The Annoyingly Amazing Lisa: Thunderbolt Trickster! [fic]

This forum is founded on discussions about T Campbell's work (alone and with artist partners).

Moderators: TCampbell, Gisele

Postby Alice Macher » Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:36 pm

Issue #5

Last ish, we saw the unlucky-in-love Darren Danforth attempt to do science to his blank-slate personality and make himself more compelling to women. Instead, a lab explosion rendered him hairless, faceless and more psychotic than Marvel's One More Day. It also gave him the ability to assume and discard others' identities at will. Ironic, isn't it? Wait, is it? What exactly is irony, anyway? Fowler's Modern English Usage says...ah, forget it. The point is that Lisa, the Thunderbolt Trickster, may be the only one who can stop him, in...


Part II: My First Kiss Went a Little Like This

The next day, Lisa burst into the lunchroom, made a beeline for the table where all her friends were eating, and beckoned Penny and Aggie to an empty corner table. "Listen, girls," she said in a hushed voice, "the guy we were chatting up at the Vanilla Shoppe yesterday? That wasn't Needleneck."

"What d'you mean?" said Aggie.

"I just got off the phone with my Aunt Sophie in Belleville Police Forensics. Yesterday, as part of the effort to find Darren, they got a warrant to search the science lab from top to bottom (not that there was much of a top left). They forced open a closet in the back room and found what looked at first glance like a grey tailor's dummy but--get this!--turned out to be a living, hairless, faceless, butt-naked person in critical condition. And with a deep depression in the skull."

"Really," said Penny.

"Really. I wouldn't joke about that sort of thing. Although, hee hee, I said 'butt-naked.' --Sorry. Anyway, after getting the person on life support at Saint Sinai Hospital, forensics took a DNA sample and compared it with the stored cheek-cell scrapings from everyone in junior-year biology, and--"

"They kept those in storage?!" said Aggie. "That's a violation of our privacy. Why, I oughta--"

"Shuuuut uuuup," said Lisa through clenched teeth, "this investigation is confidential. Total media blackout and everything. Meant only for the eyes and ears of forensics, high-level police, super-powered Belleville residents and their trusted sidekicks. So anyway, guess whose DNA it matched?"

"Needleneck's?" said Aggie in a barely-audible whisper.

"Bingo. And that's not all. Doing a sweep of the explosion site itself, they found traces of Darren's and Needleneck's DNA and, most bizarre of all, a scrap of paper that fell behind the counter. The handwriting, although erratic and shaky, matched that of Darren's lab notebook recently handed in for grading. I had Aunt Soph make me a copy. Here."

She passed them a sheet of paper. On it was a list of crossed-out words: CHAMELEON, MIMIC (with "taken" scrawled beside them), JANE DOE (with "also taken, and besides, I'm a dude" scribbled alongside), ZELIG ("too obscure, highbrow and Jewish"), and finally THE EMULATOR, unstricken and triple-underlined.

Aggie, her face pale, looked up. "You don't mean--?"

"'Fraid I do. Guys, we got ourselves a brand-new supervillain. The one we once called 'Darren' somehow received, in that nucleo-chemical explosion, the ability to absorb another person's physical appearance, and even voice, leaving his victim a grey, blank husk barely clingin' to life. And there's no reason to believe the Emulator will stop at just one identity. The only missing piece of the puzzle is what exactly his motives are. 'Course, given he's assumed to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket, that may be a bit difficult to--Hey, Pen, you okay? You've been awful quiet, and you're shakin'."

"I-I'm fine," said Penny, looking down. "All this news, these gruesome details, it's kinda scary, is all. Um, Aggie? Can I speak to you somewhere private, after school?"

"Sure," said Aggie, resting her hand on her friend's shoulder. "Anytime."

Shortly after the three o'clock bell rang, the blonde and blue-haired girls found the A-V room open and apparently unbooked, so they snuck in, closed the door and pulled the shades. "Feeling better, Penny?"

"Yeah. Much more relaxed now. Which is good, because although this might not be the best time, with a psychotic identity-swapper on the loose and all, there's...something we have to talk about. Remember yesterday at 'Dad' Pape's, just before Lisa said something about trig homework?"

"Y--yeah, I think so."

"Well, Ag, honey, we were just about to do something together for the first time, weren't we?"

"Pay the psycho guy's cheque?"

"No, not that. C'mon now. Time we stopped kidding ourselves, sweetheart. You and I have been frenemies, outright enemies, strategic allies, and friends. And the more we've gotten to know each other, the more we seem to appreciate what we have in common. You follow?"

