I don't drink or do drugs."
"I see." Lola stroked her chin and twitched her ears. "Then is it possible you, and possibly all those accused as well, were under mind control by an evil witch, like--that one?
Everyone turned to look at Witch Hazel, who was in the public seating area.
The judge hammered his gavel. "Ms. Bunny, so help me God, if you persist in making a mockery of these proceedings, I'll have no choice but to--"
"IT'S TRUE! It's all true! EE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEEEE!" said Witch Hazel, standing up, dislodging several hairpins in the process. "I master-minded the whole thing. When Bugs passed me over for the role of Evil Queen in 'S No Right
, in favour of that upstart Witch Lezah
, I swore I'd make him take a loss on that cartoon. So I flew to Springfield and cast a spell on Flanders here, to make him round up a bunch of protesters. Then I flew back to Hollywood and cast a (slightly smaller) spell on Daffy, Sam and Jacque, to inflame them into striking back. And I'd do it again! EE-HEE-HEE-HEEEE!"
Once again, the gavel came down as the courtroom erupted in a sussuruss of whispers. When it was quiet, the judge asked her how it was that Bosko and Good Cyndi had come to be arrested and charged as well.
Witch Hazel shrugged. "I do remember they were standing nearby when I cast that second spell. And, this being Hollywood, there were an awful lot of pocket-mirrors about. Maybe the spell ricocheted off a couple and struck them."
explain why I don't remember anything from that night," said Cyndi.
Bosko nodded. "An' me neither, so 't please Yer Honour."
The judge nodded. "Ms. Hazel, do you have anything further to say?"
"Just one thing, Your Honour." She turned toward Lola. "How ever did you figure out my plan?"
Lola looked blankly at her. "Honestly? I have, like, no idea. Lucky guess, y'know? I like your hat."
Once the judge had passed sentence on Hazel, after acquitting the others, she had to be carried out of the courtroom, as she was still catatonic from Lola's response.
The next week, Bugs, having written off 'S No Right
as a loss pending a future lawsuit against Hazel, cast Good Cyndi in a second short, entitled...