Gulp. Sweat. "Yeah, P-Penny, I do." She moved closer, took the other's hand.

" can I say this without sounding like a cheesy Hallmark card? I can't stop thinking about you. In the daytime, I wish we could always sit next to each other. At night, I wish you slept beside me. You're the most infruriatingly, annoyingly, exhiliratingly wonderful person I've ever met. I need you, Aggie. You might even say: I love you."

"Oh...Penny." Closer. Shedding silent tears, she put her arms around her. "I love you too."

Their lips touched, softly and tentatively at first, then locked together firmly and stayed that way. After a few moments, one of them began to feel pressure on top of her head, almost imperceptible at first, but growing stronger, stronger...She pulled out of the kiss. "Penny--what are you...?"

"Shh. It's okay, love. This'll just take a sec. It won't hurt."

"Owww! What are you--?"

"Okay," said the blonde with a smile, squeezing the other's skull harder and harder. "Maybe it will, just a little. Or a lot. I don't really care. You see, Ag, I'm afraid I haven't quite been straight with you. Er, let me rephrase that. I haven't been entirely honest with you. Oh, I do need you, or rather your appearance and your voice. And I do love you, though only for what you're about to give me. Certainly not because of our onetime so-called relationship that ended that night in the hospital."

Choke. Gasp. "Darren?"

"Ah, at last you begin to see. But not for long. As the Bard said, though in a different tragedy than that which we strutted upon the stage that night, 'Eyes, look your last! / Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you / The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss / A dateless bargain to engrossing death!' Yes, that's right--death. I won't make the same mistake I made with Needleneck. Once I've stolen your lovely face, your voluptuous body--"


"SILENCE! --and your weird blue hair, I will strangle the last breath from your blank grey husk. 'Put out the light, and then put out the light,' as the Bard said in yet another tragedy, one of a faithless whore."


"What part of 'SILENCE!' do you not understand? 'Darren, I've been using you,' you said on that blackest of nights. Yes, your own words come back to haunt you, like Banquo's ghost. Well, now I'm using you. Using you...forever! A-HA-HA-HAAA! Well, not 'forever.' Next, I shall exploit the homoerotic history between you and Lisa and gain not only her appearance but her powers. And then I, the Emulator, shall rule...the worrrrrld! A-HA-HA-HAAA...huh?" He felt a tap on his shoulder, and heard an impossibly familiar voice.

"Think again, Danforth."

He turned and saw Aggie behind him. "Hi there, tiger. Rowwrr...rarr."

"No. This cannot be. Then who--?" He turned back to face...Lisa, who promptly kicked him in the stomach, sending him sprawling across the floor. "How?!"

"Ah, how easily people forget the 'Trickster' part of 'Thunderbolt Trickster.' You think you're the only one who can mimic others' appearances? Ha! I eat others' appearances for breakfast. Well, not really. Ew."

"The point is," said Aggie, kicking the Emulator in the head as he attempted to struggle to his feet, "we got suspicious as soon as we noticed you going all trembly and shaky during lunch. We've been to horror movies, our girl posse, lots of times, and the real Penny doesn't freak out like that over gore, much less over what happens offscreen."

"It was then I noticed, with my super-sight," said Lisa, squatting down to chop him in the throat as he attempted to grab Aggie by the ankle, "that you were wearing a mere cheap knock-off of Penny's favourite lipstick. Penny's too proud to settle for generic."

"I was..." said the villain, coughing up phlegm, "short...of cash..."

"Poor Darren," said Lisa. "Once a big ol' sack of eh, always a big ol' sack of eh."

" may have...bested me physically. But I may...content myself with...the fact that both Needleneck and...your precious Penny...are naught but...grey statues...doomed to vegetate...on life support...until cruel Nature takes...her course."

"Wrong again," said Aggie. "You see, Lisa contacted her Amazonian sisters in combat (by the way, Lis, you haven't answered my question about that guest thing) and they sent their best mystical healers to restore both of them good as new."

"N...oooooo..." said the big ol' sack of eh, before slipping into unconsciousness.

The next day, a Saturday, Lisa, Penny and Aggie had lunch in the hospital cafeteria. "So," said Penny, "have the radiologists and chemists managed to depower him?"

"Completely," said Lisa with a smug smile. "The only thing he'll be stealing from now on is glances at the graffiti on the walls of his room in the psych ward."

"Poor unlucky, deluded Darren," said Aggie. "In spite of everything, I still can't help feeling sorry for him."

"Liberals," said Penny under her breath, though affectionately this time.

"Ag," said Lisa, "he tried to play on what he assumed were your feelings for--oh wait, that wasn't actually you. But still."

"Well, Lis," said Aggie, her face broadening into a grin, "as for that...let's just say Penny came over last night, and after talking about the day before at the Vanilla Shoppe, we decided we'd like to go on playing with our feelings. Together. (And maybe some binding games too.)" She took Penny's hand.

Lisa gaped. "No. Way."

"Way," said Penny, her face shining. "I'm not letting this one get away like Rich did."

"Oh, as if I'd want to," said Aggie. "You rich bitch."

"Kumbaya-singing hippie." They kissed.

"Urgh, you could cut through the schmaltz here with a jackhammer," said Lisa. She stuck out her tongue and mimed retching. "Even so. Way to go, guys, and 'bout time. If only Sara were here to see this. Nah, she'd be even more insufferable about it."

"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby Shadrach » Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:28 pm

*Thunderous applause and tossing of flowers, laurels and undergarments*
User avatar
Posts: 1027
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:33 am

Postby adamiani » Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:56 pm

ZELIG ("too obscure, highbrow and Jewish"),

User avatar
Posts: 1051
Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:33 am

Postby Damocles » Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:49 pm

Alice, I would like to financially back your art.

But all I have is six dollars.

Edit: damn, you're making me want to try to write one, but I'm working on something else, and I suck at comedy, anyway.
I'm now convinced that if you play Pat Benatar's "Crimes of Passion" over Penny and Aggie it'll totally synch up.
User avatar
Posts: 135
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:14 am
Location: here

Postby Alice Macher » Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:42 am

Damocles wrote:Alice, I would like to financially back your art.

But all I have is six dollars.

I'll have my people call your people. Just so you know, I don't do chapel ceiling murals. Oy, my back.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:47 pm

Issue #6

Greetings, true deceivers! This ish, we go on location to the land of glitter, hopes and dreams. And coke, lots and lots of coke...


It was a Saturday night, and Lisa was more than a little irritated over having to answer the phone. "Heyo."

"Lisa? It's Sara. I need your help."

"Sara? Double-You Tee Eff? It's 11:00 P.M. here, and I'm busy doin' undercover work."

"I'm...I'm sorry, Lis, but I think this is a job for the Thunderbolt Trickster. Listen, I gotta make this quick. I'm calling from a pay phone at Joe's Catering in South Central, so they can't record me."

"You better make it quick. And who's 'they?'"

"My director and producer, that's who," said Sara. "I've figured out they're...not what they seem. They're up to something."

"It's a reality show, Braniac. Of course they're not what they seem and are up to somethin'. I mean, we've all seen, whatsernames, Lucy and Hilary practically skooshin' their bazongas in your face. FOX can't take the clips down fast enough offa YouTube."

"Ohmigod, did Daphne--? --Wait, that's not important right now; I'll smooth things over later. Right now I need your help outsmarting them."

"Lisa?" called a voice from the next room. "Come back in; I got the paddle an' everything."

"In a minute, Di," said Lisa, who swore as she realized she'd forgotten to cover the mouthpiece. She took a deep breath. "Look, Sara, I'm real busy doin' someo--something, and reality show intrigue isn't at all why I got into the super-powered individual business. It ain't a criminal matter. You're a smart girl; I'm sure you can handle this all on your--"

"But Lisa, I overheard Meighan and Hilary plotting to kidnap and hold for ransom none other than Robert Downey Jun--" She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around. "AIEEE!"

There stood Lisa behind her, in costume, arms akimbo, eyes flashing red. "Let's move."

But it was too late. (Or was it?) In an abandoned warehouse three blocks east of Joe's, RDJ came to and found himself hooded and bound, arm and leg. "Wha--? Hey! Where am I? Why am I--?" He twitched and struggled. "Anyone here? Are you from the LAPD? I swear, I've been clean since 2003, no need to...Hello? Damn. Hmm, maybe if I can activate the electromagnet in my chest, I can...wait, my character has one, not me. Too bad there aren't really such things as superheroes."

"Thanks so much for coming, Lis," said Sara as they headed toward the front door. "I was thinking, though, maybe we should get some extra muscle. Y'know, for backup."

"Hm, kidnappers, probably both with guns...yeah, good idea. Should we ask around Gold's Gym?"

"Actually," said Sara with a smile, "I know just the guy. And there he is. Hey, Ri--I mean Slash!"

Slash? thought Lisa.

The muscular, goateed deliverer froze in his tracks. "Oh $#!%, not again." He took off for the back exit, only to find Lisa suddenly blocking his path. "How'd you--? Look, why don't you both just leave me alone? I just wanna leave my whole Belleville past behind. Too many...regrets. Okay, Sara and...Weirdo Girl who hangs with Hippie Girl?"

"Flattery will get you nowhere. Name's Thunderbolt Trickster, but you can call me Lisa. Everyone else does."

"Look, Rich," said Sara. "We're not stalking you, honest. Well, I was, kinda, before, but not, y'know, stalking stalking; I just wanted to say hi and see if you needed help. Anyway, look, now we could really use your help."

"Forget it, Velte. Now both of you, kindly get outta my way and outta my li--"

"Rich," said Sara, "someone's trying to kidnap Robert Downey Jun--"

"Well, why didn't you say so?" said Rich. "Hell, it's the end of my shift anyway. So c'mon, we better hustle." He gritted his teeth and ripped off his shirt.

"Oh, thank you, Rich," said Sara. "I knew you were a good person all along. C'mon Lis, let's go."

"In--In a minute," said Lisa, gaping. "Say, Rich, you look kinda wound up. Maybe you could use a massage? Maybe, if you play your cards right you can even, as TV Tropes says, Earn Your 'Happy Ending.'"

"Lisa!" said Sara.

"What?" said Rich. "That's totally not what that trope means--er, not that I ever visited that dorky site. Or even heard of it. Heh heh. What's a trope?"

--To be continued--
Last edited by Alice Macher on Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:58 pm

Inside the warehouse, Downey heard a door open and footsteps coming towards him, then felt his hoodwink being lifted off. He saw two buxom women, standing over him, one red-haired and in her late twenties, and the other brown-haired, in her late teens, wearing reading glasses. Both were carrying handguns.

"Hey there, ladies," he said. "I know I'm a sex symbol and all, and I'm flattered you wanted to meet me, really, but I am a married man." He thought for a moment and grinned. "Even so, if you'll just let me go unharmed, I can definitely make it worth your while."

"Forget it, Downey," said Meighan. "I'm gay."

"And I don't like older guys with beards," said Hilary.

"Wha--?" said Meighan. "I thought you were gay when I 'cast' you."

"Yeah, you wish. Some gaydar you have there for a lesbian, who works in Hollywood, even."

"Uh, hate to interrupt," said Downey, "but could you at least tell me why I'm here?"

"Right, right," said Meighan. "We're holding you for ransom." She pulled out her cellphone and dialed. "Here, say hi to your wife."

At that moment, Lisa came crashing through the ceiling, wearing a backpack, Sara nervously clinging to her shoulders. "Say hi to justice," said Lisa. Rich, meanwhile, skateboarded down the wreckage and stood beside his new teammates.

"What the--?" said Meighan. "Sara, believe me, this isn't what it looks like."

"Bull," said Sara. "You used me, Meig. Me, Lucy, Martin and J'Cru (even if the latter is a jerkass). You created this whole stupid reality show, flung boobs at me six ways from Sunday to tempt me away from the girl I love, and for what? So you and Hil could stage a kidnapping?!"

"It was the perfect cover," said Meighan, shrugging. "No one would suspect Meighan McDowell, Hollywood's latest success story, associate producer of two successful, wholesome Disney Channel series under her belt. Too bad they completely stiffed me on the whole compensation thing. I knew if I was ever gonna live in the L.A. luxury I deserved, I'd need an...extraneous source of income. One that would allow me to buy respect and get the prime production jobs, not just derivative tween-oriented musicals and reality shows about zit-faced teens staging boring existentialist dramas."

"And what about you?" said Lisa to Hilary.

"Me? I get a tidy mook's salary, plus a guaranteed stint as director for Meighan's real breakthrough projects. No more directing lame, phone-it-in high school productions of Our Town and Romeo and Juliet for me."

"Tsk," said Lisa. "So much effort, so much scheming, all for nothing."

"That's what you think," said Meighan, drawing her gun and firing at Lisa, who dodged the bullets with her super-speed and acrobatics, while drawing closer to her assailant.

"Whoa," said Downey, watching her. "Am I having a coke flashback? --No, wait, that's just with acid. It's just, I'd thought there weren't any real superheroes, just folks like me who play 'em."

"Please," said Lisa, continuing to flip and spin. "I'm a 'super-powered individual.' You want DC and Marvel to sue me? And hey, Rich, it sure'd be nice if you could see to Hilary there while I'm busy with Meig."

"But," said Rich, "you didn't tell me the kidnappers were chicks. I can't hit a lady. 'Specially not one with glasses."

"Oh, for God's sake," said Sara. "She's no lady. She's just a bully. And a scaredy-cat bully at that, aren't you, Hil?"

"How. Dare. You," said Hilary, drawing her gun and advancing toward her. "You uppity little grub, I'll--" Rich came up behind her and grabbed her in a half-nelson. "I'll take that," he said, helping himself to her gun. "Now: face down on the floor, hands where I can see 'em."

"Good work, guys," said Lisa, disarming Meighan with a kick to the jaw and crushing the gun to dust. "Just like we rehearsed. Rich, get Carrot-Top here (actually, looks like a dye job to me) to lie down next to the Kathryn Bigalow wannabe there. That's it. Another successful catch for the Thun--"

"Drop those guns!" said a voice behind them. Seeing that the voice belonged to an Uzi-wielding redhead in a little black dress, Lisa and Rich did so. "Now, hands up. You too, blouse-lifter," she said to Sara.

"Blouse-lifter?" said Sara, obeying. "That's...actually kinda clever, Lucy. That must mean you're actually--"

"Affirmative," said Lucy. "1600 total SAT score, 180 I.Q., voted Most Likely to Pull Off a Xanatos Gambit in senior year, Narbonic Memorial Academy, Scranton, PA. Yes, I played you well, Meighan, Hilary, and Sara. Such pretty marionettes! And now it is I who shall abscond with the RDJ ransom, and use it to find the Elixir of Philosopher's Stone. And then--"

"And then, you'd better drop that Uzi," said a voice behind her.

"Martin," said Lucy, complying when she saw he had an anti-aircraft gun trained on her. "I should've known. How very...Christian of you."

"Christian, hell. Hitchens, Harris and Dawkins combined are more Christian than I. Nay, I recognize but one Higher Power...myself. And with the RDJ ransom-funded acquisition of the Elixir of Philosopher's Stone, I shall finally uncover the Di-Vision by Zero Code, which will certes make me a god. And then--"

A tank crashed through the wall. "And then, you will please to drop that anti-aircraft gun," said a Russian-accented voice from inside the vehicle. A grinning teenage boy wearing a "Jronic" armoured jacket popped his head up.

"J'Cru!" said Martin, relinquishing his weapon.

"That's Igor Vladmir Kharshchevovitch to you. And now, once I obtain the Di-Vision by Zero Code, by means of the Elixir of Philosopher's Stone, acquired with funds from the RDJ ransom, I shall come then into possession of the Immortal Phoenix, the blood of which will make me more than a god, and then--"

A blast sounding like a coach's whistle sounded. "Guys!" said Lisa. "Um, none of you have pacemakers or anything? Cool, 'cause I totally didn't wanna kill anyone. Now listen, these financial and magical thingies you're all after sound great and everything." She zipped open her backpack. "But wouldn't you rather have...these?" She tossed the contents out for everyone to catch.

"Mostest® Fruit Pies!" said Igor.

"Wow! Cherry! Apple!" said Martin.

"With thick, jawbreaker crust!" said Lucy.

"And faux fruit filling!" said Meighan and Hilary.

"That's right, folks," said Lisa. "You can have as many of these trans-fatty treats as you like, if you all give yourselves up."

"It's a deal!" said all the villains in unison.

"Can I have some too?" asked Robert. "It'll take my mind off the fact that I'm totally jonesing here for the first time in seven years."

"Anything for a hottie like you," said Lisa.

"Thanks. Say, you mind untying me?"

"In a moment," said Lisa. "First, there's something I've always wanted to do." She straddled him and gave him an epic smooch. And then, after swooning and gibbering for two minutes, she untied him. "Don't worry, Robbie," she said. "We won't tell the wife."

"I am so glad that's all over," said Sara, "and that I can finally go home. How 'bout you, Rich?"

"I dunno. Guess it'd be cool to see Stan and Jack again, maybe even apologize to Pen. I'll think about it. But it's not gonna be right now. Thanks, though, Sara. Lis. For makin' me feel dignified--like a man--again. I'll be in touch." He hugged both of them and took off on his cycle.

"I think he's gonna be all right," said Sara, eyes moist, smiling. "Maybe Penny'll even take him back someday?"

"Mm...not gonna happen. I'd tell you why, but I promised her I'd let her tell you in person when you get back. Believe me, it'll be worth it." She winked. "So, what about you and this Hollywood thing? Think you'd like to make a career of it?"

"Nah. I've had enough. Penny can be America's Sweetheart if she wants. Me, all I need is my family, my girl, my friends...and Mostest® Fruit Pies!"

Start your day off right
with a big freakin' bite
of Mostest® Fruit Pies!

"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby Mr. Brightside » Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:15 pm

The Internet has killed the words "trope" and "meme."

Of course, I can only cry so much for a word Richard Dawkins made up thirty years ago to rhyme with "gene." But you'll pay for "trope."
Mr. Brightside
Posts: 2026
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:44 am

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:22 pm

Mr. Brightside wrote:The Internet has ruined the words "trope" and "meme."

Fun Alice fact: Until a couple of years ago, I thought "trope" just meant "cantillation," i.e. the system of musical notes I had to learn to chant from the Torah for my Bat Mitzvah. That it had other meanings was news to me. :idea:
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby adamiani » Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:42 pm

Mr. Brightside wrote:The Internet has killed the words "trope" and "meme."

Of course, I can only cry so much for a word Richard Dawkins made up thirty years ago to rhyme with "gene." But you'll pay for "trope."

This will help you get started: ... engeTropes
User avatar
Posts: 1051
Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:33 am

Postby Damocles » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:51 am

Mostest Fruit Pies....oh god I am still laughing...I can't stop
I'm now convinced that if you play Pat Benatar's "Crimes of Passion" over Penny and Aggie it'll totally synch up.
User avatar
Posts: 135
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 12:14 am
Location: here

Postby Alice Macher » Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:58 am

Issue #7



A Monday morning. KATY-ANN is walking to school.

KATY-ANN: From a distance, my voice can't be heard
Which may be just as well
From a distance, 's just like a polished turd
And not the choir from hell

From a distance, I'm being forced to sing
And I don't know by whom
But note by note, and bar by bar
If indoors I'd clear the room

Someone's controlling me
Someone's controlling me
Someone's messing with me
From a distance

LISA: Hey, Katy-Ann. Déja vu, huh?

KATY-ANN: Wh-what d'you mean?

LISA: Y'know, us crossing paths in front of the school while you sing an inspirational Bette Midler song. Only I think the lyrics were a bit different last time. And you seemed happier.

KATY-ANN: Yeah, I was happy that time because I felt like singing, not like the present moment. And I'd hardly call what came out of my mouth just now "inspirational."

LISA: Hold up. Are you saying you've been singing against your will?

KATY-ANN: Bingo. It's kinda freaking me out, too. I always enjoyed singing, but not being made by...something to warble lyrics that, to add insult to injury, make fun of my voice.

LISA: "Something?" You're not suggesting you're, I 'unno, possessed or whatever?

KATY-ANN: Haha, no. That'd be more of a Charlotte thing. But...something's not right. Hey, since you're a super-powered individual, could you...would you keep an eye out in case this happens to anyone else 'round here?

LISA: Sure pal, no prob. (The bell rings.) Seeya at lunch.


Later that morning. Eleventh-grade AP English

MRS. KOFFMAN: All right, class. Today's the day your oral reports on love poetry are due. Ms. D'Amour, would you kindly go first?

AGGIE: Yes ma'am. (Stands up and takes out her notes, then hesitates. Her mouth begins to twitch oddly.)

MRS. KOFFMAN: Is there a problem, Ms. D'Amour?

AGGIE: I'll do it. I--I--
I'll do anything
For English, anything
Yes, I'll do anything, anything, for class

MRS. KOFFMAN: That's good to know. Now give your report already, sans gimmickry.

AGGIE: Sorry. Let me start again, I-- (Turns awkwardly toward PENNY)

I'll do anything
For you, Pen, anything
For you mean everything, everything, to me

(A few students begin to titter and whisper to each other. PENNY turns red in the face.)

PENNY (in a hissing voice): Ag-gieee, I thought we agreed to keep our...thing on the down-low, apart from our closest fuh-fr-- (Stands up jerkily as her mouth, too, begins to contort. She takes AGGIE's hand)
I, uh...
I know that I'll go anywhere
To a peace march, anywhere
I'll chant slogans anywhere, anywhere, for you!

AGGIE: Would you give up eating meat?

PENNY: Anything!

AGGIE: Stop wearing leather on your feet?

PENNY: Anything!

AGGIE: Would you retweet Obama's tweets?

PENNY: What? Obama?!
Er...I'd tweet anything
For your kiss, anything
Yes, I'd sell out on anything, anything, for you!

Dance, everyone!

MRS. KOFFMAN: Now see here! I'll not have this poppycock and balderdash in my--WHAT THE...?

(The whole class gets up and does a perfectly-choreographed dance to an invisible orchestral accompaniment.)

KATY-ANN: It's spreading! Sweet Jesus, lend me strength! (Manages through sheer force of will to break from the formation and run out the door) LIIIIIISAAAAAAA! HELLLLLP!

CLASS: Oh, we'll do anything
For you, Mrs. K., anything
Yes, we'll do anything

MRS. KOFFMAN: Anything?

CLASS: Anything...for...youuuuuuu!

(They sit down.)

MRS. KOFFMAN: Well, then. I was going to go easy on the homework tonight, but seeing as you're all so keen about two thousand words on the imagery in Byron's "She Walks in Beauty?"

CLASS: We would do anything for you
We would do anything for you
We would do anything for you
But we won't do that, we won't do that!

MRS. KOFFMAN (shrugging): Eh. It was worth a try.
Last edited by Alice Macher on Sun Aug 22, 2010 11:47 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby sun tzu » Fri Aug 20, 2010 9:04 am

I now declare :lol:
User avatar
sun tzu
Posts: 2032
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2007 3:16 pm

Postby Alice Macher » Sat Aug 21, 2010 2:17 pm

Next day. The school library. FRED, seated at a table on the upper level, looks up wistfully from his textbook.

FRED: Today, I'm gonna have myself a gay old time
I'll find a guy-uy-uy-uy
So I won't be the Pet Homosexual, yeah
I'll get myself some character depth
So don't stop me now
Don't stop me
'Cause I'll be having a good time
Having a good time


STAN (walking across the lower level): I'm the Prez-Elect, big man of the school
I'll pad my college apps, but at what price?
I was a super-stud passing by, from woman to woman
And then I blew, blew, blew my first chance at love
I'm bluffing through my life, yeah
Puttin' up a glad front, that's why they call me Mister Smi-i-i-iles
I've gotten by on macho-man wiles
Then Cyndi made a super-big patsy out of me
But it--

FRED AND STAN: Won't stop me now
I'm gonna have a good time
I'll be having a ball

FRED (to STAN): If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

(STAN waves his hands and mouths "No, thank you," but FRED runs down to his side. Oh yeah--by now a bunch of students are dancing in the background, including the student library staff, and even the librarian.)

FRED: You're a rocket ship who's lost his way to Mars
On a collision course
What you need is a man
We all know how you felt 'bout Rich

STAN: Mind your own business, you bitch! (Oops)
I'm a lady-killer ready to reload

FRED: You're in denial, boy, about to oh oh oh oh oh explode!
What you really need is a man, yeah
Look no further--now here's something for the yaoi fans--
I'll grab you and squeeze you tight
I'll give you a charge, that's why they call me Mister Dynamite
I'm gonna make a super-gay gerBIL out of you!

(FRED grabs and kisses STAN, who struggles for like two seconds and then gets into it)

YAOI FANGIRL CHORUS: Don't stop now, don't stop now, don't stop now, hey hey hey
Don't stop now, don't stop now, ooh ooh ooh

STAN: I like it!

YAOI FANGIRL CHORUS (filming them with their smartphones): Don't stop now don't stop now
Have a good time, good time
Don't stop now don't stop now

(Guitar solo by...oh, let's say OMAR)

LISA (in costume, popping her head in) Wha--? Katy-Ann's right; this is really getting outta hand. Even so, when in Rome... (takes out her smartphone and films them, then runs out)

FRED AND STAN (still embracing, rising up and out of sight): Ohhhhhhh
Rising up to the sky, yeah
I'll give you a charge, that's why they call me Mister Dynamite
We're smoochin' at the speed of light
I wanna make a super-gay ger-BIL out of you

ALL: Don't stop us now
'Cause we're having a gay time
Don't stop us now
Yes we're having a gay time
We don't wanna stop at allllllllll!


--Intermission. Entr'acte.--
Last edited by Alice Macher on Thu Sep 02, 2010 7:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto

Postby Alice Macher » Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:05 pm


The school cafeteria. Lunchtime. Students file into line grimly, as if for a funeral procession, noses crinkled and tongues stuck out in disgust. THARQA, having gotten her lunch, displays her tray to us.

THARQA: Attend th' tale o' lunchroom cod
Its flesh so green, its odour so odd
It turned th' stomachs o' ladies an' men
At Belleville High, who weren't seen again
You'll only live if y' eat it unthawed
That lunchroom cod
Th' steamin' demon o' Belle! Ville!

BOB AND ELMER: Came from a lake o' toxic waste
It may not be quite t' yer taste
So what if it flunked every test?
Won't matter when yer laid to rest
By eatin'
By eatin' cod
Th' steamin' demon o' Belle! Ville!

STUDENT CHORUS: Drink your ipecac down!

MICHELLE: Hey! Not funny.

STUDENT CHORUS: Sorry, Shell; that's still too soon
--But quickly slows the breath of the cod-chewin'!

Its nutrients none, its taste so foul
One bite of it'll make you howl
Our protests leave the school board unmoved
This surely ain't USDA-approved,
The bribed inspectors give a wink and a nod
To lunchroom cod
The steamin' demon of Belle! Ville!


Meanwhile, LISA and her two sidekicks are relaxing on the lawn in front of the school, PENNY with a cloth under her bum so as not to stain her skirt.

LISA: So as you can see from this smartphone footage, this whole dealie has spread throughout the school, causing people to sing out their most secret desires and fears in public. (To AGGIE) Which presumably explains why your head is resting in Pen's lap--face up, fortunately--where everyone can see it. Well, that is, if nearly everyone weren't in the cafeteria right now, singing.

AGGIE: Yes well, after English yesterday there didn't seem any point in pretending to hide our love. Right, divalicious?

PENNY: That's right, soymilk. (Kisses her.)

LISA: Eugh, lovely. Anyway. I figured out the reason I seem to be immune to the mind control is the copper lightning bolts on my hat. So I've been making copper-foil hats for as many students and faculty as I can until we find out who or what's behind this, and as my trusty, if nauseating, sidekicks you get the first two. Here, put 'em on. (They do so.) Who knew that all those conspiracy nuts were actually on to something, only getting the metal wrong?

PENNY: Who indeed? I'll spread the word among our friends and make sure as many people as possible get one of these fashion faux-pas foil things. And it'll be none too soon, from the sound of it...

Back in the lunchroom

THARQA: Attend th' tale o' lunchroom cod!

CHORUS: Attend the tale of lunchroom cod!

THARQA: An off'rin' t' th' underworld god!

CHORUS: An off'ring to the underworld god!

BOB AND ELMER: So when onna stretcher they carry ya 'way
Know there'll be more victims th' next "special" day

CHORUS: For eating
For eating cod
The steamin' demon of Bel--

THARQA: FOOD FIIIIIIGHT! (Throws the contents of her tray at BOB and ELMER, who join in, along with everyone else.)


After school, in the now much-quieter library, the three do-gooders meet up again.

LISA: So, what've you got for me?

AGGIE: Well, Penny and I have been conducting research with the EEG devices we requisitioned from the science lab, and we've discovered that subjects' right brain hemispheres, when overcome by the impulse to sing and/or dance, emit low-amplitude beta waves associated with active and busy thinking and motor behaviour.

PENNY: And it seems those beta-wave signals get stronger and stronger as a subject moves from the third floor to the basement. But we didn't find anything weird in the basement, apart from O'Dell sniffing glue in the boiler room. (Good thing he didn't see us.) So we've hit a dead end of sorts. Sorry.

LISA: Don't be. Ya did good, kids. All this means is that the source of these beta-wave disruptions must be somewhere below the basement. Now, I'ma let you in on a little secret: there are tunnels underneath the school, if you know where to look. So it's time for us to go explorin', with a little help from my electromagnetic field detector. Follow me.

(PENNY and AGGIE follow LISA downstairs, to a basement utility closet. She picks the lock and they enter. LISA opens a latch on the floor, revealing a dark flight of stairs. She does the hand-rubbing-together trick from Ish #3 to generate light, and they walk slowly down the stairs, then through a system of descending tunnels.)

PENNY AND AGGIE: Li-sa! How much longer is it?

LISA: Shh! I haveta concentrate on these electromagnetism readings. Don't make me come back there and separate you two. (The detector suddenly starts vibrating heavily and noisily.) Aha!


LISA: This way. (They follow her into a tunnel through which, as they advance, organ music can be heard: about thirty seconds of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, followed by the opening and main riffs of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.")

CREEPY BARITONE AT OTHER END: In a tunnel 'neath Belleville, baby
Don'tcha know that I'll make you
Sing and dance like a diva, baby
You won't even need Autotu-une

GIRLS (shuddering): Oh-h-h-h-h-h...
"Life doesn't wait forever." --Lisa Winklemeyer
User avatar
Alice Macher
Posts: 4718
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:57 pm
Location: Toronto


Return to General Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests